SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its been barely 3 months since D-day On Aug 29, 2022 followed by 8 more weeks of bombs being dropped. Slowly...painfully. Nothing came out willingly or honestly. Even today I still don't know ALL the truths. Its as if he was intentionally torturing me. At one point in a fight he slipped and burst out with, "I just wanted to punish you for ignoring me!" Since then, lots of tears, remorse, continual apologies, books, podcasts, twice weekly therapy, talking, fighting. It never ends. Some days I feel so close to him and his 2 years of strippers, chats, hook ups, escorts & sugar babies seem like hurdles I can overcome.

Today, and recent, I just hate him and want to close my heart to him forever. How could he do this ? The one person i trusted in the entire world and gave me whole heart to -- after years of being abused as a kid and knowing how hard it was for me to love and be vulnerable. He did it. He married me after 7 years and fucked around for 2 after that (and perhaps even before that). Now, 2 years later I hate him. Constantly crying even still and obsessing about every single detail. I even created a false Seeking dot com site with his name trying to meet the escorts he'd been with. Scouring over every single detail and its never enough. Creating fake sites under his name on all the websites he was on (and there was A LOT). Trying to see what he saw, experience the allure, the rush, the dopamine fix. I'm so full of rage that I even want to create my own sugar baby profile and punish every man that comes into my path. Atleast I'll get paid for it. My brain is irrational.

I become enraged but I keep doing it. Seeing his "massage" girls reviews on RubMaps makes me sick, yet I cant stop. I even went into one of his Asian massage parlors asking for his girl by name and lost my damn mind screaming at the girls (yea, it felt good. Not gonna lie). I have said things in hate to him that shock even me. I am so filled with rage that I cannot focus on anything else. My poor 13 year old daughter doesn't know what the hell is going on with me, as much as we try to hide it from her. I'm aloof, distant, crying, sad, angry, filled with rage & despair, cant get out of bed, hate all men and the entire world. I cant clean my house, pay my bills, can barely function in my job. Its still hard even when we ARE together. I love him, but cannot get these images out of my head. How do I make this stop?

Can someone please tell me that this will get better? Will it go away ? Will i ever be able to look at him and love him again ? Is this what my life is going to be like now ? Me being a crazy bitch - wanting to love him one minute and hate him the next ? it scares me that I feel nothing for him when this rage comes. I'm numb. Is it worth all this pain or should I just leave him and move on ? I am becoming a woman that i don't even recognize anymore.

He's a serial cheater. Thats an enormous amount of cheating and betrayal, and lies, to move through.

Your child is living in a toxic environment.

It sounds like this is a deal breaker. And that's ok. It's perfectly understandable.

You don't have to attempt reconciliation. You don't have to put yourself through this process. It's only been a few weeks of possible honesty, after years of lying and abuse.

It's ok to put a pin in this,and leave this in the past. I would suggest you visit the divorce forum, and see how divorce might look.

Your feelings are completely NORMAL. You're only three months past dday and honestly, it's too early to commit yourself to R. You're still absorbing the shock and there hasn't been enough time for your WH to demonstrate change. Crocodile tears and snot-bubbled promises mean exactly NOTHING. It takes TIME for a WS to figure out their shit and repair their defunct character, and sweetie, not all of them accomplish it. Right now, you're trying to hold your nose and accept the unacceptable, but it's just too soon. The WS has to EARN his way back. If he doesn't, you're never going to feel like he deserves to be there.

Try stepping back just a little bit and allowing yourself the room to observe your WH's actions. What's he doing to remediate his poor character and lack of integrity??

Very sorry you are here. You have suffered a severe trauma and your reactions and emotions are normal. You have received good advice. Step back and watch his actions. His blaming you is bullshit. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused him to cheat. You can’t control another person. You can’t force another person to violate their own morals. He continued his vile activities for two years for one reason: because he wanted to do it. Period. Accept no blame. He had lots of legitimate options if he was unhappy.

Take time to grieve and get stronger and healthier. Always value yourself. He needs to deal with his brokenness that allowed him to betray you. Remember, the person who has the least interest in continuing the relationship has the most power over it. Always value yourself. Your WS has to earn his way back. Do not let him rugsweep his infidelity. Watch his actions and not his words. If he continues to blameshift and be defensive you have little to work with. Take your time, heal and decide what you want. Good luck.

"Why should I forgive?"

Sweetie, I'm not sure you can. And I'm definitely not sure you should. I would never encourage a member to pursue R unless it seemed (from here anyway) to be safe and the WS appeared to be remorseful and capable of change. You are posting in R. Can I ask, do you feel able to D? Are you even considering it? Because you should be. It's your protection, even if you don't pull the trigger right now.

his 2 years of strippers, chats, hook ups, escorts & sugar babies

Why do you think it's only two years? I find it highly unlikely that he just suddenly pursued this lifestyle. Idk. This is a lot. It feels like it's who he is.

"I just wanted to punish you for ignoring me!"

Lie.
He's lying because A. It sounds like it's YOUR fault, and B. It sounds like there's a reason for his shitty behavior. No way. His habits do not scream "problems at home." They scream, "Dysfunctional, selfish, broken asshole." And that's much harder to fix. His 'reason' is a straight up lie.

He's going to IC to address this? Is that one of your terms for R?

I am so filled with rage that I cannot focus on anything else.

You are in IC for this as well I hope? Before you do something you can't undo?

I love him, but cannot get these images out of my head.

Because the person you "love" is your abuser. Stop using your anger to punish him and instead turn it to love for yourself. Nurture yourself during this time. I fear that if you focus on your love of your abuser and fight to stay loving him, he'll take advantage of that need yet again. Please make him work to keep you while you learn to take better care of yourself.

You know who will always take care of you? You. So do it. Be your own best friend. You need her right now. Figure this crap with him out later after you have recovered a little.

IC will help.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:15 AM, Saturday, November 26th]

A lot of times,it seems that BS have a knee jerk reaction to R. They feel it's necessary, because they're scared. Or they just want to go back to the way it was before dday. No one should make major decisions out of fear. Some marriages can be "better than ever" after dday. Not all.

Not all marriages can,or should be, reconciled.

It's okay to save yourself--and your daughter--from this current toxic situation.

Maybe you need a break to reset and to observe your husband's current actions and to give yourself space from him to decide what your next steps are.

It's ok to love someone and not be able to sustain an ongoing living situation with them.

What do you need to do to take care of you and to regain your equilibrium? Move in that direction first.

How do I make this stop?

I'm not familiar with your situation, but have you considered a separation? Ideally asking him to move out?

My d-day was many years ago on Thanksgiving, and on New Years Day my wayward spouse moved out. Looking back, one of the best things for my healing was limiting contact as much as possible (we communicated via email, and I only saw him sometimes when he would pick up or drop off the kids), and focusing on me/my healing and the kids. It wasn't easy, but I went to therapy, started antidepressants, reached out to my support system, did fun stuff and kept busy when he had the kids, met with lawyers, and started the process to legally separate.

Very long story short, we moved back in together a couple of years after d-day after a lot of work, but I have no regrets about being legally separated, and knowing that I can walk away at any moment with separate finances, and child custody already worked out, provided me with a lot of relief early on.

I'm so sorry to read everything that you wrote it's heartbreaking and I totally understand. My situation is a little bit different but I completely relate to your feelings of being out of control and not yourself and not knowing how you will possibly ever feel good again.

My husband cheated on me with his assistant at work and when I discovered it he told me he was in love with us both.

He has since broken it off with her and says he is committed to me but hes not really demonstrating that all the time.

I also have a child around the same age as you and she wonders what the heck is wrong with me. I'm not the supermom I usually am for her right now.

There are some days when I can get some things accomplished and other days where I don't even want to get out of bed, So I can totally relate to what you are saying about trying to carry on with your life and it being a massive struggle.

Your situation reminds me very much of my 1st marriage which I discovered husband had a gambling problem and a sex addiction with strippers. I forgave him for all of that and our marriage carried on seemingly happily for several more years and then I discovered that he had been carrying on an affair with a 21 year old stripper behind my back for an entire year. I found out later that while I was away on business trips monthly she would move into my house the weeks I was gone.So horrible. When I discovered this I was devastated but he told me he wanted to stay with her instead of me and he wanted a divorce. I was completely broken-hearted but I have to tell you it was the best thing that ever happened.. getting away from him. When someone disrespects you at that level and in so many ways and for so long there really isn't any fixing it. I quickly realized that once I got away from him.

Your situation is a little different because you have a child involved. But I still think that your child will probably end up being much happier if you are happier and someday find yourself in a healthy relationship with someone who respects you back. It sucks when we love someone and they do not deserve that love.

We are all a little damaged from our childhoods and I think the most important thing we can do for our children is to minimize any childhood dramas and keep them protected at all times. In my case that's partly why I'm staying with my husband. Because I don't want her to go through a divorce. But if he doesn't shape up and start showing me that he is really committed to my marriage then I will leave him and I know she'll be better off by not having to be in a home where there's no true love.

I am no expert but I think the most important thing you (and I) need to do is shift our thinking from these men and what they are doing and what they want and shift it back to ourselves. What do we want? What do we need to be happy? What can we do for ourselves?

I think I'm gonna take my own advice and go do something nice for myself and my daughter today. Maybe a little shopping therapy? Or Manis and pedis? Anything to keep from running these awful movies in my head of the affair.

Maybe you can find one nice thing to do for yourself today too? Even a hot bath or nice bottle of wine is sometimes a glimpse into normal, better days ahead.

Sending you lots of healing thoughts and encouragement. You are not alone :)

I am so sorry you are going throught this. My question to you, why do you want to stay? What is it with your relationship you want to salvage? I know that sounds harsh, but each of us have to ask that question of ourselves. What do we want in the relationship that is worth the hurt and pain we will go through?

Are you going to individual counseling for yourself? If not, consider that. I found for me, it helped me to make decision about my future. They didn't tell me what to do, but helped guide me to the things that meant the most to me and what was and was not acceptable. Only YOU know if your marriage is worth salvaging. If you are experiencing this level of anger, and creating the site you are creating...is it really worth it? Is it worth the problems your daughter will go through? I regret while I was struggling, I wasn't there for my daughter as I had been years before. I think she believes I was grieving for my Mother, but I know the truth. You will only have this time with your daughter once.

Remorse only comes when your FWS does tremendous soul searching and making changes to help you heal. do not confuse regret with remorse. What is he doing to help you heal?

Because the person you "love" is your abuser. Stop using your anger to punish him and instead turn it to love for yourself. Nurture yourself during this time. I fear that if you focus on your love of your abuser and fight to stay loving him, he'll take advantage of that need yet again. Please make him work to keep you while you learn to take better care of yourself.

after years of being abused as a kid

I was sexually abused at a young age, not sure what your abuse was but I want to say that you are living a double edge trauma right now that you will need some help to continue to move thru this whole thing. You are so new to this that I agree at 3 months out it is all too new and fresh to be able to comprehend. Add in the fact that he is torturing you and causing further trauma by his trickle truth. It has you continue to live the trauma over and over.

I know you are on the R forum as most BS's who are hit with this automatically feel they want to R. I can't say here whether you will or won't get there in your marriage, but I will say that until you can find someone to help you thru this trauma you won't be able to answer in any kind of healthy way. If for nothing else, seek it because you want to become a healthy person for your child.

Going onto those websites is doing you no good. My advice would be to shut down everything, get off of them now. You are eating up too much of your life and time and energy on something that you have no control over.

Your childhood trauma is now effecting your current situation. Please understand that your WS is 100% at fault for this, he is a complete douche for all he has put you thru, but you must put the life preserver on you first. Seek a professional in not only childhood trauma but affair trauma who can help you work thru this and become a much stronger person as you go forward.

I just want to (((hug))) you as this is all so painful. One step at a time, but that step needs to be putting yourself first.

[This message edited by realitybites at 1:44 PM, Sunday, December 4th]

How do I make this stop?

I was very much this way even years out from the A. My XWS wasn't remorseful and I was filled with rage most of the time. My kids saw and grew up in a very unstable marriage for YEARS. What made it all stop... I left. It was the best decision I have ever made. I am no longer plagued by the A's or what he did. I believe in my case being around the perpetrator was the cause and it was a total dealbreaker for me from day 1.