SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have several threads on these forums that go into detail about our journey.

Bottom line is, I still love her and she still loves me. We've been married for 27 years, and for 26 of those there has never been a hint of anything like this happening before. She's not a typical WW. She's not a typical person in general. I was convinced early on that she's deeply remorseful. She's been rock solid for the last year, every day, every minute.

We had issues that were partly my fault as well. While that in no way excuses infidelity, I do have some feelings of guilt for my part in the deterioration of our relationship leading up to her affair. She's given me many second chances. Now I'm giving her one. One. One second chance. There won't be a third and she knows it. I had called lawyers and set up consultations. I had real estate agents lined up to buy the house. I was on my way out the door and I meant it. She knows that and she's still making a very good case for me to stay. She's been a model for R for the entire time I've been on these forums. She hasn't slipped up, given any red flags, or backslid for almost a year now. We both want this to work.

Does that satisfy your curiosity?

Don’t let any of your days be ruined or tainted, they’re your days.

It's is wise, but it is hard.

Unless you let that person go, then you reclaim it.
On my birthday this year will be hard to accept wishes from her, since what I just found out.

No problems from others

Thanks Pogre

I guess what I struggle with (from any R story) is the idea of wanting to try again despite that level of betrayal.

Thanks Pogre

I guess what I struggle with (from any R story) is the idea of wanting to try again despite that level of betrayal.

I think is the ultimate proof of the love you truly had for your partner.

I have been betrayed by my other 2 ex girlfriends before my wife (her betrayals were all pre marriage or moving in together, but it matters nothing, it just made it all a lie, fake).

They ALWYAS come back, on their knees.
My response was always a laugh "You are dead to me, like you never existed. Save me the stink of even remember you still breathe. I deleted you from my memories, spare me your miserable voice or presence because you count for less than zero. Now fuck off"

And that broke them. And that was just. I would say it was pleasing, but frankly, I would not give a shit if I were to see their rotting corpse in front of me. That's what betrayal does to a person for me.

And yet, with this one I could not.
I guess what she has killed by cheating was really something too important for me to not give her another chance.

At the same time, she does not deserve another chance. Nobody does.
This is the BS cognitive dissonance.

It is love, wounded and dying, but it must have been true.
Hopefully you get what it means.

Thanks Pogre

I guess what I struggle with (from any R story) is the idea of wanting to try again despite that level of betrayal.

I was a party animal. I'd been with many women before I met my wife. Only one other LTR, and that ended badly. My wife was different. She's not a partier. I could count the number of times she's drank on one hand and have fingers left over. I, on the other hand was a chronic alcoholic for most of my life. A very functional one. I didn't change drastically when I drank. Held a good job with a lot of responsibilities and always managed to pull it off. I never got mean or abusive, but boy did I drink a lot. I spent many a day sick with hangovers while my wife put up with it. I also have one DUI under my belt, from about 20 years ago. She was a virgin when we met. She couldn't be further from the type of girl I was used to being with. We fell in love swiftly and deeply.

I quit drinking about 10 or 12 years ago. I didn't make a big deal out of it or announce it to anyone. Didn't mark it on a calendar or count days. I just decided one day to quit, so I did. With no help, no AA, no programs. Just up and quit. That may have been a mistake. While I didn't struggle with the addiction part of it, my nervous system rebelled. I think my brain was so used to soaking in alcohol that removing it drove me crazy. I got depressed, had severe anxiety, and lost over 30 lbs. That doesn't sound too bad, and I know some folks who would welcome the weight loss, but I'm 6' tall and weighed 160 lbs. Dropping to 128 on my frame was pretty gnarly.

I ended up being prescribed sertraline, an SSRI. I didn't realize it at the time, and while it helped with my severe anxiety, it sucked all of the joy out of my life. I became very emotionally flat and stopped enjoying everything. Including music, and I'm an audiophile with a very nice sound system. I get goosebumps when I listen to music I love. That went away. Almost everything I enjoyed just... went away. Including sex. My libido was zero, I had anorgasmia, and that went on for a few years. That translated into "my husband doesn't want me anymore." She also gained a lot of weight during this time.

I eventually put 2 and 2 together, weaned myself off of the sertraline and slowly started coming back, but some of those side effects lingered for a couple of years. I've since looked into it, and it's actually a thing. It's called PSSD. Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction, and it can indeed linger for years. The way SSRIs work, you have a lot more serotonin in your system, but it can suppress your dopamine levels. A chemical crucial to your ability to love, bond with others, and enjoy the little things in life. It's an important part of your reward system. During this time my wife went through menopause. I had withdrawn, we grew apart, and our marriage was a mess. We were no longer as close as we used to be. Much of it was my fault. She stuck it out with me when many would have given up.

She then started taking keppra and was told she couldn't drive anymore. We started fighting. A lot. Mostly over driving, but pretty much anything else would set her off, too. Lust and infidelity aren't side effects of Keppra, but anger, psychosis, personality changes, and altered decision making are. It got ugly for a while. It was during that time that Mr wonderful came into the picture, with unrealistic levels of empathy, understanding, and compliments. He also has epilepsy, so he "got it." He still drove. He leveraged that and her anger to his advantage.

I know none of the circumstances I described excuse infidelity. Nothing does, but she did stick it out with me for years when I had completely checked out of the marriage. I set the stage that made her vulnerable to an affair. It's on her for allowing someone else to act on that vulnerability, but she's done counseling to get to the bottom of it.

I'm pretty convinced her affair was a cry for attention and fueled by anger and a desire to "get me back." She never lost feelings for me, tho. At least not the core feelings. The physical affair lasted for 2 weeks with 3 trysts. There's a twist, tho... he has ED. Brought on by an operation, chemo and radiation treatments he received when he had prostate cancer, which also caused his epilepsy. I've confirmed that by reading her messages with friends. I got hold of her passcode and saw it all. She hadn't deleted anything (except for the messages with AP, who set it up for auto delete after 24 hours). That doesn't mean they didn't get up to other intimate acts that would piss off any husband, but there was never any actual PIV sex between them.

I've mostly returned back to myself. My libido is back, and it turns out hers is actually enhanced by menopause. After a very long dry spell, intimacy has come roaring back to our marriage. We're at it daily now. Every day for the last year. Sometimes twice a day, and it turns out one of the lingering side effects from the SSRI is almost a super power now, the anorgasmia. That's lessened, but it still affects me, and in a more positive way now. We're both thrilled to have that back. We're on one hell of a streak right now. It's really all she's wanted - to have her husband back. She just went about it in about as terrible a way as she could have.

She's also back to herself. When she finished titrating, her body and nervous system adjusted to the med and the "kepp-rage" just melted away. She's also lost a lot through diet and exercise, and is flirting with her pre pregnancy weight. I've gained weight. Not quite all of it yet, but I'm packing on some healthy pounds. We've reconnected both physically and emotionally and discovered we're still both very much into each other, and still very much in love. If it weren't for the infidelity, our marriage is the best it's been in several years.

Phew, that was a lot. It's hard to condense so much into one post, but when I started typing it just kinda poured out. If you made it through all that, thanks for reading it. It felt good just to type all that out.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:37 PM, Wednesday, March 11th]

Phew, that was a lot. It's hard to condense so much into one post, but when I started typing it just kinda poured out. If you made it through all that, thanks for reading it. It felt good just to type all that out.

With some practice you will catch up with my posts length

BackfromtheStorm wrote:

With some practice you will catch up with my posts length

Ha ha! I actually thought of you when I finished that!

Pogre,
I just wanted to share something with you because I see you mention the keppra a lot, so here goes…….I have a brain disease from a TBI and usually two meds are alternated to keep efficiency, I take Diamox and it was time to alternate on to Topiramate. For around a year I took this drug, I was completely unaware that it was this drug that was making me see things, terrified, I couldn’t tell anyone what I was experiencing because I was too scared they’d take my children from me and lock me up, I finally got the courage to tell my neurologist that I wasn’t mentally well, I was seeing things. He told me to stop the Topiramate right away and a couple of weeks later I was back to myself. I’m not sure if I would have been susceptible to an A with that drug but I do know I wasn’t very well, I do know how horrendous some medications can be because I’ve experienced it myself, I understand how they can play a part in people’s lives, I do understand the pain you must feel, damn I’d feel it too, it’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry Pogre.

I’m not sure if I would have been susceptible to an A with that drug but I do know I wasn’t very well, I do know how horrendous some medications can be because I’ve experienced it myself

It is definitively a contributing factor, even if not only ascribable to it, but do think simply: alcohol and drugs contribute to occasional betrayals, those of one night stand, altered mind is affected.

If a drug has prolonged effects, it does affect choices (in part) because it does affect brain chemistry, so something you would not do or "resist" normally, in some cases might pass due to the medication.

When choice is impaired, you might do stuff you regret later. I definitively had some situation when I was teenager, got with girls that I would never consider if I wasn't drinking or other things. The day after regret thing...

And you may be horrified after.

Is not out of this world, because reformed Wayward prove that they are horrified at what they have done, and the brain chemistry (psychologically induced then) played a significant role in their choice to betray the partner.

So yes, I believe it plays a part.

Bruce123,

Pogre,
I just wanted to share something with you because I see you mention the keppra a lot, so here goes…….I have a brain disease from a TBI and usually two meds are alternated to keep efficiency, I take Diamox and it was time to alternate on to Topiramate. For around a year I took this drug, I was completely unaware that it was this drug that was making me see things, terrified, I couldn’t tell anyone what I was experiencing because I was too scared they’d take my children from me and lock me up, I finally got the courage to tell my neurologist that I wasn’t mentally well, I was seeing things. He told me to stop the Topiramate right away and a couple of weeks later I was back to myself. I’m not sure if I would have been susceptible to an A with that drug but I do know I wasn’t very well, I do know how horrendous some medications can be because I’ve experienced it myself, I understand how they can play a part in people’s lives, I do understand the pain you must feel, damn I’d feel it too, it’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry Pogre.

That's pretty awful. I'm glad you got that sorted. That's the weird thing about some drugs like that. You either don't realize it's happening or don't make the connection while you're on them, but it's so obvious when you get back off. I had a similar experience with sertraline. It really messed me up, but I didn't make the connection for a long time. I thought I was just going througn "normal" changes that come with getting older. I'm still dealing with some milder lingering side effects a few years after stopping.

My wife's epilepsy was caused also from a TBI. It also gave her some cognitive impairments. She's not handicapped or profoundly impaired, but she's definitely wired a little bit differently. She's on 2 medications for seizures, but keppra is the one with a reputation for really screwing people up.

What even put it on my radar was me joining some epilepsy groups on Facebook. You can't throw a stick without hitting a post talking about how keppra has screwed up people's lives. Folks losing friends, family, and even marriages while taking it and going through drastic personality changes. Saying and doing things they'd never normally do. Most of the time it expresses in increased anger, aggression, and decision making that's completely out of character.

Maybe I'm grasping at straws, but I even made an anonymous post asking the group if it could possibly influence someone to commit infidelity, "asking for a friend" (yeah, right, lol). The overwhelming response was "yes." Out of about 30 replies there were 2 who said they don't think it would, but everyone else said "yes," or "1000%." One lady told me a horror story of verbal and emotional abuse toward her very young children and a 3 day stay in a psych ward until it was out of her system. Her husband and family were shocked because it was so out of character for her. A husband who became abusive and his wife left him. One woman got paranoid, thought the government (and everyone else) was out to get her, and started plotting her husband's murder!

Many get over it and their personalities level back out after titrating. It seems when first being put on it, then the gradual dosage increase over time is when most go through their "kepp-rage" stage. When my wife did what she did it was within the first couple of months after being put on it. She titrated for several weeks. She did change. She really changed. She was almost unrecognizable, and it started before Mr wonderful made his move.

Do I think it "caused" her to have an affair? I kind of doubt it. Otoh, I question strongly if she'd have done it if not for that drug. It influenced her decision making. She did know it was wrong. She made a weak, sloppy attempt to hide it, but then it was almost like she was daring me to find out. I knew 2 weeks in something was way off. She didn't cover her tracks very well, and hadn't deleted any communications with a couple of (ex) friends about it. In the entirety of our marriage I'd never snooped through her devices or looked at her messages until I was backed into a corner, but I knew her passcode because I've seen her type it in a million times. Plus it's a familiar number thats easy for her (and me) to remember. She didn't expect me to go there.

If she hadn't adjusted we would have demanded that she be taken off of it and try something else, but in 20 years keppra seems to be doing the best job of controlling her seizures. She's only had 2 in the last year and a half. That's an improvement over the 3 or 4 a year she was having.

She's back to her old self now and horrified at the wake of destruction left behind her. No more anger or aggression (except toward AP now. She wished death by seizure on him - a very drastic thing fo her to say), and she's back to her sweet lovable self again.

Bruce, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. Your story is in line with the dozens I've read about how these types of drugs can screw a person up. I'm not letting my wife off the hook for her awful decisions, but I am considering it a factor. There were several circumstances that converged at once. She was hurt. She was vulnerable. She didn't talk to me about her feelings. But I do think keppra was a mitigating factor. I know everyone says "it was so out of character for my spouse to do this," but it really was out of character for my wife. She changed in more ways than one, and her relationships across the board were very strained during that time. Not just with me.

Triggers are amazing to me...they can come from any random direction - and, following the thought thread that led from the event to the trigger is stunning. I'm impressed that your spouse took it upon herself to get rid of clothing and other artifacts....shows she's doing the work to reconcile!
I wonder if I will be free of triggers at some date in the future?

ps...do not take on the responsibility for "causing" your spouse to have an affair!!!

Seemoreclearly posted at 1:19 PM on Wednesday, March 11th, 2026

ps...do not take on the responsibility for "causing" your spouse to have an affair!!!

I really appreciate you looking out for me there, thanks, but I don't, and she doesn't lay any blame at my feet either. Well, she did at first, but we straightened that out pretty early on.

I can't help but feel some guilt for my part in the deterioration of our relationship tho, and I have to acknowledge that to do my part to fix it, which I've been doing. I've learned to separate that from the affair tho, and refused to take any responsibility for her shitty decisions. She owns it now, and has for quite a while.

Seemoreclearly posted at 1:16 PM on Wednesday, March 11th, 2026

Triggers are amazing to me...they can come from any random direction - and, following the thought thread that led from the event to the trigger is stunning. I'm impressed that your spouse took it upon herself to get rid of clothing and other artifacts....shows she's doing the work to reconcile!
I wonder if I will be free of triggers at some date in the future?

They sure can, and yes it's fascinating, and awful, how the mind works like that.

When she snapped out of it, she really was horrified. And ashamed. And guilty. Which led to remorse in a relatively short time frame. She took a chapter or 2 from the cheater's handbook, but was never really a student and skipped right past some of the more unsavory words, actions and behaviors I've read so much about here. She wants absolutely nothing to do with POSOM anymore. It was pretty easy for her to kick him to the curb after some initial feet dragging early on. I might get some push back for saying this, but she doesn't seem to me to have the typical wayward mentality. She dropped that very early on and has been laser focused on making me her top priority. To the point that if I were a real asshole I could take advantage of it, but I don't. I have enough awareness and love her enough to not want to go there. I had some shit to fix, too.

I don't know if anyone ever becomes truly free from triggers, but they do come fewer and farther between with time. Especially as you work through them.

I don't know if anyone ever becomes truly free from triggers, but they do come fewer and farther between with time. Especially as you work through them.

You can, but the price to pay for it is to erase your Wayward Wife / Husband from your life.

If we chose Reconciliation we accepted that that is the mortgage that will be lasting for the rest of the life.

The details of your actions after having discovered her affair clearly show that you regained the initiative and your agency, did not rug sweep and are working toward self-healing. All of these actions you've described are admirable and provide a model for others.

I do agree that your wife in many ways has had the ideal response, once confronted, to build up a platform for reconciliation. A lot of that response no doubt comes from her as a person, the specifics of this situation and her love for you. I also want to stress the connection between your actions and her response because the actions you took pull someone out of the dopamine fantasy faster, if it is at all possible that a person will come out of it.

Many people who offer reconciliation to their Wayward spouse sometimes feel they have to defend that decision. As long as we are not being a doormat, offering reconciliation takes a huge amount of strength and character. I think it should be something to be proud of despite sometimes having doubts and dealing with the internal and some external voice that might be questioning the decision. I reconciled with my then gf and it was a great decision in retrospect. It was a double betrayal and I have never reconciled with the other person, I am not sure now many years later if that is a flaw of mine but water under the bridge at this point and although I look back upon it I haven't found any energy to repair that relationship.

There are some people here who have reconciled after betrayals that are in order of magnitude worse than what I had. Sometimes I shake my head and wonder at their ability to do it after such a deep betrayal. I do think many many people should not pursue reconciliation but for those that do Under very difficult circumstances they have my admiration.

** Member to Member **

You can, but the price to pay for it is to erase your Wayward Wife / Husband from your life.
If we chose Reconciliation we accepted that that is the mortgage that will be lasting for the rest of the life.

Human beings trigger; it's part of being human. For most of us, though, it's eminently possible to de-fang triggers associated with being betrayed. I believe that triggers are pain that has come to the surface, from which it can be released, never to return. Followers of Eric Berne, Fritz Perls, Alexander Bowen, Buddhism, and many others write about the process.

I know the resolution of the relationship seems paramount on d-day, and that's supported in much of the advice to BSes in popular literature. My reading of SI, however, is that the BSes who are happy are those who recovered and either D'ed or truly committed to creating a relationship they wanted with their fWSes. The BSes who do best get out of infidelity into lives that they make into good lives, irrespective of what they do with their relationships.