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Ladybugmaam, I am not an OW but I recently rewatched Sex and the City and season 3 might be informational to you in this instance.
The main character, Carrie, has an A with her married ex. After they get caught by his wife and end the A, she tries desperately to "apologize" to the wife (in my opinion, this was a very selfish apology and was solely to appease her guilt and not to make amends. I don’t see any remorse in her actions).
I want to warn you, watching this could be triggering. The show portrays the entire affair and the fallout. It is brutal and Carrie and the WH are non-remorseful and selfish. But if you’re curious about her mindset, it could provide an insight into the mind of someone who doesn’t see things very clearly and someone who lacks integrity.
Best wishes on your healing

As another fWW, I think Pippin is spot on.

I am a former OW, and I must say I have no idea of why anyone who was an OW would want to try to be close to their former AP or indeed the wife of the former AP. My situation was different than what is described here. I wasn't friends with my AP and his wife. We worked together and the affair started there and lasted 4 years. After I disclosed the affair to his wife 10 years ago, I haven't had the slightest wish to see him again. I don't wish him ill at all - he is just a non entity to me today. But all affairs are different and all OWs are different. SO I might not be the right person to answer.

Not an OW here, but did spend some time thinking about each of my OW and trying to understand them.

It sounds like both you and your H have a kind of glamour and attraction for her, both objects of desire, she certainly seems spellbound. You perhaps less as traditional OW competition fodder but perhaps because she wants to be you and have your life. Is drawn like a moth to a flame. Maybe your FWS was always an adjunct to this central desire. I believe this to be true of one of my OW. But it may also be low level bunny boiling (apologies to FOW on this thread for the reference), you as existential impediment to her becoming you. I wonder if giving her the card of a good therapy agency and wishing her well is in any way useful? I found the killing (the fantasy) with kindness way helpful. For me and them,

[This message edited by Edie at 2:17 PM, Saturday, March 7th]

The show portrays the entire affair and the fallout. It is brutal and Carrie and the WH are non-remorseful and selfish.

It's actually portrayed positively as a good love story.

Though I liked the serial, the entire way the group behaved was the example of how toxic relationships are. It was good as a negative example to avoid, though the characters were likeable the choices were so messed up that I thought that was the message of the serial.

Apparently I was wrong.

Edie....I don't want to get close enough to give her a card for therapy. Not my monkeys there. I wish her well....from afar....actually....I just wish her nothing. To my knowledge, from OBS, she never took any accountability. (Though, I have no way of knowing and don't want to be close enough to know) Other than, I just need her to stay in the random stranger lane that I've worked my ASS off to try to achieve in my brain. And, you're spot....I seriously felt like she wanted to be me....and did what she could to achieve that. In a weird way, it reminds me of the good things that I have....that sometimes, being human, I don't see in the moment.

And to all those referencing Carrie in SITC....ugh. As a character, she wasn't my favorite. She was a terrible friend...she used her friend's troubles for her column, shamed Samantha, dismissed Charlotte (I'm more of a Charlotte) and was a shit to Miranda. She always wanted support, but didn't seem to reciprocate it as much. She seemed whiny and I hated how she acted with the BW. I do like how Natasha responded.....even more so in the marginally entertaining And Just Like That. I hope I can respond in the same classy way, if it comes to that. But, that is fiction....

The spinoff of "Roseanne," "The Conners" isn't a great show for this crowd either. Darlene gets involved in a love triangle when the father of her children (David, from the original show) returns and her current boyfriend. She's clearly sneaking around, lying, and sleeping with both of them. Then of course hilarity ensues... isn't that SO funny?

I had the unfortunate experience of binge watching several episodes at a friend's house with my wife one evening. Those friends are unaware of her affair so I didn't say anything, just sucked it up and suffered through it. It was about 6 months post d day. THAT was an uncomfortable night.

Ugh…Pogre….I keep reminding myself that this is shitty, but alas, human behavior. And, that if you’re the betrayed spouse, what really matters is how you feel and what the betrayer does to make amends….if they do.