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After years of tryng R, WH and I decided to separate in early 2023. It isn't that we hate each other. I've even come to like him again. It's just that I couldn't trust and, frankly, could not get past his decade-long affair, the way he treated me (VERY emotionally and verbally abusive), nor the history of him and his flirting, etc. And while he did do a lot of work, I just couldn't feel the same. He says he understood. He said he noticed the distance between us and also thought it was for the best.

It's been scary, and it's been good since then. We've remained friendly. I've been enjoying myself and getting 'reacquainted' with the old me I thought was long gone. I've spent time with friends. A lot of self care. Visited family. Spent glorious amounts of time alone and with my dogs. All good stuff. And though I've been asked out, I just... didn't feel interested in dating. Zero. Not even casually. I felt somewhat peaceful with that. In all due time, I told myself.

Fast forward to September of last year when I went to lunch with a male friend I've known and been great friends with for 28 years. The lunch is something we've done since his divorce 2 years ago. They are infrequent - maybe every 2-3 months. We meet. We dine. We talk mostly about finances, mutual friends, life. Then we paid our checks and waved goodbye until next time. Sometimes, we've been with other mutual friends we have known for a long time.

So last September, the conversation changed. He admitted that he's always been attracted to me and that he's developed feelings for me.

Anyway, I just stared. I was speechless. I guess it caught me off guard. He told me to think about it, but he'd definitely like to take me out sometime. Awkward, since WH and him often run into each other in the whole mutual friends thing, too.

I gave it some thought for a couple of weeks and said I'd be willing to sort of see if we even COULD move out of the friend zone. We have a lot in common, and we're familiar with each other after all.

It started out super slow, which was good because I felt weird about it. What if it didn't work? He's my friend. That's far more valuable. We decided not to tell mutual friends just yet because we weren't sure things would work out.

One date after another, we slid into a somewhat comfortable relationship of sorts. It's not heavy - sometimes, our schedules are such we don't see each other every week. Yet, he's all in. I mean ALL in. He talked about our many years we'll have together, growing old, etc. Meanwhile, I'm all... I'm enjoying this, but I'm also skittish. It's too much a little too fast, I think. I tell him. He says to take my time. Whew.

Fast-forward to this weekend. He's in Florida with some mutual friends at Disney. They've planned the trip for a year - reservations, the works. I didn't go because I'm beyond slammed with work and absolutely can't take the time off. The friends - they are a couple - invited a single female friend of theirs along, thinking they'd quietly set him up with her.

I say quietly because he has resisted anyone setting him up because he hates blind dates. These friends don't know about us yet.

The problem? I'm triggered. WH and his AP were running around when he was on business trips. When I found out he was out with a single woman for dinner, he said, "We are just friends and coworkers!"

And now, this guy is avoiding the topic of me being triggered. I have brought the subject up twice. He diverts the topic. I struggle with intimacy and being vulnerable, but I went on a limb and opened up to him how I felt about this - how and why I am triggered, though he knows the history.

His response? He texted "You know where my heart is. I'm not looking...unless you tell me otherwise, in which case I'll have to find someone new." Then he sends a picture of him smiling on the gondola along with, "It's a sunny day here."

WTF? Or am I being too sensitive? I guess I was at least looking for a little empathy. Something along the lines of how he knows this is triggering, but he'll tell our friends or... something?

Thoughts? Maybe I'm still not ready? Maybe I'm being unreasonable? Maybe we really need to stay in the friend zone after all?

[This message edited by OptionedOut at 6:59 PM, Thursday, January 25th]

I have boat loads of trauma courtesy of ex WH and his "traveling" habits. So I can relate. My so travels for work more now than previously. So we talk and negotiate things, which he does very well although I know it takes effort.

Sending you positive thoughts. I hope that this can be resolved for you in a positive way.

I guess I was at least looking for a little empathy. Something along the lines of how he knows this is triggering, but he'll tell our friends or... something?

Be honest with him when he comes back. He might be walking the line of discussion because he is taking your lead on the subject.

Also, I had to remind myself (A LOT) not to hold the new people I was dating responsible for my ex's cheating. Try to judge this guy by HIS actions (vs your triggers).

Meaning, you were friends with him a LONG time before you decided to try and date. You know he respects boundaries. You have seen it with you. SOMEONE he really liked.

I feel bad for all the parties involved. His friends were trying to do something nice because they had no clue he was dating you. BUT he has told them repeatedly he was not interested in a blind date (let alone a blind vacation). That poor girl came because she thought she was meeting a nice guy (which she was) and someone she might be able to date. What an ordeal.

Maybe I'm still not ready? Maybe I'm being unreasonable? Maybe we really need to stay in the friend zone after all?

I am not picking up any of those things from your post. You sound ready but need to be honest with him and yourself. This healing path has bumps and you just hit one. THAT is not a red flag....but how you handle it.

Ultimately, it is your decision. If you feel you are truly not ready, that is ok too.

Shehawk - thank you. Excellent advice. In the past, we've always been able to discuss a ton of things. We are very evenly matched when it comes to curiosity and knowledge and have had decades of intellectual conversations. Discussing intimate things is a whole different ballpark for us. I admit, it's a little awkward.

Evenkeel - Yes. I also feel bad for this poor girl. He called this morning and we talked at length.

Update: We talked this morning. He apologized and said he just flew right past the trigger. He admits he wasn't even thinking or reading my texts telling him that I was triggered. He was just caught up in Disney and friends. I explained all the things that triggered me, and he said he got it. We agreed to discuss our triggers because he has them, too.

The beauty is that we were friends as couples for decades before this, so we know the other's ex. His marriage ended when he discovered his wife had committed some serious financial infidelity to the tune of almost losing everything. She blamed him and refused therapy. Shortly afterward, she embarked on a sexual affair with a girlfriend, blatantly spending the night and texting him photos of them topless together.

He says that it now makes sense to him that our mutual friends changed the topic when he talked about my dogs and how much they have always gone crazy when they see him. He agrees it was probably a setup. Today, he says the temperature in the room has changed, and the other woman's focus seems to be less on him. He also said he never said a word about us dating because he was waiting for me to give him permission to tell them.

I told him it wasn't fair that he had to live with the damage someone else caused, and I asked for patience but understood if it was too much. He said he gets it and hopes that, over time, I will have fewer triggers. He told me that it would take a herculean effort for anyone to displace what we have in comfort, attraction, compatibility, and familiarity. That if I decided to go back to being friends, he would probably go back to harboring feelings about me for the rest of his life. (I'm not crying; you are).

So he'll come back, and we'll talk some more about how to navigate this. Then I think it's time we tell our friends we're taking this thing out for a good test drive — aka, I admit that I'm actually in a relationship with one of my best friends and that we are compatible on so many levels that it scares me a bit. Please don't let me muck this up!

Meanwhile, he's talking about me a little more today while we decide if he should just tell them during the trip, or just let it be since it seems the other woman has already picked up the vibe that he seems too chummy with someone he has a loooong history with.

Damn. I thought that five years after D day I'd be normal again.

[This message edited by OptionedOut at 10:18 PM, Friday, January 26th]

On what planet is a blind vacation set up ever a good idea? Cringe for both him and that poor woman.

Then this:
"You know where my heart is. I'm not looking...unless you tell me otherwise, in which case I'll have to find someone new."

I love that response. I love when men are clear about their feelings, intentions, and what they are doing.

This could be the real deal for you. Keep taking it one day at a time. Let things unfold as they will. You’ve been friends for decades, I don’t think he’s going to jerk your heart around. Take a deep breath and enjoy yourself.

"You know where my heart is. I'm not looking...unless you tell me otherwise, in which case I'll have to find someone new."

This would tell me what I need to know about the situation....he is verbally expressing his desire for a relationship with you, and is waiting for you to tell him yes or no...give him a chance to move out of the friend zone. Taking things slow is best and things will (and sounds like they are) unfold naturally. But you should never feel 'forced' into anything when it comes to a relationship...good luck and keep us posted!