Hi Antbee, Your pain and grief is palpable. I'm so sorry for the trauma you've experienced. I'm glad you're starting to feel more yourself. I'm happy you are motivated to get yourself out of limbo. You deserve to not be stuck in this place for longer than absolutely necessary. Please know that the following post is not meant to be accusatory or diminishing. It's 100% about wanting to get to you a place of "unstuck-ness".
I cannot support myself financially. I'm living on alimony & child support which is enough to pay my bills right now, but it won't last forever and for example I need a new car but I can't get one because I can't afford it. I don't have a degree or any way to make enough money to support myself.
One of the things that really helps with healing is the strength that comes from knowing that you will be okay on your own, regardless of what happens. People who know that they will be okay on their own are able to make decisions from a place of strength rather than fear/feeling like you don't have other options. I understand that finances are a legitimate consideration in making your decisions, but I disagree that you have been left you without choices here. I went through some of your old posts and in one you mentioned your approximate age in a comment to someone else. You are WAY too young to come to the conclusion that you cannot support yourself (and never could). You mention your kids are now teenagers - I presume you have been out of the workforce for at least as many years. I do not discount that making things more difficult but it is in no way a bar to employment.
I have no idea where you live, but there are plenty of in-demand careers that don't require degrees. Insurance claims examiners, medical office assistants, bus drivers, ECEs, opticians, phlebotomists, care aides, medical techs, medical records technicians, pharmacy techs, massage therapists. Yes, some of those jobs require special certifications - some are just on-the-job training, but many are not super onerous to obtain (no more than 1 or maybe 2 years at most). If your kids are already teenagers, presumably you are reaching a point in your life where maybe finding a job would have been a consideration in any event.
I urge you to start taking steps in this direction. Do it now while you still are being supported financially by your spouse. Regardless of what you ultimately choose in terms of your relationship with your WS, it will put you in a position where you will be okay. If you choose to R, you will do so from a position of strength. If you choose to D, you will do so from a position of strength. You will make your kids proud.
I get that this may not have been part of your original plan. If this wasn't the way you pictured your life going, that sucks - truly, I'm not being dismissive when I say that. There is no fairness in what has happened to you. BUT... everyone at some point faces some amount of trauma, adversity or stress and life rarely goes as we plan. When that happens, the real test is how we choose to respond to those stresses. Some people do not (or cannot) cope, they take their proverbial ball and go home, so to speak. Those with resiliency, might lick their wounds for a bit before adapting to their new set of circumstances, however challenging they might be. They do their best to make lemonade out of the lemons they never chose. You are capable of hard things. You are. And you deserve great things. You do.
It makes sense that your resiliency has taken a hit. Mine certainly did and my circumstances were nowhere close to what you experienced. But resiliency can be built.
I want to have it all, financial security AND love, and I know I could have with someone else, but that's not what I have and I can't change it.
Disagree with that last part. You can change it. There is absolutely no way to undo what has been done. No amount of wishing will transform the cards you have been dealt, into the cards you had hoped for. If you are able to shift your thinking on what you CAN do, rather than what you CANNOT, when you start to view change as a challenge to overcome rather than a threat, that is going to be when you are able to start to feel unstuck.
[This message edited by emergent8 at 8:48 PM, Friday, January 19th]