SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

it's been a couple of days since D-day, I told my BP about my cheating, texting other people and sending pictures that occurred during the beginning of our relationship that lasted for 3 months, i kept it hidden but decided to tell bc I didn't want them to live in a lie anymore but mainly i them out of fear after they had told me about a coworker telling BP about another cheating situation and to make their own decision about whether to stay together or not we decided to rebuild/reconcile, yesterday they sent a text message about if i was telling the full truth they're willing to work this out but if i wasn't then they would rather be left alone, to tell you the truth there's some details i left out, trickling down the truth and im going to tell that today when we meet up today in person, they're likely not wanting to hear it idk i just feel like telling them is the right thing to do and that its completely over. There was no excuse for me hiding that info for so long or even cheating while in a serious relationship (together for 1 yr and a couple of months, friends before dating) some advice would help, i found this website a while ago and decided to give it a try (never married but was proposed to) the only people that know about this situation is my family so right now no one else knows and my parents about seeing a family friend who's a psychist.

Friend

Welcome to SI, and sorry you have cause to be here.
You are correct that carrying on into a relationship with that baggage is doomed. I know being honest might risk your relationship, but it would never have been an honest relationship without that disclosrure.

I want to suggest one main thing:
Be truthful and honest about what happened AFTER the two of you decided to be together.
Like… he has reason to know if you did A or B with Jack or Joe. But he doesn’t have any more right to your full sexual history than you do his.
Keep in mind that anything you willingly hold back can cause immensely more damage a year from now – if discovered – than it might now. Trickle-truth tends to be the real killer.
I don’t know your past, but if we imagine this scenario: If you told him you had been intimate with 2 men, when in fact it was 3, then letting him know the truth NOW is likely to cause less damage than learning a month from now that you kissed someone.

Let him know why you are being honest. That you care for him and envision a life together, and that needs to be built on honesty. If this kills that hope, then so be it.

Ask him how you can assure him he has the truth. Offer access to your phone, media… whatever he needs. Offer to take a poly, hypnosis…

Let him know that you are open to him asking anything, and that you realize that if he opts to remain with you it still allows him to ask and question. You would hope that with time his need lessens, and that over time trust can be built.

Your hunch is correct.

Trickle truth is the single most devastating thing after infidelity, and it amplifies the magnitude of the betrayal itself.

Before the full unconditional truth there is no chance to heal, without healing no reconciliation is ever possible.

Write it down and put order in the chaos and promise you will go through all the truth and make sure you don’t let out anything it might help to put his mind at ease.

Truth hurts but there’s nothing that can hurt more than the infidelity in the absolute sense. The only thing that makes it stick as etching it forever in your lives, is the trickle truths.

That should be your number one enemy to take down if you are serious about reclaiming yourself from infidelity.