Lots of good advice here and you have started to do the right things. I will try not to repeat what you have been told.
I believe in honesty and simplicity when communicating your position on what is going on and the destructive choices your wife is making.
So if you haven’t already, I’d simply state, "it is clear you care for someone else and not me and you are in love with someone else and not me. It is also clear you are still involved and communicating with them. I won’t keep you from them and the happiness apparently you get from them, but I also won’t stay in a relationship with someone who has broken her vows and is protecting someone more than her own husband.
So I will work to legally end the marriage your choices have already destroyed.
I wish you well and unless it’s about the kids or finances I am no longer interested in discussing it".
Then see a few lawyers and pick one next week.
Whether or not you are destined for Divorce or Reconciliation, these are the first and next steps you should be taking.
With what she has done, there is no just saying "sorry" and returning to the marriage as it was. Honestly from this point forward, divorce is the easiest of the two paths for her. Reconciliation is impossibly difficult and rare.
The possibility of rebuilding something new, as the old is definitely dead, would take a complete turn around from her and then not just months, but years of sustained effort, concentration and dedication from her. Most Waywards don’t have it in them to do that.
MC is not what is needed now. She would need at least a year of individual therapy with an infidelity specialist to even begin a discussion about the possibility of starting something new.
So, even if someday you want to try again, in my opinion it’s best to start the D proceedings as soon as possible as they take a while. Then get yourself in with a trauma therapist as the healing process for you is as long or longer than what I described above to fix herself.
Concentrate on you and your kids. Find a path that makes a home for them without her, as hers is going to be unstable for a long time.
And if, and that’s a very unlikely if, someday down the road she realizes what she’s done and wants to take the excruciatingly long road to recovery and re-earning trust and remorse and rebuilding, then you can entertain that discussion when it presents itself.
My hope is at that point you have built a new life with someone else who cares for and treats you like you deserve to be
[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:32 PM, Friday, December 15th]