SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WS - if your infidelity was of the NSA kind:

My WH spent several weeks hooking up with a 'random' person online, then met her once for a night of NSA 'attempted' (his words) sex. He says he deleted her contact details the next morning and they never had any intention of communicating after that. This was 8 months ago.
He says (and has said since D-Day) that he doesn't think about her at all unless it is when I raise his infidelity. FWIW, their encounter was apparently far less exciting than they had both hoped, with neither really matching up to expectations 'in the flesh'. I am aware that this might be minimising things, but she didn't look much like her pictures when they met, etc....

I know that he thinks about his actions and feels shame and remorse, etc. But is it really possible that he doesn't think about HER unless I raise things? [He was somehow able to not think about me, his family or the OBS when he was doing the dirty, so...]

Many thanks.

But is it really possible that he doesn't think about HER unless I raise things?

The short answer is yes.
I never think about my AP unless something like this pops up. It's been this way since D-Day. I'm almost 16 yrs out. Now, I don't think about her much but I think about how my relationship with my wife has changed for the better. I have a 45 yr relationship with my wife. I spent a half dozen meetings with that woman over a month. There is no way the relationships and memories of that are any way close. I think of her and I think about a bad choice I made that brought a bad time into our lives, nothing more.

Thank you. That is so helpful to know it is actually possible.

Several years ago, my wife met a guy while out for dinner/drinks with her girlfriends. I saw a strange phone call and internet searches, and confronted her about it within a couple days. She denied everything and made up a story to justify the phone call. I knew she was lying, but until she admitted something, what was I going to do. Eventually, she did come clean, but is really fuzzy about a lot of the details. Since she was so consistently denying the situation, it seems like she would actually remember the situation better. It's not like I waited ten years to ask about it -- for several year it came up in every conversation we ever had about her infidelity.

I guess my question is, if or when you lie to cover up something, and the question comes up over and over leading to years of repeating the same lie, does that cement the details of what you're actually denying, or is it possible that they get fuzzy like any other years' old event? Thanks for any input.

I think some people can convince themselves of a truth. I do think that is possible.

However, I also think intuition is never to be discounted. Something is telling you it’s off. It’s not sitting right for a reason very likely.

Question for FWS's and mainly FWW. My WW expressed last night that she doesn't know how to deal with the shame of our close friends and family knowing. She says it will destroy her and everything she has "accomplished" in life. Is this something that some wayward's cannot overcome. She has mentioned before that sometimes she thinks it would be easier to run away then face the music. I have been hanging out with our friends group that she has been exiled from (mostly because she hasn't returned calls, texts, and offers to talk). It has been bothering her, but I am not going to shun life-long friends - who are my support system, because it makes her uncomfortable. Just looking for some insight or some books that can explain it.

Dear waywards,
My question today is: did you/ do you need reminding about the pain you caused in order to ‘not forget it’?
Since I was told the real name of the AP in my WH’s (apparent) 1-time random sex hookup, I have oddly been much more at peace. Whilst there are questions that arise (the sort I really do not want to know the answers to if I am honest), I feel I know enough about the practicalities at this stage. Suddenly, the haunting questions are less haunting.

However, if I stop asking questions and bringing up the A, is it likely my WH will forget about the hurt and damage it has done? He says he will never forget, and I do not need to worry about him forgetting, but I almost feel I need to keep raising it so that he doesn’t forget the pain he’s caused. It is 8 months since D-day,but key bits of trickle truth have emerged more recently.
Hope that question makes sense.

wjbrennan

While I'm not a WW, I would like to offer my opinion on something.

She has mentioned before that sometimes she thinks it would be easier to run away then face the music.

This statement really jumped out at me. This sounds very conflict avoidant and seemingly lacks an sense of accountability. Has your WW been like this throughout your relationship in other non affair ways?

JMO but if she feels shame for what she's done, too bad. She's the one that had the A and should be the one to own it and do what's necessary to fix it. Even if its difficult and painful for her. I would really pay attention to this and its one of the things that could have led to her A.

Panopticon72

However, if I stop asking questions and bringing up the A, is it likely my WH will forget about the hurt and damage it has done?

While my situation is different from most here, I can say that I will never forget the A and the betrayal. I am 8 years out from the ending of my A and it still crosses my mind from time to time.

That being said, your WH should be checking in with you to see how you're doing and if you feel the need to discuss anything. The recent TT, was it something he deliberately withheld or just forgot? If the former, it almost sounds as if he is trying to do a bit of rug sweeping and that would be troubling.

He does check in every day at least once. He also sends a reassuring message almost every day when I am at work. The very fact he does this makes me less in need of asking questions; but yes, he deliberately withheld the name, which I interpreted as him having more loyalty to her than to me. (Basically, they were both married and tried to guarantee their secret by hooking up with another ‘happily’ married person who didn’t want to actually jeopardise their marriage…). I think the reveal of the name was why I now feel more at peace: it made it extra real to him, and meant that I now have ‘agency’ rather than ‘them’.
Anyway, thanks so much for your response.

wjbrennan

I am going to agree with ff’s assessment. She made this mess now it’s time to deal with the fallout. Avoiding people because they know about the affair is not healthy and she needs to get out of shame mode. Running away from the problem is not going to fix anything. There are patterns and/or justifications in her that led to this being a possibility and if she doesn’t face those she could start brand new with a fresh start with someone new and could land herself in the same place.

Hi, I am sorry that I seem to be hogging the questions. I have one which has just risen up. I hope you can help.

Did you actually want to get found out? I know this sounds silly, but my WH got sloppier and sloppier in what seems to be the month after his infidelity (which seems to have been a one-off, as far as all of the evidence shows so far). Not only did his behaviour tick all the nasty boxes, but he left quite a lot of incriminating evidence about and even said things that suggested he had slept with someone else. It got to the point where I woke up in the middle of the night, having tried to put the evidence into a 'it really can't be that; he's got so much integrity' box and said aloud to myself: 'I know he is having an A.' Thirty minutes later, I had more evidence than I ever wanted.

Is there a desire to be found out, even though you want to preserve the deception?

Panopticon72

First off, ask as many questions as you want.

Is there a desire to be found out, even though you want to preserve the deception?

For me, I certainly did not want to get caught but I wasn't as concerned about the what would happen if I was if that makes any sense. Much of what you read here about the WS mindset is pretty spot on. I had lied to myself about the nature of my relationship with my wife. I was convinced that she didn't love me and really wouldn't care about the A. While I may have been a little emboldened in my behavior during my A, I never thought being caught as a desired outcome.

Gosh, another question from me; thanks WS for taking the time to reply.

My question relates to the revised histories and distorted perspectives of your M preceding and during your A.

My WS seems to remember virtually no good times between us in the months leading up to his infidelity; however, I know I was not half as horrible as he has painted me (my kids and I would start the day nonplussed by his angry outbursts which seemed to come from nowhere, etc.; I tried to hold the fort whilst working full time, looking after the kids and home as he went deeper and deeper into his internet addiction…).
I am not claiming to be perfect at all, but I was working very hard to do the pick me dance before I even knew about the infidelity.

So, the question is: Now that you are out of the bubble or fog of the A, can you now see where and how you rewrote history and (deliberately) found fault where there might not have been so much? Or is this something that you have not been able to do because your truth back then was your truth back then?
Thanks so much.

I can clearly see I contorted facts to feed my justifications. Most ws are avoidant - they are escapists. But no one wants to be the villain or bad guy so tye focus becomes on someone’s flaws or the relationship flaws, and what you focus on expands just in normal human nature- so when that human is doing things they know are wrong they tell themselves why they are entitled to continue. It’s all bullshit and yes I could see that clearly once I had time to process the affair.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:13 PM, Tuesday, October 1st]

Thank you. To be fair, he keeps realising things he just wasn’t at all consciously aware of (we are talking very big issues with our kids; medical scares, etc.) It was like the fog was so heavy, he had no actual awareness of the ‘truth’ or family life. He acknowledges that.
Thanks again.

Thank you. To be fair, he keeps realising things he just wasn’t at all consciously aware of (we are talking very big issues with our kids; medical scares, etc.) It was like the fog was so heavy, he had no actual awareness of the ‘truth’ or family life. He acknowledges that.
Thanks again.