SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TrashPanda7, there are plenty of ways to find their address on the all-knowing and all-powerful internet. I did this 10 years ago, during the internet's "bronze age."

I sent the letter by register mail, which costs a few bucks, because she would have to go to the post office and present her ID to receive the letter. There was no possible way the OM could intercept it.

Fakebook and crapogram are not valid mediums for this type of information.

(yes, I hate social media)

Yea, not saying I agree with the therapist or will follow her full advice, just sharing what was said.

Part of what had been bugging me is wondering if there is contact I don't know about. By telling her, I would effectively eliminate one of the only ways I might get that answer.

I definitely found the address and found a few numbers related to them but I don't know that they are hers. Can you make a letter to where only she can pick it up? We have relatively small towns around here and family picks up each other's packages regularly when they go to town if it couldn't be delivered.

That’s why this way is essential. You know that your wife has no problem lying to you, you’d like to think that she’s changed but you’re not an idiot. Trust, but verify.

Yeah, you can send a Registered Mail with Restricted Delivery. It requires ID and signature. Just throw a letter with your phone number, email and a brief note saying exactly what happened. Include any printouts and other proof that would make any reasonable person believe it. Just ask that she texts or calls so you are 100% that it’s been received. You need that piece of mind so that this entire process can serve its purpose.

As a friend, I would push back on not disclosing asap. Christmas is a great time but it’ll always be poisoned if you let it have that power over you. You’re a decision, driven guy. Doing things that you’d rather not do is an important step in getting your agency over your life back. No holiday is more important than that. It’s not your job to worry about the other family, your wife and her lover sure as shit didn’t take that into consideration.

Related question: My wife's AP's wife DOES know about the A, and I had spoken to her during the days after D-Day 1 and 2. I did not reveal to her the depth of the A, specifically the physical aspects. She eventually was instrumental in discovering texts that had continued a year after she and AP moved out of state. We have not spoken since. AP tried all along to convince his wife that it had all been inappropriate texting. Do I have a responsibility to now let her know it was physical, and the length of time involved? Is there any point?

Yes there is a point. Her husband is still lying and she does not know her reality. Please give her a chance at real agency and give him a chance to truly be confronted and possibly be broken so he become legitimately remorseful.

Please let her know the truth.

Do I have a responsibility to now let her know it was physical, and the length of time involved? Is there any point?

Flip the roles and ask yourself this: would you have far preferred *someone else* make the decision for you whether you ever knew the truth about your marriage?

Dang I hope not…..

Do I have a responsibility to now let her know it was physical, and the length of time involved? Is there any point?

Yes, in addition to the points above there’s a good chance that your WW has not been his only affair partner over the course of their marriage. She needs to get tested for STD’s.

I'm not sure it isn't as much responsibility as it would more be courtesy. Unless the 2 of you made an agreement to inform each other of any new information, I don't believe the responsibility is the same.

That aside, me personally, if I had information that I believe she did not, I would definitely let her know. Unless she made the specific request not to contact her again, I would err on the side of wanting to make sure she had her agency. I might even reach out to her informing that I have what I believe is new information, and if she would or would not want that from me. That way, depending on how far along she is on her journey, I don't necessarily have to turn her world upside down again if she doesn't wish to do so.

I'm not sure it isn't as much responsibility as it would more be courtesy. Unless the 2 of you made an agreement to inform each other of any new information, I don't believe the responsibility is the same.

Not exactly. She was, of course, very upset about the last discovery (she had been part of the first one, too). After everything was discovered on my end, with her help on the timeline, she expressed that she didn't want to hear from any of us again. Not angry at me, per se, but I believe she doesn't want to know what she doesn't already know. I think she knows this is a pattern with her husband and has happened before. The only thing I would be telling her was that it was a full blown physical affair. Remember, we were friends with this family. I know the woman. And I think she would choose not to know. But I know I would want to know myself. Just a tough decision to make.

One reason to contact her is the information you have is quite significant. Not to play down the significance of a EA, the fact that it was also a PA is a significant additional factor. There is also the fact that her husband is continuing to lie to her about this. If she is staying with him there is a strong likelihood that she thinks he is remorseful and trying to reconcile. But this is a lie. There are thing I would not want to be contacted about. Things like they spoke on the phone 7 times not 6; things not likely to affect my decision process or further undermine my trust. But the fact that it was not just an EA, but also a PA AND the fact that my spouse was continuing lying about it do not fall into that category. It would be painful to find out, but I most certainly would want to know.

Out of curiosity why have you withheld this information to this point? Did you know about the PA before your last discussion with her? Did you find out about this recently? Why are you now thinking you might need to tell her?

After everything was discovered on my end, with her help on the timeline, she expressed that she didn't want to hear from any of us again. Not angry at me, per se, but I believe she doesn't want to know what she doesn't already know.

Then personally, I think she does not want more information. That's her choice. If she wants more, she is absolutely able to do so, no matter how her WH is acting. She could demand a polygraph, she could reach out to you. She can interrogate her WH further. She has options.

She has agency. She may not have the truth(or maybe she does by now), but the information is out there for her to obtain, rather easily, if she chooses to do so. And don't get me wrong---I'm all about exposing information that someone might not have, but from what you've written, and somewhat feel, she doesn't want it.

I agree. I think if you told her what you knew at the time and she asked for no more contact then you should probably honor that. She likely knows enough that if she really wanted to dig for more, that's an option she has.