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I'm finally ready to get my feet wet but my life circumstances are less than ideal. I pretty much live on an island and my social circle is many hours away, i.e. no set ups anytime soon. I can't even really ask my coworkers to set me up since they're all married and keep to themselves, not to mention I haven't seen them in months. I live in a city, which means the dating pool is significant, but at the moment my hobbies are of the "solo" variety. I did recently start running in a highly populated park, but that's not exactly the solution, plus that's a weekend only thing and I don't like my odds. Dating apps seem like even worse odds since it's a numbers game and I'm competing with thousands of men. I'd rather meet a woman more organically if I can.

I'm humbly asking for any advice that isn't the boilerplate "it'll happen when you least expect it". I'd love to hear some anecdotes so I don't feel so intimidated by the mid 30s dating game.

"OLD is a numbers game..." Ugh. Yuck. I don't get that.(and I know you didn't coin that phrase, so don't take it personally ) Just know that it doesn't have to be that way! If you take the time to write an interesting profile and have interesting photos, I promise you will stand out and it is not a "numbers game.". If your profile stands out, you will not be competing with thousands of other men. Make a fake profile as a woman, and check out the men in your area in your age group. You will see that 95% of them have profiles that look exactly the same. Fish photos. Group shots with their friends that leave you wondering which guy is the one with the profile. Blurry photos to hide imperfections, etc. a photo of them posing next to a sports car or motorcycle, or a photo of the car or motorcycle and no guy in it. Interests: "anything on on the water, happy hour, etc..." BORING! You can come up with something better. Be specific, like "I recently competed in a charity kayaking race." Or "I'm a master scuba diver." I met a man who said his dream was to one day travel the world in his sailboat. Sailing was his passion. See how that stands out more than "I like anything on the water."

Clear photos, travel adventures, a great warm smile, and a narrative that is well-written with correct spelling and punctuation. Do not use the words "soulmate" or "partner in crime". Too much pressure and neediness. Unless that's the kind of woman you want...

I never thought I would try online dating. But it's been fun and eye-opening. I have a friend, 59, who is very intelligent and well-traveled. He has multiple dates per week. His profile stands out in a good way. In fact, that is how I met him. We are just too far apart in age, and other things, so we are in the friend zone.

Continue to try to meet people organically, but don't completely eliminate online dating in my opinion. OLD is how 99% of my single friends meet people these days.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:34 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

Like WhoTheBleep said, I appreciated profiles that weren't "here's my truck, here's me with a fish, go sports team." Humor is great. I appreciate even an attempt at it. I went out with this one dude simply because he posted a ridiculous picture of himself attempting to eat an absurdly large cheeseburger. I liked that he didn't take himself too seriously.

Oh hey if you have a dog, def post pics with your dog. Dogs are chick magnets. I'm allergic and I STILL would swipe right for a cute dog. Logic flies out the window

The answers above are great.

I had plenty of success with OLD (a half-dozen first dates before I met my current GF) and I didn't feel like it was a numbers game.

Be honest and describe yourself well and you should be okay. Be patient and have an idea of who you want to date too.

One thing that I did... was I asked a female friend help me write my OLD profile. The changes were subtle, but they definitely didn't hurt either.

OLD is great man. Seriously expands your pool of potential dating partners. Met my current GF that way, and there is no way I would have met her otherwise.

I say give it a try, meaning jump on 3 of the online apps, and give them a whirl. It does take about 2 weeks to get use, to, and like anything else, practice makes perfect. Before you know it, you'll be dating once a week with new people. Its fun and it gets you out, although a bit challenging during COVID, so maybe give it some time.

Also, if you have not, I'd recommend some books and reading. If you are like me, it was a long long time not being in the dating pool, so the scene all that comes with it has changed. Good luck and have fun AG

Hi AG,

I agree with some of the stuff written above. Here's my take on it.

I'm in my 50's and had to 'learn' how to date online. At first I was completely intimidated. I did meet someone that I dated as soon as I got on one of the apps. It was a positive experience but I also knew I only would be able to date him briefly.

So I kept trying online dating. I really hated it from the get go. I wanted something more natural and organic (aka real life). There were so many things I didn't like such as the addiction aspect,(apps can be highly addictive), not remembering who was who, the ghosting, the impersonal aspect, the texting...yuck. And mostly not being able to get an immediate 'vibe' on the person, although, in time I could almost intuitively tell who was on the other side of the screen.

Being a life-long learner and wanting to 'crack the code' on online dating, I figured out a way to do it (and am now coaching others). Here's a few things that I feel are key. First of all know yourself. (There are psychometric tests that you can take if this sounds intimidating). Then love yourself. (Easy once you get to know yourself). And finally, get really clear on what you want. And I'm not talking about shared interests, because a relationship can't be built on interests...because those can change.

As for a great profile, here's my personal opinion on that. I don't recommend using just the swipe apps. I would get on the websites (pay for a few months) where you can communicate what you really would like and tell lots about yourself.

Before writing your profile, get super clear on who you are, (again not necessarily just what you like to do) and who you are looking for, who you envision yourself with, what you'd like to do with your life and with your ideal partner.

The writing part is huge. As others mentioned, take your time with it, no spelling mistakes etc.

Then the photos: only 2 are needed. A really great headshot (no sunglasses...looks like you're hiding) and no hats! Just you. Because you are enough. And smile! If you have a hard time smiling, then get someone to take your photo and tell you a joke or make you laugh. It will be far more natural.

And the second photo is a full body shot. Wear something flattering. No shirtless photos. Leave some mystery. Something that you feel super comfortable in. No pets (they aren't going to be dating your pet or your motorcycle, or eating that fish you caught).

Make sure the photos are really, really good quality. Nothing blurry, and the photos have to be recent. (Builds trust right away).

Then, go into the profile of each woman you are interested in. Read the profiles. How she does the small stuff, is how she'll do the big stuff.

You initiate contact. Not with a heart. Or an emoji. Write to her. As though you are writing her a letter. There is a way to do this so that you can clearly let her know you are interested in a way that is genuine to you.

One of the things that would catch my eye would be when someone would actually write something as opposed to just liking my photo or commenting on my looks. The compliments can come much later otherwise it feels insincere. At least it did for me. I'm not saying it's not an ego boost if it's coming from a good looking guy, just saying they weren't relationship material.

Definitely comment on something specific on her profile -- why she caught your interest etc.

From there, if there is rapport, don't prolong the texting...go to a phone call. Texting too much kills the momentum.

The phone call: no more than 15 mins. You will get a feel for whether it flows or not. There are a few key questions you can ask, once you figure out what you really want and what's important to you.

From the phone call, if it flows and she is interesting or there is something that intrigues you, make a date. Yip. A coffee date. Only. No movies (worst way to get to know someone initially).No long dates. That comes later.

Coffee date: no more than 1/2 hour. And that's it. Make a decision, yes or no. You will know right away if you want to date her. Especially if you've done the work beforehand. If she's not the one, you thank her, let her know you won't be pursuing anything further, and keep going.

I learned alot via online dating and met some really good guys. But they weren't my guy.

There are about 4 other ways to meet someone. My favourite is... in real life!

I learned how to meet men in real life while still experimenting with online dating. Real life felt great once I got the hang of it and figured it out.

As a guy, you can do alot with real life dating! Done well, you can have as many dates off line as online. You're in the driver's seat on this one.

I typically would have 2 dates a week, sometimes 3 or 4 but then I got dating fatigue...it's a real thing. So I took it slower.

Long story short, I ended up meeting my guy in real life. And we've been together 8 months.

Also, don't worry about competing with thousands of men. Trust me, many of the online profiles I saw left a lot to be desired.

I didn't buy into the idea that 'it will just happen'. Nothing that I've ever been successful in, 'just happened'I approached this as a job, really. Kind of an experiment to see if it can be done. And it worked!

Good luck!

Really great advice here!

I would just add that OLD gets you out, meeting people, confronting post-divorce fears and assumptions, knowing yourself more thoroughly, and defining what you are looking for in life. It's a hard step to take and frankly I think OLD makes it significantly easier these days.

Also, I'd question the desire to "meet someone more organically." We're a storytelling bunch - we tell ourselves stories. One common story is that true love is serendipitous, not arbitrary or arranged. Another is that a successful relationship begins with a "spark." If you're reluctant to try OLD because of beliefs like these, ask yourself where these beliefs come from and if you're certain they are true/helpful/reality-based.

Again all great responses. To add to all the wisdom

I would remind you that the most important part of deciding to try OLD is that you’re willing to put yourself out there. It is a numbers game cause there are 7.5 billion people on this planet and most of us are just trying to find one lol. I got lucky recently and while doing the online thing met someone but not from the apps. I’ll say the short version is that the reason I met her is because I was actually available, and wanting something (as opposed to previous attempts at finding someone to use to cope 😔 Not just trying to fill a job application that was left vacant...lots of wisdom shared 😎

Mid 30's here and started OLD. I'd consider myself a strong introvert and shy. OLD is definitely difficult (for me), but I'm not indiscriminately swiping and swiping with intention. Matches are few and far in between, but I did get a few here and there. The handful of people that I have met during this pandemic have been great.

I'm not one to even do this and was able to do it. If I can do it, anyone can! Best of luck to you.

No pets (they aren't going to be dating your pet or your motorcycle, or eating that fish you caught).

I have swiped right just because I liked the dog 😆. I have one at home and I had a picture of her.

Also if you want someone that is into sports, motorcycles, art., etc..then I don’t see any issues in posting a picture of your “thing” in One of your pictures. I consider it an icebreaker. Some pet pictures drive people away if they don’t like them or are allergic.

The main thing is your pictures must look good and be clear. Tips on that - good lighting and portrait mode for headshots. If you’re tall, list that. I agree no shirtless photos unless you’re a hot model that gets paid for that anyway. Then I want to see 😆

Women get overwhelmed OLD - I got over 3600 right swipes in the first day...and I was only on it for an hour.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 12:25 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

So much great advice here. Dating apps are good. Highly recommended.

I had hardly ever been on a date in my life, and then suddenly I was in the world of online dating in my 30s. Was/is awesome and fun, even where I live. When I travel to a city it's like 10x better. Some pro tips/musings in no particular order:

1. Yep, dog pics if you have one.

2. Limit yourself to one selfie. Don't do it in your disgusting bathroom mirror or your car.

3. Smile.

4. Keep your shirt on.

5. Make sure you have at least one full-body pic.

6. Dead animals (hunting/fishing) are generally frowned-upon.

7. Same with pictures of you at the shooting range.

8. Use spell check. The ability to write coherent sentences immediately puts you in the top 10%.

9. Use a few apps.

10. If you really like her, don't chat endlessly without 1) asking for her number and moving the conversation to text, or 2) asking for a date right there on the app. Eventually you have to do one of those things!