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TW, you probably feel insulted by her new guy. From your info I am guessing your ex does not feel love. She feels boredom, restlessness, irritation, but not love. She probably uses the word but her feelings don’t match yours. Her life is music and partying. That is pretty shallow. Your feelings of love sound healthy, or as healthy as you can be married to someone like her. It takes several years for our brains to recalibrate. This new piece of news triggered that still hurting part of your psyche. It will dissipate and you will go back to your new life.

The best advice I can give you is to be realistic about her. She was not a good partner. She cheated and tried to rob you blind in the divorce. They are not the behaviors of a nice person. Kindness appears to be missing. Make a list and refer to it any time you feel sad. The info should jolt you right out of melancholia. Life is too short to let her own any more of yours.

The British Paratroopers have a saying they often use before starting some risky job or task. Like if they are jumping out of a plane into a hot zone where they can expect enemy fire and a high chance of fatalities they will say "well... at least it won’t get me pregnant".
Considering it’s an all-male (I think) environment I think it’s meant as a form of black humor – that no matter what you are facing then at least there is something "worse". You could be in a worse situation.

When I read your posts I get a sense that she’s still heavily lodged in your emotions. Don’t know if it’s love, infatuation, grief... Don’t know if it’s her or what you hoped to have.
Yes – your therapist is correct that feelings are what they are... where I might possibly not agree with him on is that we can work at changing our feelings, and that starts by acknowledging our emotions, deciding that they don’t serve a positive purpose and then consciously working at changing them.

I have used a version of the paratroopers mantra when dealing with toxic relationships or situations.
Basically – I might be sitting after a phone-call from someone or about someone that is toxic to me. Rather than fall back to the expected emotions of anger, sadness, regret or fear about what I might be feeling for that person – I consciously say to myself "Than God he/she is no longer my concern, and I don’t have to let them have any residency in my thoughts".
It implies that it could be worse – that person could be my concern. I could get pregnant...

I contemplate on that thought for maybe a few seconds, and then I move on. If I find my mind going back to them I consciously remind myself that this is not the time nor place to dwell on that person. Thank God I’m not pregnant.

A lot of both positive and negative emotions are kept alive because they are fed. With this method you can cut off the supply that is feeding the toxic emotions. Won’t happen right away, but if used repeatedly it should start impacting your emotions.

I suppose it's just confirmation of how little I meant to her after 17 years.

I hate it when people tell me not to take things personally. If I'm upset or offended or even happy about something someone else did, then by definition it's personal. But not really.
I try to reframe that now by trying to imagine what someone else is getting out of the interaction. I'm usually not the most important piece of that equation, as much as it may feel like the comment or action is directed at me. Most people are at the middle of their own Venn diagram, and any impact on me is normally purely incidental. They're doing or saying something at that moment that is for their own benefit.
So, take the quoted portion above. What she does has no bearing on how important or not you were. For those 17 years, she meant everything to herself. It really had nothing to do with you. You served to support her, and when she did support you it was probably for her own ends.
We all do this to one extent or another, but some (e.g. cheaters) are foremost concerned with their own desires and needs. It's not that you are or are not important, it's really that there's no space for anyone but them.
The BLUF on my ramble is: don't take it personally. ;)
Stay strong.

Thanks for all the kind words, everyone.

It's true that he would not listen to me, even if I reached out to him... he's making his bed and will lie in it. If he doesn't see the red flags, it's on him. There are many. But she is attractive and charismatic, true to those with NPD, and it blinds people. Hell, it blinded me for years.

@bearly I'm glad to hear you say that. Sometimes I feel like I'm not winning the long game, even if I've actually done a pretty good job getting settled into a new job, house, and confident in my parenting... I have these "what if she has a wonderful, amazing musician life? It was supposed to be me there!" kinds of feelings, and I *know* that is ridiculous. My kids need me and I'm in a good place and I need to focus on that. And I have my integrity.

@Cooley, I began thinking years ago that she doesn't know what love is or feel it. I don't actually think she feels it for her children, bizarre as that is to say. Her life really is shallow. I have a lot of trauma and baggage from our marriage and yes, the recalibration is slow. Your advice to make a list and refer back to it is great, and honestly I think I have one from early in our D process to look at. It's funny that as I have gotten more removed from her, some of the awful things she did fade into the background a bit and there are some fond memories that can bubble up and obscure things. But she was truly cruel and unkind and I need to remember that. It's why I do not even want to be "friends" which seems to be the most upsetting thing for her.

@Bigger I do agree with you. I think we have some power over our emotions, to an extent. Like Cooley said, focusing on all the awful she did can help snap me back to reality. I like your method. Thank God I'm not pregnant. I need to work on cutting off the supply that is feeding the toxic emotions.

And @1994... you're right, I am the least important part of this equation. She is doing something for her own benefit, right now, and has been for years. I actually had this conversation a few weeks ago with her mom, whom I still talk to occasionally, because XWW really blew up at her about something trivial and XMIL was letting it eat at her for days... I said "Hey, this will hurt to hear, but she's not even thinking about that interaction anymore. She's moved on. Not even thinking about you." I should tell myself this now.

Thanks everybody. I'm getting through it. I'll be grateful for counseling in a few days, because clearly I still have some emotion to work through around this. I suppose I'm also thinking about my own relationship with a woman I've been dating, and wondering if she's right for me, and if I'll end up elderly and alone. And maybe I will, or maybe I'll choose that path, and I need to decide what path will make me most happy and walk it. I've been focused on rebuilding, not necessarily choosing a path.

TW, this whole thread got bumped so I took the time to read through as I'm now a few steps into the divorce process with a long ways still to go. It's kinda like when you start on 10 mile run and you're like half a mile in, you're already a bit tired but still got a LONG ways to go, but you're kind of definitely in it and committed.

Anyways. Dude. You are an absolute inspiration. I don't have anything else to add. But reading from the beginning and then seeing all you've overcome... The attitude you have after going through so much. You give me hope man. So just know that in sharing your story on here, you've been an inspiration. You're made of some rare stuff and I'm proud of you as a fellow betrayed and motivated by you.

Sending love and good vibes your way brother.