SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all!! I am dating a wonderful man and have stumbled on something that has given me pause. Not so much that I think he has done anything wrong, but that it isn’t something I have any experience with so I thought maybe y’all could give me some different viewpoints.
I have been divorced for 5 years now from an ex who had multiple affairs. I have multiple children and the ex and I barely speak to one another. For instance, I have not spoken to him on the phone since we separated. We text only when necessary and about the kids. I don’t hate him, I just have no place for him in my life.
My boyfriend has been divorced approximately the same amount of time from someone who cheated on him. They have one child together. They talk often. He says it’s not every day, but it sure seems like his phone is going off from her a lot. And she calls him as well. He tells me that she will tell him about fights with her current boyfriend, and call him and tell him other personal things. He said that he doesn’t really respond to those things and just lets her talk.
I find this utterly bizarre. That being said, I understand that everyone’s relationship in regards to their ex is totally different and multifaceted.
How does all of y’all’s relationship with the ex go? Is it more like mine where there is none at all or is it more like friends? I’m just interested in what different situations look like and how everyone deals with it.

My 34yo DD has had that type of relationship with her XH sporadically. They share a 10yo and D’ed when he was a baby. Off and on, XH would talk about being sorry for messing up and check her interest in giving it another go, usually in between his relationships.

OTOH, I know combined families who spend the holidays together and even go on double dates.

Hard to know which type is more like your BF’s.

I was married for 32 years to my XW. We were best friends. Even as the entire saga of the end of the marriage played out, we talked a lot about what was happening in a friend sort of way. I mean we had shared everything for all of those years and weren't sure that just ending would be how we could do it. After the separation and divorce got underway, we only talked or texted about our kids (2 grown and 1 in high school at the time).

About a year after the divorce was final, she texted me and asked if we could still be friends. I honestly told her that I thought we could be friendly, but would never be friends again. She accepted that.

This winter has been a bit complicated on that front. She thought it would be good if we all, separately, went to our oldest son's for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Just at that same time, our 2nd son called me and I asked if would come to Europe for his 30th birthday. I told him that of course I would. I shared that information with XW and she was very happy. She sent me a few texts while I was in Europe and I sent her a few pictures of the goings on.

My girlfriend joined us about halfway through the trip. XW seemed to know when she was arriving and sent me a text asking me to tell her hello for her. I showed my girlfriend the texts and pictures I sent to XW and she was genuinely happy about that especially when compared to the relationship my girlfriend has with her XH. Definitely not friendly.

So that's where I am. My XW and I have 3 amazing sons together. I expect we'll always be connected that way, even if they are all adults.

I dated one guy who remained in frequent contact with his ex. We had lengthy discussions about this early in our relationship and he assured me it was nothing more. While I found it bizarre, I decided to watch actions, etc. I know folks who do have healthy relationship with their ex's so I knew it was possible. Heck, many of them becomes friends with the ex over time as well.

This guy also made it clear to me that he understood my past (cheating ex) and would make any changes I needed to feel safe.

Over time, I did get comfortable with their friendship and was not threatened by it.

He unexpectedly passed away and she was the one who did all the arrangements, cleaned out his house, etc.

You have to do what you are comfortable with. I kept reminding myself (during those early dating times) to not hold the new guy hostage for my ex's cheating ways. I reminded myself to judge the new guy ON the new guy's actions/words. It took time (and lots of reminders) but it was worth it.

I am not sure if we are allowed to talk about specific other infidelity resources on here by name, so generally speaking I read a book that talked about keeping walls around one’s primary relationship and not letting others encroach.

I think it’s up to the people in the relationship to decide what those walls are.

As an example, I never plan to be in the same county as EX WH much less the same room. For good reason.

Other people define their walls differently.

I would want my partner to share their relationship concerns primarily with me with exceptions for trusted marriage allies like a therapist, clergy etc.

Other people have different boundaries and expectations. I do not have young children to consider.

[This message edited by MySolstice at 6:33 PM, Monday, December 25th]

He tells me that she will tell him about fights with her current boyfriend, and call him and tell him other personal things. He said that he doesn’t really respond to those things and just lets her talk.

Since he's coparenting, this seems rational to me especially since there is a bf in the picture around his child. Personally, I wanted to know about all the adults around my children. How she is parenting, bfs and other adults and relationships, her own mental state, all of that is relevant to a father. Listening to an ex is the price you pay if you want that information. HER motives are another thing entirely.

Basically, I think it's good that he's getting information about the environment his child is in. I feel bad he has to listen to her. But I also am less naive about cheaters. I'm highly suspicious of her. IMO, it's worthy of your attention and your bf's continued transparency. Cheaters have earned our suspicion. I don't trust she's simply trying to have a good coparent relationship.

As long as your bf remains transparent and is willing to take her calls around you, he doesn't make me suspicious. Again though, her motives are likely not the same.

I recently finished up a 16 month stay with my XWH.
First, it was a couple months back in the house with him. And, then some months at the end of it, back in the house.
In between those stays, we spent 10 months living together in an extended stay hotel (in a different state)
XWH needed a double lung transplant.
He had to have a caregiver that could/would stay with him for the whole process. Not just the surgery. There was the pre surgery work up. The surgery. The post surgery rehab. All at the out of state hospital.
He had nobody who could/would do it for him. Not even his girlfriend. (nice girlfriend you got there. )
So, I took a leave of absence from my job. Turned in the keys to my apartment. And took on the role.  
We actually did okay. We got along fine. Even managed a few laughs.
It helped that for decades while we were M, we were dealing with his health situation. Always knowing that if he lived long enough, he would be having this surgery. I was very able to step back in and do it.
We sort of became friends again through all of this. He thinks we are better friends than I feel we are.
He and the girlfriend managed to stay together. Although, she had issues, and every once in awhile, would say things to him during their phone calls. He pretty much told her I saved his life, so she better be grateful. I get why she was uneasy about us being together like we were. But, then she should have stepped up.
My caretaker role is over. Unless he has an emergency, and we have to go back. I am back in my own apartment again.
My name and phone # are forever on his body though....on his medical alert bracelet, as his emergency contact. I giggle when I think about her seeing that. She was not the AP, so it is a gentle giggle. I hold no ill will towards her. She's just a bit odd.
I guess my point here is that, despite all the anger, and sadness, and more anger I had 8 years ago, we were able find some peace, and work for this common goal. We now stay in contact about his health.
I realized I could do this, because it was about life and death. Not about our M and D.

How would you feel if you found out that your boyfriend called up his ex-wife for advice and to complain about you after you got into a fight?

Would you feel hurt and/or violated?

If so, then the answer is that his behavior— and perhaps his relationship as a whole with his ex-wife— is very inappropriate.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:19 PM, Friday, December 22nd]

I've been completely NC for years. The first few years we still had to have some contact. I fell off the wagon a few times the first year and didn't ignore him like I should have because he still pushed my buttons. The less and less I cared about him, the easier it was to stay NC.

I have to agree with some of the posters that raise concerns about his ex talking to him about her current relationship problems. Especially given that she has had a history of cheating.

I feel it’s also very disrespectful to her relationship for her to do that.

I think that boundaries and detachment are important. I could have stayed buddy buddy with my XWS…I didn’t though because I knew it was necessary to draw that line especially with someone that did the things that she did to me. I wouldn’t keep that kind of person as a friend either given that I know the level of selfishness and emotional disconnection she has and I understand the toxicity that her ways of being represent for my wellbeing. I choose to keep friendships with people that treat me well. To have kept my XWS in that position would have been injuring to my own self. Not worth it.

I do wonder why he keeps the engaging. I understand being civil and even friendly at times but to this extent, to me, feels unnecessary. Boundaries and detachment are important especially toward someone that’s shown you who they are and what they’re capable of.

I talk to my XWS only about the kids and only about specific things relating to them. She talks to them on her own about whatever else, they have cell phones and so that’s their deal.

My current partner talks to his ex (who also cheated in their marriage) a bit more regularly than I do mine but it’s all kid related since they share a child as well and their child is much younger than my kids are.

My current partner did have to learn boundaries with his ex. She would often emotionally abuse and insult him when they would speak, and try to know things about his whereabouts and life that simply were no longer her business. He gave her a warning to stop and be civil or he’d resort to blocking and only using a parenting app to communicate. Eventually that’s what he had to implement for his own mental wellbeing and things have been great since.

His ex has been friendly and happy at certain events we’ve had with the kids and such now. All is good, however, the boundaries are still in place and have benefited their coparenting relationship positively.

I do think that detachment and boundaries with exes are important for our own sake and for the sake of our next relationships. So while friendliness is wonderful to have, along with necessary communication and civil behavior toward each other, the boundaries draw lines where they need to be for the rest of the dynamics in all relationships to have space to flourish properly.

*edited to add*

Actually my XWS used to chat with me about issues between her and her partner. I used to listen and engage and be there in that way. On my end, I had to learn to put boundaries in place and had to work on self in not being there for XWS in that way anymore too. It was such a habit for me to be that person for XWS. I had to learn to break it for myself and for my future relationships.

[This message edited by maise at 1:03 PM, Thursday, January 4th]