SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since DDay (February 5, 2025) I feel like I've been treading water. I started counseling, but the therapist thinks I should start couples counseling before individual therapy, which seems backward to me. Whatever. My WW has done nothing of the sort for herself. She blames me for her affair. I have serious doubts about her. She refuses to cut contact with her affair partner.

I originally characterized the affair as emotional, but it was really an online sexual affair. I have no proof they had physical sex, but she got a job lead from him at his work place and she got the job. That was over a year ago. Now he is her supervisor. How nice. She conveniently forgot to tell me he was her affair partner for five years and lied to me until recently about it. So for the first year of her job she pretended to me that she never met him prior to working there.

I found his address and sent his wife a letter informing her of his infidelity. When she got it she took a picture of it and sent it to her husband, who sent it to my wife, who then called me saying, "Do you have anything you want to tell me?" as though I were in trouble. She tried to shame me about it. Sorry, not sorry. Apparently his wife doesn't speak to him except through text and is looking for an apartment for herself. My wife acts entitled. Fucking narcissist.

The story he told her (as recounted by my wife) is that he had an emotional affair with my wife. I rolled my eyes when she told me this because that is how I characterized it at first. To me it was clear from that that she told him about our situation and he used that for his own explanation to his wife about what happened. That's how I know she still talks to him about our relationship. They have no boundaries and she refuses to set any with him.

As her job is a career change for her (car sales and she's really good at it) I gave her one year to prove herself. Then I am sending a detailed letter to the general manager of the dealership exposing both of them making sure to tell him that they are jeopardizing the dealer's reputation. I'll send that letter regardless of what she does.

This is my life now. My days are filled with endless reading, watching videos, and journal writing about the affair. I feel like shit most of the time. My resting emotional state is always elevated. Even my resting heart rate has increased by 20-30 bpm. I have stooped to planting a VAR to catch her, but she knows I have it, so it will probably be fruitless. But who knows. Maybe she will slip up.

I started counseling, but the therapist thinks I should start couples counseling before individual therapy, which seems backward to me. Whatever. My WW has done nothing of the sort for herself. She blames me for her affair. I have serious doubts about her. She refuses to cut contact with her affair partner.

I’m sorry to say this, but you have NOTHING to work with here. First off, you are correct and your therapist is dead wrong. The marriage didn’t cheat. SHE did. Based on this alone, I would urge you in the strongest terms to find a new therapist immediately. The one you have is clueless.

Next, that your wife remains in contact with her AP means the affair continues. Your wife is showing precisely ZERO signs of remorse. I don’t think you realize the reality you’re in. The ONLY marriages to ever genuinely recovery from adultery (and don’t think for a moment those two weren’t physical: EA + proximity = PA), is when the betrayer (somewhat miraculously) reaches TRUE remorse. I define true remorse as being willing to crawl over broken glass, for as long as it takes, to heal the relationship. As being completely concerned with the healing of the betrayed, and not merely for ones self.

Hint: your wife doesn’t have 1% of this. Staying with her in this state is strictly an exercise in continuing to be abused. Yes, your wife is abusing you. Find a new therapist, one with actual experience dealing with trauma (it’s clear yours doesn’t), and perhaps explore if you’re suffering from codependency and/or why you’re willing to suffer this abuse. They’ll help you determine, communicate, and enforce boundaries.

This is NOT coming from a place of judgement. Many of us have been there. We don’t want you to suffer any more than you already have. Why not learn from those with hard earned experience?

Above all, keep posting. Some posts will strike you hard. Instead of immediately dismissing them, spend a moment or two pondering why a particular post offends you. It may be things like fear of being alone, or something else a legit therapist could help with.

We’re here for you.

I'd say 'She refuses to cut contact with her affair partner' says everything that needs saying.

There is nothing left to save and, even if there was, she has no interest in saving it.

I’m very sorry you’ve found it necessary to find this site, but I’m glad you found it, because you need its wisdom.

The situation you face is intolerable and any attempt to just live with it will kill your soul and identity.

Please read some of the pinned resources (the 180, etc.) and determine to not put up with any of this any longer.

You’re wife - if she wants to continue being such - can and must get a new job. It is ridiculous to expect you to put up with her somehow finding a job with her AP as her supervisor. It is outrageous and impossible to stay married in that circumstance IMHO.

I think HR needs to know immediately that the AP is supervising someone with whom he is at least having an EA.

If you have the resources, and without telling her - hire a PI - tail them on their lunch breaks, etc.

Do the VAR if you can

But decide right now to stop tolerating her behaviors, and get yourself ready to separate and prepare for divorce. If it pulls her head out of her butt, great I guess. But if not you’re only killing your self by staying. Generally speaking, unless something is done to break the spell of this affair, reconciliation and working on the marriage is impossible.

My very best to you. And I am praying God helps you and guides you.

Please do yourself a favor and see a lawyer about a divorce. I do not see one thing in what you wrote that says she loves you, wants to be with you, and is still in the affair. This is your one life. Go look for positive things. Walking, bike riding, painting, building furniture. The things to do are endless.

We all feel your pain and we all know there is life on the other side. I am so very sorry you have to deal with this.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 5:57 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

I’m sorry that you are having to go through this shit show that you didn’t sign up for,but glad you found this site. You did nothing wrong.Like others have mentioned the marriage didn’t cheat that’s on your WW. Her not telling you that she works with the AP puts up a huge red flag that the affair is still ongoing and she shows no interest in cutting ties with him and working to regain your trust in the process of fixing the marriage. I was in your shoes almost 2 years ago to the day when I found myself in this situation. I thought WW would want to save our marriage but she didn’t and informed me she would not give up her AP .She had that same entitlement that I here you describing and shortly after she left to be with her AP and let me to raise our daughter.At the moment going through a divorce and see the attorney next week which I think will be the end.Like others have stated I don’t think she will change her ways and I know it sucks to hear but I think you need to contact a attorney and start a process of getting off this hamster wheel and save the time that will only destroy your soul while you get drug through this.

have stooped to planting a VAR to catch her,

Catch her doing what?

Our collective experience on this site has taught us a lot about infidelity. Now – your instance might be the one that breaks the rules or proves the exception but here are some trends and behaviors that we recognize that are predictable.

The first thing that comes to mind is your reaction. A reluctance to reach the logical assumptions based on what you know. We see a lot of that. The initial reaction is to hope this is less than it is. I remember one guy whose wife admitted to spending a night in a hotel room with her boss and having bought lingerie and sex-toys along, but denied sex. This guy couldn’t decide if she had cheated or not, because he didn’t have "proof" of sex...

Assumptions are never great, but often they beat not having direct proof. Like if you smell smoke in a hotel room and when you touch the door and it’s hot, you ASSUME there is a fire. You don’t have to open the door to see the flames. I think you might be trying to "catch her" to see the flames, when you already have the smoke, the hot door and the ringing of fire-alarms...

This was/is a sexual affair. If there was sexual content shared with the intent of causing arousal... it’s sex.

It’s also highly likely that two adults that are sexting or doing online sex for FIVE years and that have an environment where they can relatively easily meet in person don’t do "real" sex. Imagine all the opportunities: a closed office, that "meeting" he took her along with, that conference/car show she attended, that hookup in a vehicle during lunch, the office-supply room that nobody uses, that time she went to work early, that time she had to work Saturday...

He hired her to have her near him. Why would he do that if it’s "only" cyber? You don’t get aroused any more if your favorite porn-site is housed a block away rather than cross-country. It’s online – distance is irrelevant.

You say yourself that this was a career change and that she has DEVELOPED into a great car salesperson. So, she wasn’t head-hunted or anything like that. He didn’t pick her out for her proven sales abilities. He hired her to have her near. Why? If this was cyber-sex, then why?

The logic simply does not add up to this being more emotional and less physical.

Now – I could be wrong. Like I said early on we build on shared experience and I’m basing my analysis on shared experience and logic. MAYBE your wife is the unicorn. But frankly – YOU DON’T KNOW.

THAT is a key issue. You don’t have the truth.

Frankly – I have yet to see a successful reconciliation where the betrayed spouse isn’t clear on what went on.

I have seen couples reconcile from really dire situations – multiple affairs, abuse, separation... – but if they reconcile then they both know the basis they are reconciling from. Seen plenty "reconcile" where they rug-sweep the issues, but that doesn’t really last.

Then you have the situation where she blames you for what she did/is doing.

If something YOU did "forced" her into having an affair... how can you prevent a repeat? After all – say you forget to pick up milk on the way home; would that justify her giving the neighbor oral sex?

A KEY-FACTOR in recovery is the admittance that no matter how the relationship was, the decision to have an affair is a) totally the decision of the wayward spouse and b) has nothing to do with what the betrayed spouse said or did.

One thing we have seen repeated about a gazillion times here on this site: A promise that what wasn’t an affair is "over" and that nothing is going on. Also – like in your instance – where the partner of the OP has been informed.

Your WW and her AP work together... Do you really think a 5 year "addiction" can be quit cold-turkey if you have your drug-of-choice right in front of you? IMHO the odds are something like 19/20 that they have taken this underground. Like... "your husband found the sexting, so let’s not do that anymore", or "my wife questions why I work Saturdays so maybe I don’t do that anymore" – followed by "but we can hook up during lunch" or "we can sext while commuting" or whatever.

With 19/20 odds... your best option is to assume it’s ongoing.

Then there is the key-factor our collective experience has learned: There has to be no contact with the affair partner.

With them working together... that’s not happening. We strongly advocate that the WS leaves the job if it’s a workplace affair.

Friend – I’m not painting a pretty picture... But I think I am painting a true picture based on what you share – along with our collective experience. I think your safest and possibly only option is to believe your logical assumptions and then leave it to HER to disprove them OR prove them right.

So back to the first question I asked: What is it you want to catch her doing? Why? Why not just assume it’s ongoing until she can convince you otherwise.

What would I suggest?

Well... Think long and hard about the worst-case scenario. You are thinking that it’s losing your wife... Well... is that the worst? If so – then allow her to have her affair. After all since it’s been going on for five years then OM isn’t going to divorce and then marry her. Give it time, and maybe in 2-3 years he finds a new sputnik-salesWOMAN...

This way you have a happy wife and she is likely to stay.

Does that sound good? If not then really evaluate what is the worst outcome?

I think you will realize that the worst outcome is ongoing infidelity... That not having your wife despite her being there is even worse than not having her. That in reality you don’t have a marriage as long as she is having an affair.

I suggest you give her the following speech:

"Wife – I always envisioned us growing old together as husband and wife. However I have realized that as long as you are having an affair with OM then at best I share you. I don’t share my wife. I have also realized that even worse than not having you is sharing you.

Since you are committed to your affair with OM then all I can do is refuse to share. You are free to be with, date, spend time with and do whatever you want with OM – but not as my wife. I am initiating the steps – both legally and emotionally – in terminating our marriage.

This isn’t what I want, but even less do I want to share you. If you want this marriage you have a short window of opportunity to let me know, as well as to comply to some requirements about accountability and truth, but you need to understand that I am content with my decision and the further I go the better I accept it."

Then go make a sandwich.

If she wants to tell you why you made her have to have an affair...

"I’m sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage, this might be addressed in MC. Since you are committed to your affair there isn’t any need to address this. Want a sandwich?"

No matter what issue she throws at you – the above is the standard answer (sans the sandwich maybe).

If she wants details about the D process:

"I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to make rational decisions on these practical matters. Inevitably we will be living separately and our debts and assets divided, but until then I will leave it to those that have the legal knowledge to deal with this"

Basically – you turn into a gray rock. You don’t feel her any emotional response. You have set your course and are following it. You can change course if she responds, but for now you are working your way OUT of infidelity.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:22 PM, Thursday, April 10th]