SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think I am at a point where I am very nearly done with my marriage. After catching him texting the AP that he loves her, and laying down some strong conditions. I find out after an argument two weeks later that he sent her an email asking her to call him which she didn’t. But once again he minimised it and said he had done nothing wrong and it was my fault that I am so unloving and he is lonely (again true) hence why he reaches out to her but she is a c*** for not responding.

Anyway, I blame myself for a lot of this horrible cycle. He has given me his phone password and last night I saw text messages to his work colleague that he asked to be a mediator after I found the I love you messages to help cut contact, asking how the Ap did in her exams and whether she had talked about him at all and how he is angry that the work colleague has taken her side and that she hates him.

This was after another night of him drinking, telling me I don’t show him any affection or love and that only one of his children loves him and he wanted another baby either with me or with someone else if I wouldn’t as he needed more people to love him as apparently his daughters don’t (they are 2 and 5).

The next morning he acted like nothing had happened but I was upset and he said why are you off with me. I said I read your message with your work colleague last night and I think you still want to be involved in the drama of the AP, he got really angry about it called me some horrible names l, told me he was leaving and his mum was coming for lunch but he was going to call her and tell her I hate her and don’t want her over (as there are some issues there but I don’t hate her) and he was leaving for the day. He didn’t leave but came back in a horrible mood, how I owe him sex and never give it to him and I am constantly mean to him and when I offered he said I made it into a chore (but the reality is I have zero attraction for him now due to all of the emotional hurt so I would have to force myself).

I had told him recentlyI wanted a divorce and he got so angry with me that I had to back down . but he keeps saying file for divorce leave me but then says he will not leave the house and I don’t have anywhere else to go. I feel like he is right I am not being emotionally available and he copes with this by drinking but then I find it really hard when he hasn’t treated me very well.

I got him to read ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’ and what he took from it was that most people cheat for an emotional connection which he doesn’t have with me so I interpret as it is basically my fault.

Also just add he has just come home after getting take out that he insisted on eating, saying his life is awful, all my fault as I am so mean, he is an alcoholic and it is my fault, just be nice to him that is all he needs.

I guess I know that I am not innocent and I should not have mentioned the messages or read them, but is his reaction normal? I don’t get why he doesn’t leave, it is like he wants me to do it but I have no family here and his mum lives down the road

No, his reaction is not that of an emotionally well-adjusted human being. He is not owning up to any of his actions. He's betrayed you again by reaching out to AP and to the work colleague.

He has woefully twisted the words in HTHYSHFYA to suit his needs and didn't apply anything towards work that would gain your trust, which would then help you feel safe and willing to show him affection.

The feeling I got from my XWH was that he wanted me to file for D so he could say that he could make me out to be the bad guy. He wasn't going to mention that he cheated, so I would be seen as the unreasonable one.

You don't owe him sex - you don't owe him anything at this point.

Sorry, Lemonpie. Infidelity is the worst.

Please repeat to yourself as often as needed:

I AM the victim.

It is not MY fault.

This was HIS shitty choice.

OMG. What a world-class douche canoe.

Poor baby fucked everything up and now he doesn’t like the outcome? So he is going to blame you?
NO. Just NO.

Please talk to a lawyer/solicitor and find out what D might look like. He has NO interest in changing. He wants you to sweep it all under the rug and let him continue to pursue the AP while keeping him happy and sexed at home. complete cake eater. Well your bakery needs to be closed.

And who blames a toddler for not liking him? Good lord. He is delusional.

Lemonpie - you and your kids deserve better.

This is so painful to read b/c I can only imagine the level of stress you are under.

As I said to others here, you may need to consider the 180 and detaching. Stop reading his emails if it is too upsetting. You know his "go to" is other women and drama etc. so there is no need to constantly expose yourself to it.

If he drinks, then that is in him. Join a group to help you understand how best to deal with an alcoholic. Al Anon (do I have the right name here?) may be very helpful for you.

The 180 is designed to protect you from being attacked and subjected to his issues. Don’t talk about D - until you are ready to file.

Don’t engage in topics that will lead to drama. You are NOT responsible for any of his issues. It’s up to him to fix them. If he turns to alcohol then that is on him.

But you need to take some steps to stop being exposed to his drama. Read up on the 180 and then do it.

After catching him texting the AP that he loves her, and laying down some strong conditions. I find out after an argument two weeks later that he sent her an email asking her to call him which she didn’t.

As I was reading this, I was hoping your next sentence was going to be, " so I stopped talking to him and went and saw a lawyer. I am getting divorced."

That you didn’t say this tells him that he can keep playing stupid games with you, and you will take it. There is no need for him to change.

I had told him recentlyI wanted a divorce…

if you want a divorce, then you can go get a divorce. You don’t need his permission or anyone else’s. You just go see a lawyer, they draw up the paperwork, you serve him with those papers, and you get a divorce. Yes, more involved than that, but that’s the essence of it.

But you aren’t doing those things right now, so it doesn’t sound like you want a divorce, you just wanted to tell him that you wanted a divorce and see his reaction. In other words, a manipulation. You are playing a game with him. You are using your emotions and words to try to get him to do the things you want him to do.

Here is the problem with doing that, he is much better at manipulating and playing games than you likely ever will be. He is a liar and a cheat, and he manipulates and lies like you breathe and eat.

Here is the "game" that you can play, if you want to call it that. Honesty and truth. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and back it up with actions that match your words.

He frankly won’t know what to do when this happens, because he will have lost control and will be unable to manipulate you. Don’t say you wanted a divorce, go get a divorce. Don’t say you are going to ignore him, just ignore him. Etc.

It’s the only play you have in this game.

And take care of yourself. His mission is to beat you down so he can stay in control. Your mission is to rise yourself up, in spite of him.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 11:56 AM, Saturday, April 19th]

Ma'am, I am sorry you are facing this betrayal at the hands of your alcoholic husband. I really am. He is abusive, manipulative and a gaslighter extraordinaire. He is toxic to your very soul.

Very gently, when you say:

Anyway, I blame myself for a lot of this horrible cycle. 

And

I feel like he is right I am not being emotionally available and he copes with this by drinking but then I find it really hard when he hasn’t treated me very well.

You are buying into his manipulatiom imo. I think you are so beaten down at this point that you are doubting that which you know to be true about the situation and about yourself. Any shortcomings or failings that you may have give him absolutely no right to betray, blame shift, manipulate, and hide on a bottle of booze. This is classic alcoholic behavior. No responsobility taken. Its everyones elses fault. Yada, yada, yada. Ad infinitum. Reject everything he is currently spewing. Its just all he knows.

Now to this:

I had told him recentlyI wanted a divorce and he got so angry with me that I had to back down . but he keeps saying file for divorce leave me but then says he will not leave the house and I don’t have anywhere else to go. I feel like he is right I am not being emotionally available and he copes with this by drinking but then I find it really hard when he hasn’t treated me very well.

Again, gently, you dont threaten divorce, you divorce. As to his response, well, thats what the courts are for and he will not dictate to the judge that which he will or wont accept.

You are going to have to find your strength now, for yourself and for your children. Do you have close friends or family that you can confide in and lean on for help? Can you get some individual therapy to help you navigate this? Please see an attorney to discover your rights.

Strength to you Ma'am. Get out of this exceedingly toxic environment.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:15 PM, Saturday, April 19th]