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It's nearly 9 months since DDay. I wondered if anyone else feels like things that used to mean a lot to them no longer seem to matter?

My WH and I are reconciling. I think it may be the run up to Christmas and the thoughts of present buying but I have found that a number of things that I used to hold dear in a sentimental way I can't really believe in now. WH wanted to buy me some jewelry for a gift but I had to say that honestly these sort of things mean nothing to me now. I used to think that someone would have to cut my finger off before I would remove my wedding ring but now I really only keep it on to avoid the inevitable questions if I took it off.

I know that he was asked by the AP to take his wedding ring off when they were together and I have no doubt that this has played a big part in how I feel.

I was watching Enchanted with my daughter a couple of weeks ago. I used to get the warm fuzzy feelings at the end of films like this but now I just have this commentary in my head saying what a load of BS it all is. I don't want my kids thinking that everyone will let them down but that is how I feel. Don't believe the love S*** because there is always a lie hidden in there somewhere.

Sorry folks.....not a very Merry Christmas message.

I’m so sorry you’re here. Doing the work, even if it’s going well, is a daily struggle against the heartbreak of it all. You’re honestly still early days.
Take it easy through the holidays. Carve out space for yourself as you process all that’s going on. Make new, easier traditions.

I can totally empathize with losing the warm fuzzy feelings with certain movies. You have a different set of lenses on.

I promise you will have happier days.

I’m so sorry you’re here. Doing the work, even if it’s going well, is a daily struggle against the heartbreak of it all. You’re honestly still early days.
Take it easy through the holidays. Carve out space for yourself as you process all that’s going on. Make new, easier traditions.

I can totally empathize with losing the warm fuzzy feelings with certain movies. You have a different set of lenses on.

I promise you will have happier days.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
For me, it feels as if all the joy inside of me was sucked out.

Smitty82 - I can totally relate to this. I feel the same way. About the ring thing. I took mine off on discovery and will never wear it again. What it represents is broken. I will only wear a new ring going forward with a new look to the future. The previous marriage is no longer. I didn’t want the constant reminder of broken vows. As for Christmas.. give yourself some grace. Don’t be hard on yourself. Holidays are not easy. Try to create new traditions and focus on things that make you happy one day at a time. Keep busy.

This year I’ll be putting up Christmas decorations to Guns & Roses… no sentimental Christmas music for me this year. 😉

Your feelings are feelings of someone who has been deeply hurt.
I can relate. I haven't worn my ring since D day 1, haven't celebrated holidays, my birthday or our anniversary since that day.

I think this is normal. Your view of the world has been shattered. Any naivety has been blown to bits. The fairytale dreams we subconsciously clung to have been exposed for what they were- fairy tales.

It takes time to process this, see the world with your new eyes, and accept that it has its own beauty, no fairy tales needed. Think of it like learning Santa is not real. Bit of a let down, no? But yet Christmas can still be magical, just different.

Be gentle with yourself, find the joy in the little things and trust that the bigger JOY will return, but it may look differently than it used to.

(Also, can’t recommend the sequel to Enchanted — it was only meh. ;-) )

Thank you all so much for your messages.

The Santa comparison makes sense. It’s a bit overwhelming that I will feel this ever decreasing but still ever present disappointment and sadness.

There’s a song by The Wombats called Is this what it feels like to feel like this. Not sure if they have made it outside the UK but I think that is how I feel. Never wanted to know how it felt but having to suck it up and feel it. No choice, no negotiations, never did anything to deserve this but here we are.

I have to be kick ass for my kids as the main reason for reconciliation and telling no one was them but it’s tough at the moment. Really tough.

I too can relate to what you are feeling, and I empathise. It's a horribly cruel but predictable fallout from being betrayed by the person you were so intimately connected with. Everything associated with the traditions and spiritual joy of Christmas has gonr. now it sll feels synthetic, ersatz..hollow..just plain phoney and I can't bear all the feelgood bullpucky on the television and radio. And as for buying gifts for the person who I thought I knew, how do you buy something for somebody who maliciously destroyed your marriage and stomped on your hrart?

I used to think that someone would have to cut my finger off before I would remove my wedding ring but now I really only keep it on to avoid the inevitable questions if I took it off.

Ten+ years I have been without my ring.

I work with my hands, and my ring was like a badge of honor. It had scrapes, welding burns....all sorts of scars...and I loved it. I had it on for so many years prior, I can still feel the indent on my finger. But the sad truth is, it'll never go back on. I literally put it back on, after having it off for quite some time, when I found out I was in a false reconciliation. That was the final nail. I told her that she can wear hers, melt it down....do whatever she wants....because those symbols are long gone. Keep in mind that I am reconciled, and far from any Ddays, but like your topic asked---they used to mean the world to me, and now I am indifferent to them. One of the casualties of infidelity.

At 9 months from Dday I doubt you have achieved much in terms of healing. Not saying that you are not trying but the healing process takes time. Sadly it does not happen overnight.

For me, some of the joys have returned. It’s a choice you make at times. You decide not to live in the past with the infidelity cloud hanging over you.

Yes there are things that are permanently ruined or negatively impacted from the Affair. So you try to reclaim them ( if you can).

Please don’t give up. Fight your way back to enjoying things you did before the affair. It can be done.

jb3199 - I think that I feel exactly the same as you and don't think that this will change. I suppose it's just like most other things at the moment. The wedding ring is on for show, just like the 'I'm fine' when anyone asks how I am.

What a load of rubbish to wear an advertisement of commitment and 'love' when WH could so easily take it off at the request of the OW. What the hell difference did it make to their behavior that the ring was in his pocket?!? The marriage was still there.

Anyway, The1stWife, I really do hope that the cloud that is currently hanging over me subsides. It certainly feels like I can't shake it off just now. Thanks for your comment and giving me some hope.

Upon thinking about this, it really isn't indifference. It's disappointment with a little anger mixed in.

That ring meant the world to me.

I'll never wear it again due to the circumstances.

Yes, it's my choice not to wear it, but something PRETTY DEVASTATING had to happen for me to make this choice.

I'm disappointed that my happiness was taken down by the one who I committed to by wearing that ring.

There are no armed guards preventing me from putting it back on; it just lost it's specialness.

Hi @smitty82 your feelings are so valid and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the painful aftermath of betrayal. I know it's tough now but you can do this!
Praying for strength for you as you move forward in reconciliation and that the near future will bring complete healing for your emotions and true and lasting R for you and your H.

When I say I’m 90% healed I ask what’s in the 10% that’s not healed? The belief in true love. I hate love stories, love songs, weddings and proposals. I’m more comfortable with cheating songs because at least it’s believable. When I hear someone is getting married, my first thought is, "which one will fuck it up by cheating?"

I used to always believe we were soulmates, I no longer believe in such a thing. I do believe my W and I are very compatible and fit together well, but if I am ever not married, I will not participate in love or romance again.

Sorry if I sound bitter, that’s just how I feel when I get into that 10% that’s not healed.

OP - I am also almost 9 months out from D-Day. I've always loved Christmas, but it just doesn't feel the same this year. We've had 3 Christmases since my dad passed away and, last year, I felt like we were finally healing as a family and making new traditions together. This year, I'm back to not really wanting to have Christmas because something is missing. Only this time it's not my dad. It's my faith. My faith in love and promises and commitment is missing. My adoration and respect for my husband is gone. My joy in almost everything is gone. The only bright light is wanting to create a nice Christmas for my sons, even though they're adults. They love our traditions and I am committed to keeping them for my precious boys. Normally I would have put up the tree right after Thanksgiving. WH took all the boxes out of the garage and they sat in the living room until yesterday. I told him that perhaps he could get started because I wasn't in the mood. He put the tree up while I was out all day yesterday with my sister. It still needs ornaments, but at least it's out of the box.

I also finally told my sister yesterday about what was going on. Until then I hadn't told a soul (except my IC, our MC and one friend who is a priest). My family and friends have known nothing until now. I still can't bear to tell my mom, and I don't plan to unless it's absolutely necessary. I trust my sister to keep it to herself. My IC and our MC has been blasting me to tell someone. The MC said we need to get all the secrets out of the marriage, including my secrets about what WH has been up to. My sister was very sympathetic. She listened intently and was visibly shocked that her brother-in-law of 34 years could act in such a manner. Her view of him will be forever changed, as will their relationship. WH knows that his friendship with her will never be the same now that she knows his true nature. She had no idea. She said I had been hiding my pain and trauma well, although now a few things I did or said in the past 9 months now make sense to her. For example, I caught our mom in a "little white lie" about who she was calling while we were all on a vacation together. I had a knee-jerk reaction to my mom lying and I came at her kind of hard. My sister was annoyed by the lie, but shrugged it off. Still, she wondered why I reacted the way I did. Now she says it makes sense that a lie would trigger me the way it did.

I guess all we can do is hang in there. Do things that make us happy. Do as much or as little as we want. I expect WH to pick up a lot of the slack on Christmas this year. I just resent being put in the position to have a Christmas where I'm feeling traumatized and sad. We have a nice home, great kids, a caring extended family. We have decent jobs, we're in a good financial position, our home is paid off. We were working towards a good retirement in a few years. There's no reason that I should have been blind-sided by his betrayal and disrespect. Instead of enjoying all my hard work, my life has become about therapy, journaling my pain, anxiety, stress. resentment and crying. I didn't even know I could produce as many tears as I have shed this year. Hang in there. You have my support!

I’m sorry you are here

I feel exactly like you but we are about 18 months out. There are so many things that don’t mean anything to me anymore. I hate that I had no choice and that this crap was just given to me and now I have to heal from it.

Over time I have come to terms with the fact that if I am staying I need to decide to be happy for myself and take care of me. I focus on our children and myself. I know my wh is trying, even though it’s not enough… but that’s another story 😞. It doesn’t make our relationship better but I can rely on myself to make new memories and new happiness for myself.

Please don’t give up. Things do get easier. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you all.

We took our daughter to see the Nutcracker on Friday evening. We have done this every year since she was tiny and I thought at least this would make me feel like I used to. I ended up feeling really sad and emotional thinking about how last year WH was sitting with us knowing what he had been doing and was going to carry on doing. Good job it was dark in the theatre......

We went and bought the Christmas tree on Saturday afternoon. Same here. I put on the smile and make it sparkle with my children but inside felt dark and lonely.

Monday is here again and I am stuck in my own head.

Thank you all for your posts. At least there are kindred spirits out there. You are so kind.

What you are feeling is totally natural. For me it was like a line was drawn on DDay. The experiences I had prior, and after, were totally different.

My EX was an excellent cook. I remember how many dishes she spent hours cooking and preparing, as well as setting a beautiful table and how great the experience was prior to DDay. She did the same after. Same recipe, same hours preparing, same beautiful table, but yet the food could have been from Subway. Didn’t taste the same.

The same for almost everything. Vacations, time with friends, playing golf together. The post d day experience was like someone used an instagram filter that muted all the beautiful colors and flattened them out.

Others here have experienced this, but have had the colors eventually become vibrant again. For me that never happened. Hopefully for you it will.