SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Did you tell your wife that you were doing it? It's an exceptional way to determine if she's remaining no contact.

Nicely done! The OBS now has agency over her own life and decisions.

Good job. I know it can feel like you just made it easier for the cheaters, but it just makes the truth come out sooner.
And the OBS probably had been waiting for the "other shoe to drop" for years. When I was in false R with my WS, that was how it felt. He never did the work and I could tell. I didn’t want that to be the truth, but it was. And my gut knew. My nervous system knew. My fight-or-flight knew.

Did you tell your wife that you were doing it? It's an exceptional way to determine if she's remaining no contact.

Nope, for this exact reason! This is where her actions speak louder than words...

Well done!

I'm sure your head is kicking your ass right now, but this is so encouraging and inspirational to read. We're all extremely proud and excited for the long strides you've taken in such a short time. Read through some stories here, not everyone is so action-focused. You are saving yourself YEARS of recovery by takling things now when they are harder, rather than waffling and letting things snowball.

Back again.

So after a seemingly good few weeks where we've been growing closer together, working on parts of our relationship which needed work etc, WS admitted to another lie. It's such a small thing that it makes me so frustrated that she didn't just tell the truth.

Where her and AP still work in the same office, she asked him shortly after DDay to not go in on certain days of the week so they could avoid contact. In an attempt of transparency and to build trust, she'll then message me when in the office to confirm if he's in or not. All has been fine until Monday when she messages to say he's not in the office then messages again later to say her boss has asked her to attend a meeting with AP as boss can't make it. She messaged to make sure I'm comfortable with it etc. confirms she'll join the meeting from a room with other colleagues. All fine. Two days later, she then admits that he was in fact in the office that day but she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to think she'd deliberately gone in to be in the office with him. I don't understand why she didn't just tell the truth. This obviously makes me think there's bigger things she's still lying about. So frustrating as if she messaged to say "he's in the office, I don't know why, but I won't speak to him or I'll come home now" then I wouldnt have cared and it would have helped build trust. Yet her default is to try and lie and cover it up?!

Anyone have experience with a WS who keeps telling these lies because they think it's the right thing to do?!

The camel has stuck its nose in the tent.

Don’t ignore or rug sweep this.

Two schools of thought.

She’s lying b/c she’s afraid of doing the wrong thing and losing the relationship with you. Then she rethinks it and realizes she needs to be transparent and completely honest. So she tells the truth a few days later.

Or she’s a mess and can’t figure out what is the better path so she lies first and then tells the truth.

Or she’s just a hot mess and doesn’t know right from wrong. And will continue to do the same crap over and over again.

Which one do you think it is?

And why hasn’t she left that job anyway? Perhaps if she did that then things could move forward for you (and her).

I don’t see how you will ever feel safe with them both at the same workplace.

I can’t explain why she’d lie about his absence and then a while later tell you he was there. Maybe it wasn’t a lie. Maybe he came in late. But maybe she was going to see him privately and then that plan got busted when boss asked her to attend a meeting. Is there an ally of the marriage who attended the meeting? Was she afraid she’d get caught so she told you he was there before you’d possibly find out?

It has only been a month since you first posted. How long since you told OBS? I would bet a lot of money that AP has contacted her about your call to his wife. Gotta wonder if the day of the meeting was the day they were going to have a talk about their futures. If this suspicious lie happened 6 months after NC, I might think it was just a slip. But this was so close to Dday that it feels more like the affair mindset never ended.

If you still think R is a realistic goal, she has proven that she needs firm boundaries, not the permeable barrier that she has orchestrated. If it were me, I’d tell her that she can be married to me or she can work with AP. Her choice. If you haven’t already, read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and learn about windows and walls.

I’m sorry you are in this hell.

NGE

She’s lying b/c she’s afraid of doing the wrong thing and losing the relationship with you. Then she rethinks it and realizes she needs to be transparent and completely honest. So she tells the truth a few days later.

I think it this. She was wearing some new trousers and I had commented how good she looked in them and made a tongue in cheek joke about hoping she wasn't wearing them for him. When she then saw him in the office she panicked and thought that if she told me that he was in the office that I'd think she'd worn the trousers on purpose. I know how ridiculous this sounds which is why it's so frustrating that she didn't just tell the truth as now my head automatically jumps to me thinking there is more behind it than she's telling me.

How long since you told OBS? I would bet a lot of money that AP has contacted her about your call to his wife.

It's been about 3 weeks I'd guess. I don't believe he's contacted her to say I'd told OBS. I think he's annoyingly respecting the NC for the sake of his marriage more than my WS has done during this.

She's not left her job as he was actively looking to leave and has just moved to a new role. It's in the same company which doesn't give me complete comfort but it's a different subsidiary and should mean no contact. She also works in a very niche role and industry which makes finding another role difficult and if we don't work out I wouldn't want our child to suffer anymore than they would anyway.

I do think R is still possible. I just need to find a way to hammer home to her that the truth is fundamental to allowing us to move on, and that it's the lies that are pushing us further apart. Any recommendations for making her see the light?

" I'd think she'd worn the trousers on purpose"

You are thinking this, and it’s not ridiculous.

You say AP has a new role. Are he and wife now physically remote? Could they meet before/after work or during lunch?

Telling the OBS was probably the right thing to do, but if she kicks AP out, he'll be after your wife harder (ha, ha) than ever.

You’ll read over and over that "hopium" is a strong drug to be avoided.

You’re in early days, here, be ever so careful.

When her words and actions don't match then she is lying about one of them.

What did she say about her continued attempts at contact? Her words "closure," really mean that she is mentally still in her A. Actions are much harder to fake than words.

So she is still lying to you about AP. Could she not be telling you so that she has an option to re-kindle? Isn't that just as probable? At this early out she keeps trying to keep the A alive in any form. Until she realizes what she is losing or finally sees AP for the scum that he is.

What consequences has she faced? Most WS never believe their BS will leave them until they are walking out the door. She won't really change until she hits rock bottom. Remorse can take years to show up. Is she in IC? She needs to figure out why she gave herself permission to hurt you and your son and still holds a candle for this lover of an AP.

I am really sorry, but I've seen this play out badly for a lot of BSs. I don't think you are getting as much of the truth as you think she is giving you. She still lies to protect herself and possibly the AP.

Really sorry. Have you had IC? Have you talked with them about co-dependecy?

She's not left her job as he was actively looking to leave and has just moved to a new role. It's in the same company which doesn't give me complete comfort but it's a different subsidiary and should mean no contact.

So, if he’s taken a new role he won’t be looking to leave anymore and will still be In proximity. Or at least able to communicate through channels you have no access to. If so, and he has already moved into this new role and they won’t be interacting, why were they JUST in a meeting together in the SAME room? Is this "closing out of some of the former duties" or is this all just a smokescreen to make you feel better?

You have repeatedly said you are "waiting to for your WW to return to the person you knew her to be all those years". What if this is all who she REALLY is? I was flabbergasted when I found out my wife was a cheater. But what surprised me more was to learn how much of a liar she is. About small stupid stuff. Her first instinct is to lie. Even when it’s absurd and easily disproven. Her affairs were many years ago but she lied to me NOW. That’s a big deal.

WS admitted to another lie. It's such a small thing that it makes me so frustrated that she didn't just tell the truth.

Lying about the AP physically being in the office is "such a small thing"? That would be a BFD for me.

She didn’t want you to think she was wearing the trousers for him and only going into the office because he was there? Mmmm, hmmmm. Had she told you ahead of time, maybe you wouldn’t. Those are some pretty specific concerns. Maybe because they are accurate?

It’s understandable you want to try to save your marriage and keep your family intact. But it also seems like you are twisting yourself in knots to not believe who her actions say she is. I can empathize. I thought I knew my wife for over 40 years. I didn’t know her at ALL. And now I wish I never did……

I truly hope you don’t end up in a similar place.

Sometimes having the wayward working with the affair partner never works towards reconciliation. Mine continued and even though she swears she never had any contact with him other than work I always had my concerns. We divorced when my youngest was 11. She said she wished we had done so earlier. Sometimes they are not able to stop seeing the affair partner as their sole mate. My WW married again and is getting divorced again. My adult daughters have little to do with her and I get to see my none biological grandchildren all the time unlike her. Divorce sucks. No way to put lip stick on this pig. Staying with someone who you may always doubt may be worse.

So lying is bad. Lying about something to do with the AP is worse.

Will she "get it"? Who knows. So far she’s not doing great.
is she telling YOU why she lied?

I know how hard this is. I became an Olympic level gymnast trying to save my 25 year marriage, but in the end it was me doing all the contortionist. He just had to hide his actions better.

Please remember that her actions are what show you the truth - words are cheap.

Please keep your eyes and your mind open. Don’t smoke too much of the hopium pipe.

Hang in there. Sending strength….

I have shared this story several times here on this site.

Some years ago I managed a team in an IT company. One of my members came to me because his wife caught him cheating with a coworker. The man asked that he did not have to interact with the OW at work, and I could comply with that request. That coworker – the OW - was/is actually a friend of mine and worked in a completely different department in another building, so avoiding each other was relatively easy.

For the next months the man avoided shared areas, the canteen, the company meetings, social events... while he and his wife struggled with the fall-out of infidelity. I know for a fact the OW respected NC completely. I know – based on what both shared with me, that the affair was totally over.

About 5-6 months later the OW quit and left the company. Took another job.

The man told me that once his wife knew the OW was no longer there things started improving.

This despite both respecting NC, and the affair being over.

The BW simply couldn’t let her guard down, even if she wanted to or tried. The worry was always there.

In many ways it didn’t make sense. The OW new job was about 3 miles down the road. They never met at the company, but went to her home about a mile from the offices (and mid-way between the old and new job...). If anything, leaving the job would have made an ongoing affair easier. But for the BW having the separation somehow enabled her to commit to reconciliation.

Maybe something like this applies to your situation. The simple fact he’s around, might be at the company Christmas party, the annual meeting, the spring-barbecue, when your wife does overtime, when she’s late from home or when a white car comparable to the one OM drives is outside the offices at seven in the evenings when your wife is working late or whatever... maybe all these potential triggers are holding back on you (and therefore your marriage) recovering.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:18 PM, Tuesday, February 25th]

Bumping back on top after a SPAM attack.