SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The only legal advice offered was that these things are complicated and you need a lawyer to sort them. The rest is my own anecdotal experience, a bitch about my lawyer, and observation that an estate attorney is the wrong specialty for anything that might brush up against divorce. They have no idea how to construct something that will have to be defended in family court by another lawyer.

No barb at you intended Onceasailor. In fact – I offer some quasi-legal advice myself and my comment about taking it all with a grain of salt definitely applies to any quasi-legal advice I give.
My main concern in this situation is that MNBS might be basing his expectations on AI. AI only evaluates what we feed it, whereas an attorney might ask the relevant questions that make the difference between clause 12, paragraph 43, chapter 23… being applicable or not.

Yeah, all that is factual. I use AI as a launch pad but I'm not signing a legal document generated by Copilot.

When I've needed a lawyer, they have been worth their weight in gold. We tend to denigrate the profession, rightfully so, they are a pain in the ass but, they are also a very good shield when you are under attack. I currently have two on retainer and one in reserve, waiting out a moratorium to have a record expunged and about to hire two more. Which begs the question: WTH?

But I have gotten a fairly grounded education in property law, titles and dissolution procedures, particularly in community property states. I've been a trustee for two trusts, one in CA and one in Idaho, assisted my wife on one in CA and am the successor trustee for one in AZ with the Settlors still living but one in dementia care and the other spending money like he prints it in the basement, and one more in ID. That's been three house flips with two to go. Lawyers, accountants, governments, contractors, realtors, etc., on all. I like the ones working for me a lot better than the ones on the other side.

So tonight we meet with this new EFT MC for the 2nd time. She's not a fresh out of college type, but a mid life career transition so I feel better about her having some life experiences at least. First was last monday together, then she met with us each the following night an hour individually. I told her how much my wife going back to the gym everyday was a big shitty trigger for me. In fact, lately she has been asking me the night before if it's 'okay' if she goes the next morning. I say- to me it's not ok, it hurts, but I can't make you do anything, I can only control me. So, then she goes...every f'ing day besides sunday. To where it started, to where a life she lives I don't know, with people she's with that may or may not know or could have even helped her with her infidelity- idk. So I have a couple things to say tonight IF, I get the chance. The new MC is pretty fresh and is by the books on her questions and not much time to talk so far. I get it, and I appreciate her ability to keep things on task as well. What I have so far for tonight-

"I love my wife, and I don't want to divorce. But I am hurting because she continues to go to the gym 6 mornings a week where the affair started, numbers were exchanged, and went from there to sexual texting and to eventually meeting for sex and then back to texting for another 1.5 years (if that's even true). I don't know how to feel safe when she chooses that over my healing 6 mornings a week".

In my reading and research this is defined as pseudo-compliance. Where she wants to take credit for asking, but is completely unwilling accept the answer, and not willing to do anything to make me feel more safe, or get rid of the physical space that her A started and grew in. Just to be clear to you- I have asked her to start working out together as a marriage building activity to spend more time together whether at home (we have the space for a home gym and the kids would also use it, and the $ to buy used equipment) or at a local gym ourselves before work (much cheaper gym than hers) and she claims she just CAN'T work out in the evening for whatever bullshit reasons.... None of my ideas seem to have been considered because they were instantly shot down 2 months ago.

I try my best to come up with solutions to problems we have. Not excuses not to try them."

Next time she asks say no then leave. She can accept the answer or not. It’s not your problem. She asked why don’t you give her the honest answer? Read Bigger’s thing about eating a sandwich. Just tell her that yes, you have a problem with her going. Just leave that out there and don’t go into details.

Assuming you live in a place you can record your individual therapist will likely want to hear the story exchange.

Apparently it only took the threat of me going to her gym and paying for a membership myself and joining the fun. I mentioned this in our MC tonight after I asked the MC if she thought it was a good idea if she continued to go there (and she side stepped that and said we'd talk about it next week). My wife mentioned how she had already paid for the rest of the year. Hours later I said I'd pay her last 2 months if that was really her reason for staying but also said I doubt it was. Then she said she'd go tomorrow morning to her gym, and then go look at the other normal non CF gym by our house that I said I'd work out at with her. So, we'll go check out that place tomorrow night and go from there.

I’m going to put in my two cents just to say I understand why someone would say "they can’t work out in the evening".

Like your wife I prefer the early morning sessions. I have more energy and mental focus in the early morning. Better work out.

However if my marriage was on the line AND my H repeatedly told me going to a particular place hurt him and caused pain, it would be a no brainer.

I’d be finding a new gym immediately

Apparently it only took the threat of me going to her gym and paying for a membership myself and joining the fun.

Well that’s a pretty bad sign. She doesn’t want you to go there?

Maybe I’m just hyper-suspicious, but she’s gonna go there this morning one last time and then quit? Feels suspect to me.

Not really liking your MC side-stepping real and legitimate concerns you have either. This is a big deal and it sounds like you're being back burnered, which is why we generally don't suggest marriage counseling so soon after discovering infidelity. A lot of them just don't seem to get it. Right now the most egregious wound in your marriage is the infidelity. If I were told "we'll discuss it next week" I'd be firing that counselor.

Yeah, the reply from the MC really pissed me off. Especially since at the end of our first session I said that the gym topic was on the top of my list to address this week. Then I had to bring it up, it wasn't really addressed.

The gym has fast become a placeholder or token for the affair…
I mentioned previously how I found it strange how the owner could tell you the OM had quit in order not to cause a scene. It indicates IMHO that the owner, and possibly the whole gym community, was more aware and possibly more enabling of the affair than is given.

I totally understand your need that she quits going there, but more importantly IMHO is you need her to agree to stop being in infidelity. I don’t know if OM really quit the gym, if he’s sneaking in to do his cross-fit or whatever, if they are hooking up or not. In fact – with d-day and all – it’s highly doubtful that IF they are still in touch the gym would be the preferred place. But I understand that for YOU the gym is a big big trigger.

Frankly – If you want to find a firm resolution on the gym issue I wouldn’t press her to quit. Why don’t you simply go there and join her class? Don’t threaten it, don’t take the same ride. Just appear and sign in. The reaction of the owner and your WW reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

MC is there to fix the marriage. Not all MC address issues such as infidelity and other things that go hand-in-hand with cheating.

The fact that now it’s such an issue after you told her you were joining her gym puts up the biggest flashing lights and sirens for me. Do not let this just pass! Like has been alluded to, there’s more going on here.

She doesn’t think you are serious. Why else would she still go the next morning. Good job forcing movement here but I presume you’re taking her remaining there as a non-answer.

See for yourself. If you don’t mention it then the presumption is she’ll hope that you forgot. As it stands she is not a reconciliation candidate and it’s necessary for you to understand your rights with a lawyer.

For reconciliation to occur she needs to be driving the process of becoming an adult who understands that they are broken and need to be repaired. As it stands she can best be described as a scolded child.