Topic is Sleeping.
Ladybugmaam (original poster member #69881) posted at 10:42 PM on Tuesday, November 29th, 2022
But when they come.....damn. I'm almost 4 years out. When they hit, I go into full on flight or fight....I'm googling divorce lawyers, etc. We've reached a point where things are good, maybe a little too comfortable. Not in a suspicious way, but in a "this is no longer a crisis" mode.
EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.
Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:24 PM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022
(((HUGS)))
It does SUCK...big hairy gorilla balls SUCKS...when these triggers hit. But you are learning how to combat them...and one day they will have very little power over you 
.
Our limbic system...or lizard brain...which produces our instinctive flight...fight...or freeze response...really WORKS to help us in a crisis. But it still sucks when they show up to "protect" us at a time when we don't need them to!! As your response to these experiences become more calm...your lizard brain will calm down too .
After 8 years of OWNING triggers...I have learned that they will still come up...and sometimes catch me off guard. But they will NOT define me . They are only bringing up a memory of a bad time in my life...nothing else. I control how I react...and I CHOOSE to react calmly and with grace...like the RULER of them that I am .
You are well on your way of getting there too Dear Lady...and will RISE above it like the beautiful phoenix that you ARE 
!!!
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:16 PM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022
What saves my sanity is that I have an exit plan and back up strategy just in case.
Somehow that calms me down. Especially at 2 and 3 years post Dday. For some reason knowing I had a plan made me less hit with triggers or anxiety.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 3:43 PM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022
I agree, 1stWife; removing a chunk of that "fear factor" makes a huge difference.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:33 PM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022
I view triggers as pain coming to the surface to be released. I have to work to remember that idea when I'm actually triggering, because triggers suck.
I found that they became less frequent and less painful as time goes on. Eventually, they became mild annoyances. Starting when I was about 3 years out, bad triggers were occurring once very 6 months, and from years 3-8, the time between them stretched out to once a year. My last big trigger was 3-4 years ago.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 10:22 PM on Sunday, December 4th, 2022
Hi @Ladybugmaam I guess triggers are the unfortunate aftermath of betrayal but as we progress in our healing journey, will become less frequent.
If something happens and I'm triggered, I find it much easier now to express how I'm feeling to my H and what caused the trigger. My H is also quite understanding and reassuring which I appreciate.
Great to hear that you are no longer in crisis mode in your relationship and wishing you all the very best as you move forward in your R.
Topic is Sleeping.
