SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was just going to reply to my original post but I guess it's snoozed or something.

After I posted my story here several months after DDay #3ish, I hung around and posted some and read a lot. I took the summer off, but I wanted to check in. First, to offer my gratitude not just to those who replied to my story, but to so many here who are so raw and honest with their own stories, and so empathetic and compassionate to others. I have close friends in my life that know my story, but I know, and they know, that they can't truly understand what it is like to go through this.

I won't recap my story, but it's been 16 months since everything finally ended. IC and MC, telling our oldest two kids, all of the things. I know that I am trudging through the "plain of lethal flatness", and I've learned a lot about myself in IC, especially how my idol of approval that focused so intently on my father growing up transferred to my wife in our marriage. How that idol played no role in her A, but it has been the biggest hurdle for me in recovery. I am working daily on being secure in my own identity as separate from "us", even as we remain committed to each other and rebuilding a new marriage. There are days that the deep sadness of it all just hangs over me, and I can see her seeing it. At it's worst, I feel desperate for her approval, her encouragement, her affection. On these days it is almost impossible for me to initiate my own affection and encouragement towards her. I may say the words, hold the hand, but she can feel the flatness in it. Though I know she alone can't fill that hole and be on that pedestal again (because that role in my heart should be Christ's alone), on the bad days I WANT her to be able to fill it. I've told her in tears that our marriage was definitely my idol, SHE was my idol, and damn it was a good idol. I struggle to allow Christ to fill that role. On those bad days, sometimes I want to scream at her to fall down on her knees and sob in gratitude that I stayed, to go on an on about how strong and forgiving I am, to shower me with affection.

On the good days, I feel the love of my Savior, and can love my wife more freely, empathize with the pain that SHE is going through, as well, and reach out to comfort and encourage her. I am a broken sinner just like her. I will never do to her exactly what she did to me, but I've hurt her, too. I've given in to my own sinful desires in many areas of life. All of our sins grieve the Lord the same. I pray that these good days will somehow outnumber the bad one day. I have so much to be grateful for. Our oldest is headed to college next week. Our health is great. Our parents are alive, and they love us well. Our friends have mostly stuck by our side.

But dang, sometimes its just so lonely. To know that 99% of the people you live around and work with everyday have no idea the pain you've been through, and still feel. Thanks for being that for me.

I've learned a lot about myself in IC, especially how my idol of approval that focused so intently on my father growing up transferred to my wife in our marriage.

On those bad days, sometimes I want to scream at her to fall down on her knees and sob in gratitude that I stayed, to go on an on about how strong and forgiving I am, to shower me with affection.

Gentle reminder that you can believe those things are true about yourself, that you are gracious, strong, and forgiving. God also sees you clearly for who you are, and He will affirm them too, if you listen. You can also ask for affection from your W any time you want it.

On the good days, I feel the love of my Savior, and can love my wife more freely, empathize with the pain that SHE is going through, as well, and reach out to comfort and encourage her. I am a broken sinner just like her. I will never do to her exactly what she did to me, but I've hurt her, too. I've given in to my own sinful desires in many areas of life. All of our sins grieve the Lord the same

You are divinely Forgiven. Washed clean by the blood of Christ. Don't forget it. Maybe you would enjoy the song "Somebody Like Me" by Caleb & John, featuring CAIN

I think it’s an astute self awareness that you can see her approval of you as an idol. Because betrayal often feels like judgmment of worth to a bs.

I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but just as often the person who cheated is actually making a statement of their own worth. We love others through the lens we love ourselves. We respect others the way we respect ourselves. And we as the ws often try and perceive ourselves through how we believe we are perceived by others. And in my case, my resentment of my husband had about to do with voids I should have been filling in myself.

All this to say, what you are describing is probably the same sort of thing she struggles with, but her way of coping with it was wrong.

You are a humble man trying hard to forgive and that is a hard climb if you feel her cheating was a statement about you.

I get you are logically seeing that but emotions take time to catch up. I know how hard it is to heal that and form a more firm opinion about yourself and what you have to offer.

You are on the right path even if that doesn’t seem clear. I don’t mean the path about what you choose ultimately about your marriage. But in reflecting on basing your self worth on what another person has to say about it through their behavior.

And you are not wrong to say any to see and hear some appreciation for trying to stay with her. I think that’s a separate issue from worth. I think a ws should reflect on that to their bs from time to time. Sometimes it’s not a big conversation—we will be enjoying each other and I will just exhale and say something like "to think I could have missed out on this, I was such a fool."

Those expressions are needed and you aren’t wrong to want them. Communication is important—-we all want to be seen and recognized in the way we struggle or in our victories. Maybe you can find a way to tell her that without being prescriptive about it. Meaning if you tell her exactly what you want her to say then it’s going to fall flatly. Perhaps you just tell her you would like to feel more seen in the way you struggle and try when you don’t have to. Her reaction may be telling for you.

Keep processing and let it out. It feels a lot like suffering now but you are healing. It’s so excruciatingly slow sometimes that it’s no wonder you feel the way you do, and a lot of bs experience this—-it’s human nature and normal.

It’s so excruciatingly slow sometimes

This. I really appreciate how many people here have described the length of their recovery as normal. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot it would be hard for me to understand my wife's looong process. One of the hardest things for me is thinking she ever sees me as weak, or overly emotional. Grieving feels weak, sometimes. I know its not. But that's the game my mind plays.

-I'm hurting or struggling with thoughts of the A.
-She can tell. And she wants me to express them.
-I do, and even though she is 100% empathetic with my pain, it hurts her, too.
-I see her struggling with regret/shame.
-My inner voice starts telling me she thinks I'm weak.
-cycle repeats.

It’s unfortunate that so many people are taught and conditioned that it’s weak. I think this happens more often with males as dads and peers and role models are taught the same thing and it’s done a disservice to connection.

On top of that—-Being vulnerable to the person who hurt you—-that is incredibly hard. To let down your guard and show them your pain can feel so humiliating.

Ironically it’s the exact thing that can restore the connection in a relationship.

There is a book that I feel helps dissect this and it’s an easy read. I read it once myself and later my husband and I listened to it on audio book in the car on a trip and would periodically stop and discuss it. "Rising strong" by Brene Brown.

I am not your wife but I can tell you when my husband began opening up more it didn’t feel weak to me at all. It felt strong, and it was a relief and we continued to slowly share more and more of our hopes and fears and feelings. It brought us back to connecting.

I understand your pain and how hard this all is and I encourage you, if you feel your wife has really changed and learned from all this to lean into thinking differently in this regard. Learn more about it because even though you are only adding to your logic, it does help to have the information and differing perspective to help you push past.

It maybe too early yet for it. I know it feels like a lifetime but 16 months out is early in the healing journey for most of us. But what you are feeling is so normal. It’s normal to feel protective over yourself towards someone who traumatized you. If you do feel reconciliation is your desired path, I would see what you can do to try and overcome that in baby steps. It will not change over night. What you are describing people here often call a vulnerability hangover. The window just needs to keep staying open a little longer until eventually a door opens and it stays open a little longer than that, and eventually over time the walls can come down but it’s starts with a cognizant choice.

And by the way, I am not saying that’s what your choice should be—-I don’t know your situation well enough. Some bs really Ned to lock all windows and doors. What you are writing though doesn’t quite strike me that way.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:23 PM, Wednesday, July 29th]

Hi Friend,

I appreciate what you have shared. There is no doubt we can make idols. But consider this....the marriage was MEANT to be closer than any other relationship. God gave the woman to be the special, intimate helper and companion.

There IS LEGITIMACY to get fulfillment in your spouse. Of course not divine fulfillment, but fulfillment nonetheless. And you can think of it this way...a good spouse is a gift from the Lord and should be accepted and enjoyed as from Him ultimately.

Part of me wonders if you have swung the pendulum to far the other way. Meaning...you almost sound like your grieving is because you idolized altogether. I would say no....even if you had a perfect spiritual walk...it would be COMPLETELY legitimate to grieve deeply. Even Jesus grieved when he recognized he was betrayed by one who called him a friend.

Psalm 55:12-13 KJV
[12] For it was not an enemy that reproached me; Then I could have born it: Neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; Then I would have hid myself from him: [13] But it was thou, a man mine equal, My guide, and mine acquaintance.

Does not God desire us to cherish our spouse? Of course. And know this, the more one loves...the more they can be hurt. The magnitude of hurt is proportional to the importance one holds in your heart.

So I would suggest reconsidering this. Examine what is the real difference is between idolizing....versus simply being deeply in love and attached.

Now if your wife had abandoned the faith, and you chose to do the same because she would not approve, then in that case I believe you would have been idolizing.

But to be utterly crushed because your wife betrayed you and your marriage in the most intimate and sacred places....brother....that is EXPECTED.

Dont try to lessen the reality of the injury caused by your wife by unnecessarily assigning idolatry to your experience. May the grace of God guide you. 🙏

Part of me wonders if you have swung the pendulum to far the other way. Meaning...you almost sound like your grieving is because you idolized altogether.

I understand how it might sound that way. One thing I realized about myself in IC is that growing up, the approval of my father meant everything to me. I didn't realize it at the time, but his strengths were everything I thought a man was supposed to be. He was self-sufficient, seemingly capable of fixing anything, learning and remembering anything, supremely frugal and wise with our finances, confident in his views (which I in turn absorbed as what I thought were the "right" views and opinions on almost everything, and utterly unconcerned with what others thought of him. As I became a man, I realized that many of my strengths were much more relational in nature. I could communicate, teach, counsel, and coach, and all of those things made me good at my job. However, I never felt like I measured up to what I was "supposed" to be as a man.

When I married my wife, who I considered completely out of my league (even though that sounds so cliche), I began hanging my hat on HER and our seemingly idyllic marriage as my life's greatest success. I was a "good" teacher, but not a great one. A "good" coach, but not a great one. A "good" dad, but not a great one... But HER? Oh, man... I got HER. Its like I always had that in my pocket to pull out and say "yeah I AM significant".

This was obviously an unhealthy way to love and cherish her. Had the A never happened, I may have still realized these things about myself, and sure, I would have needed to work on them, but it wouldn't have been some earth-shattering issue. When what I thought was our "perfect" marriage came crashing down, my whole world came apart, along with all my built up security that wasn't really based on my own identity, but what I'd "accomplished" by getting the wife everyone would have wanted.

I don't see the fact that I cherished my wife so much and valued our marriage and romantic love so much as a negative. But the way I placed my entire significance on all that... that was the part that I've had to work through. Does that make sense?

I think it makes sense to a point. Yet, a great marriage, wonderful wife, etc....IS SOMETHING to take pleasure in. And I believe it is OK to garner some bit of identity from that. Why ....? Because building that good marriage...having that good wife...is not only a gift from God, but also shows some semblance of character you have tried to develop....of some good thing you have pursued.

Even God in Proverbs 31 offers praise for a truly virtuous woman. Of course we would need to check out hearts with any good thing, as fallen beings.

The problem you have run into....is she chose to break something that is sacred. You are dealing with the fallout of that. If she did not do that, as a Christian you still would be admonished to check your heart, and prioritize your affections. But that does not mean you could love her "too much". You just would have to keep the context and order clear.