SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted previously and appreciate all of the responses. I had a LTA 20+ years ago that I have never disclosed. At the time I thought we would stay married until kids were out of the house and then divorce and I always intended to take the secret to my grave. Along the way, but particularly since 2018 when I started being home (semi-retirement / working remotely) and since 2020 when we became empty nesters, I have fallen deeply in love with my wife. We have always been super involved parents and in retrospect we put zero focus on our relationship over the last 25 years in lieu of always focusing on our kids. I am pretty sure that was mostly me as it was easier than confronting what I had done.

I have been in IC with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. I have had a lot to unpack from childhood trauma (messy family with a father who was a serial cheater / divorced when I was 11, being sexually active from age 15 onward which did way more damage than I could have imagined, etc). I still really struggle with the shame spiral and worrying that my wife will wonder how she ever loved me once my wife sees the "real" me, but am committed to disclosing everything. I know disclosure puts my marriage at risk and not sure what I will do if my wife does not want to reconcile. I do know that I want to rebuild a relationship that I burned to ashes unbeknown to my wife and to do that she needs to know everything about me.

My therapist primarily works with the BP and is bringing in a colleague to help with the disclosure. He primarily works with waywards that are also sex addicts, but is modifying the disclosure to fit my fact pattern. I am terrified on so many levels. We are targeting early August as we have a bi-annual family reunion that is a big deal for my wife (almost 40 years of tradition with her extended family) and we are trying to find dates that are not around any significant events (birthdays, anniversary, etc.) that will forever be associated with DDay.

I am having a difficult time getting past the shame spiral. I want to be ready to support my wife and focus on her healing and I know that wallowing in my shame is not helpful. I can intellectually say that I know I did a bad thing, but that does not make me a bad person; however, seems like I am applying a lens to every aspect of my life that leads me to thinking "I am a bad person". My last therapy session was rough and I kept asking what if I am really a bad person. I know myself best and I have so much self-loathing that seeing how anyone, especially my wife, could see me differently is hard right now. I know some of this comes from my infidelity and hiding it for so long, some of this comes from feeling like I was abandoned by my dad (and even my mom when she remarried, which is totally unfair as she made so many sacrifices for our family), and some is feelings of inadequacy as a father, but knowing the source and changing my perception of myself seems like an impossible chasm to bridge many days.

Therapy is helping and even ChatGPT has been a good resource, but I want to post in this sub as DDay gets closer for accountability and advice. As scary as disclosing is, continuing on with status quo is untenable. I would sacrifice anything for a time machine to go back and warn my younger self of the impact my terrible choices would have. Knowing my wife will never see me the same again is so hard to think about. I should be her ride or die, provider and protector, lover and friend and instead my actions are what her worst enemy would do. I want to be there to support and help her heal if she wants to reconcile, but have no idea how someone would trust or allow the person who is inflicting the damage to do that. My therapist keeps telling me not to assume what my wife will feel or want. I want to be ready to be there if my wife will allow me and that requires me to stop focusing on my shame so any suggestions from those who have walked this path are appreciated. Also for those so inclined I would appreciate any prayers on my behalf. I want to believe in a path that leads to a happy ending, but many days that seems so distant and unrealistic.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 5:23 AM, Friday, July 11th]

My therapist keeps telling me not to assume what my wife will feel or want.

This seems to have been a theme many here pointed at as well. Make space for her to react, feel, and process. That shame spiral thing is deep in you because you have been a dam that has been ready to burst for a very long time. Shame for me kept me from having the space I needed to allow at first. It took me a long time to get to the place where I do not have the toxic shame that guides my life.

Are you planning to disclose on the therapists office? What is your wife’s view of a therapist?

I think what I would mentally prepare for more than the disclosure (which is terrifying, I know). It seems you want to be more emotionally close to your wife. For a while this is going to probably take you further from her than you are now. And after that, there are no guarantees of sharing the kind of closeness you hope for even if she is willing to reconcile.

Therapist thinks I should disclose 1:1 followed by a therapy session depending on what my wife wants. My wife knows I am in therapy and if she looks at who the therapist is she would see her specialties. From my original post you may remember that I think my wife may already know something happened. She comes from a family that has had about as little trauma as can be in this day and age and talking about heavy topics is not a thing. My therapist and I think my wife may initially be reluctant to do therapy after the disclosure whether she wants to reconcile or not and my therapist is concerned if she does not that will take an even bigger toll mentally and physically. I would want her to, but I am obviously unable to control what happens after the disclosure.

I am going to work through the disclosure plan with my therapist and her colleague, but preliminarily I will be disclosing that I had an affair, who it was with, and the duration. If my wife wants to know more that would be in a formal session with the therapist and we would have a much more detailed disclosure as well as the forum to answer any questions. Obviously I am going to be ready to answer any questions / provide any information after the initial disclosure if that is what my wife wants. I initially wanted to do the disclosure in a therapy session, but therapist strongly suggested 1:1 and I ultimately think that is better for my wife also.

Your last sentence broke me. I know it is true and even in the best case scenarios the idea that we can rebuild a better relationship than we have had is a long shot and will take significant time, but this is one of the many reasons that I have been afraid of disclosure. Just so fucking angry with myself.

I am glad to hear it’s not going to be with a therapist. That seemed wrong to me as well based one what you have explained to me about your wife. It would likely worsen the feeling of betrayal to do it that way so I agree fully it should be 1:1. Going into a room with your spouse and a stranger and they both know but you don’t seems wrong to me.

I think it could absolutely end in the best case scenario. I just wanted to see if you have thought it out the other way. It could also go in a completely different direction and you could be right that she knows. Recently, a long time member said that she knew her husband cheated away in business trips and later on in life she brought it up and he was embarrassed she knew but she didn’t feel like there was anything to address. So anything at all is possible.

I just put the other thing out there because there is a whole spectrum of what might happen.

As for the shame you feel, it’s eaten you alive for so long I think you are likely a good candidate to rebuild with. It’s obvious from your other posts that you are very willing to do anything it takes. This increases your chances for success considerably.

My spirituality helped me overcome my shame. We all are so divinely loved, and we all have God in us. To continue to ignore that was to ignore HIm. You have His grace, the path to healing is to learn to give yourself the same. When he forgives it’s as if it never happened. Of course we are human and have to amends to make to those we hurt, and they will need time to mend. But it’s still not meant to be a life sentence. And you have made it that as you lived in a cage of secrets for so many years.

The more compassion and love we can grow for ourselves is always congruent with the capacity for love and compassion we have for others. God wants us to grow in these ways, in his image, regardless of what you have done.

If anything else, I at least hope these steps allow you to walk in the light, for you have lived in the dark for long enough.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:37 PM, Thursday, July 10th]

The therapist had the same line of thinking. The thought of someone else knowing and feeling like it is a two on one scenario with the initial disclosure would be a disaster. My wife has never been in therapy as she has never had to deal with significant trauma (husband of the year giving her the trauma of a lifetime is going to change that) so I am not sure she will even want to start therapy after the disclosure regardless of her decision on reconciliation.

Took a while to find the right therapists and another month to get on a regular schedule. I am going weekly now and the weeks are going by quickly. The therapist encouraged me to focus on exercising, eating well, intellectual stimulation, and meditating / praying. She thinks I am depressed (and I am) so I am really trying to get as well as I can in the next month so I am not focused on me during the disclosure and aftermath. Work provides the intellectual stimulation, but I am 1 for 4 as I am currently not exercising, eating poorly, and feel very distant from God. I know God is knocking on the door and I need to answer, but I think in a way I am afraid to lose the shame and pain I am carrying. I feel like a deserve it and God telling me there is a path back would take that away.

One of my worries is that I will never get past the feeling I utterly failed as a husband even if we successfully reconcile. Lots of work for me regardless of reconciliation, but my therapists thinks the shame I am carrying from the deceit since the affair is a heavy burden that will be lifted upon disclosure. I can only hope she is correct.

Curious if others who know the shame spiral felt any lighter once everything was disclosed? I am worried seeing my wife realize she is married to a monster she never knew will add more to the weight I am carrying, but really hope therapist is right about the shame associated with the lies getting lighter after disclosure.

How does your faith handle people being a failure? Or being a monster? Paul talks about this extensively. I'm asking (gently) why you are not using this to strengthen yourself when you feel shame. One possible reason is that shame allows you to stay self-centered. You have the resources in your faith to not be self-centered, to not focus on your shame, to be strengthened so that you can meet the needs of your wife without focusing on yourself.

Godspeed with your disclosure, I will pray for you.

I believe in Christ's sacrifice and that it redeems all of us including me. I am finding believing Christ when He says I can be forgiven difficult. I recognize the cognitive dissonance in that. I find myself pain shopping and think I am so upset, disappointed, betrayed, angry, etc with myself that I am seeking the pain to punish myself. So not healthy, but being honest.

I know my wife will never see me the same again and in truth I will never see myself the same as I was before. I used to feel happy and proud of my ability to provide and protect my family. Everything about me feels tainted and I do not know how that changes as this is fundamentally part of me at my core.

I believe in Satan as being in opposition to Christ and I know shame is one of his greatest tools. I recognize Christ wants me to walk in the light and feel the forgiveness that comes from His sacrifice. I want to feel forgiven, but I have an everyday reminder that I betrayed in the worst way possible the person who has been nothing but loyal, loving, wonderful wife, wonderful mother, and more than I ever deserved. I cannot currently forgive myself and I know that prevents me from feeling like I can be forgiven.

I actually had a terrible dream the other night that I was in the afterlife and in hell. I was at my APs and could see it clearly despite not being there in 20+ years. The sense of dread I had seeing it and thinking my purgatory would be served in that place was so palpable. I woke up sobbing.

I hate that I am feeling this dark. My therapist is worried I am depressed and I believe I am. She thinks as the impending disclosure nears the reality of the situation is dredging up the shame and guilt at levels I have really not confronted. I take edibles at night to sleep and try and still my thoughts / conscious.

I am working hard in therapy and outside study to be in a much different place for DDay. At present I would likely vomit and have an emotional breakdown telling her how sorry I am, how she never deserved this, how selfish my choices were, and in my head this devolves into me telling her I do not know how she could ever love me as I have no love for myself. I refuse to be the one on need of support and comfort on DDay. I want to be present with an infinite capacity to hold space for anything she needs. I fucked up so badly, but want to do everything right to help her heal.

I need to not only pray, but listen and feel the answers. I need to humble myself and focus on my wife. I need the strength to do this and I know that can really only come from God at this point as I have no chance on my own. We are at my wife's extended family reunion and I think seeing her so happy (this and the beach are her happy places) is really bringing out these feelings in me knowing what is on the other side in a few weeks. Just really hitting me hard tonight.