SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are about nine years out and we both think of it less and less over time. I have never tracked how long I go without thinking about it, but when it comes up, it goes right back away. And the time spent in it (other than when I come here) is very nil. It serves no purpose for me anymore. I still work on myself, but not because of the affair, but because of the self awareness that I have gained since. My husband says he doesn’t really think about it anymore either. It crosses his mind and he says "I sort of just bat it away" but he is a big proponent of stoicism and "the obstacle is the way"

But I think your thoughts serve a purpose and so your brain isn’t going to let you forget. The purpose it’s trying to find a way for you to alleviate or reconcile the cognitive dissonance.

You are seemingly comfortable in your stance that you have taken within your marriage, logically at least. But the state of your marriage is going to be a constant reminder of why things are the way they are. You have lost respect for him. So your brain is always going to be trying to reconcile the good life/good man marriage with the part of you that feels utterly alone and dissatisfied with his progress. There are great burdens in this marriage, and also still great benefits.

To me it sounds like you have found peace by focusing on the desirable benefits. But it’s not going to alleviate the feelings surrounding being married to someone you can’t feel emotionally safe with or fully respect. (You do respect some of his attributes)

I think for those of us that are happily reconciled the cognitive dissonance of staying married is not as strong over time or completely relieved. But for those members who have a ws who has not done the work, or as a couple have not deeply discussed many aspects they should have and have stuffed their feelings, or maybe even has a value system that may be more suited for divorce (not saying all must apply to you specifically or even insinuating that they do - I am being general because there are many here who share this issue) then that cognitive dissonance is going to be stronger and your brain is going to keep flagging it. Our brain deals better with simplicity. And think for the happily reconciled crowd, it’s easier to alleviate it because the marital satisfaction is great enough to overcome the CD.

But that’s my theory - the duality you live under. "This life is good enough, we are privileged , my husband is a good man, I don’t have to work or do anything I don’t want to do" versus "I still live with someone who still actively betrays me (even if it’s on a much lower level than infidelity- maybe even at a level that would have been acceptable without the infidelity) and I can’t fully trust him" and you remain in a marriage in self protection mode. And both of you feed off of the other’s self protection mode. It’s not likely to change until he makes this change first. He is going to have to become fully emotionally available, and even then it’s going to take time and consistency.

I think you probably came back because dealing with that over time is lonely and it feels good to be able to talk to people in real life who understand how you feel. You are carrying this as emotional labor and while you have done enough therapy and have enough logical control of the situation, there is part of you that isn’t onboard. You need that outlet, because you haven’t just come back you have been making posts.

The progress you made since you have been gone is evident to me though-you often speak more softly about, you have found a fair amount of marital satisfaction by focusing more on yourself (which to me is positive) and you make your personal posts in reconciliation rather than general and I don’t think that was your norm previously. That signals to me you seek feedback from a somewhat different crowd, one that may be a little more encouraging towards staying together and working it through.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:16 PM, Monday, February 2nd]

Thank you hikingout, this is a really nice post for me to read. You capture so much of what has me restless and indecisive.

BJB, it sounds like we are in very similar situations. Kind of stuck. I would move to my oldest child's house if it weren't such a dump. I don't really care for me, but I'd have to take my youngest. It's not suitable for children. Only a few more years until he's 18, so maybe then. I might also have money then to help my oldest fix up the house. But, then there's my dad. He's in a dementia assisted living place where I live now. I would be abandoning him. I'm the only person other than his grandkids that he has left. He didn't have close relationships with them so they don't visit him. Although, they probably would if they were the only ones around.

I, too, usually tell people to cut their losses if faced with infidelity. I always said I'd be gone so fast if someone cheated on me that they wouldn't know what happened. Then, life. I'd been out of work for over 11 years. My children were young. I was homeschooling them. They had never been to school or daycares or even had babysitters. I couldn't completely upend their lives like that. Plus, I was angry and decided my H owed me. I was going to use for him for everything I could, live a soft life and not care. There are other things about me that I haven't, and won't, share here that influence my decision to stay (not related to infidelity).

I periodically look for a job. I haven't found anything. It's hard when your old(er) and have been out of the serious job market for over 20 years. I don't need to make a lot. I am in a position now where I can be picky. I will only take a job that I think I would enjoy. Of course, that narrows the field quite a bit. I'm desperate, so I have that luxury.

So, I'm still here trying to make the best of a less than ideal situation. I'm ok with that for now. I can always change my mind. We are probably each other's best friends. My H doesn't have any friends that he talks to or hangs out with outside work or the gym. I have a few friends and family that I talk to and visit. I'm not interested in finding someone else. If we did D, I'd probably live the rest of my life without a partner. I don't have time for anyone else's bullshit anymore. Thank you, menopause!

Is there a part of me that thinks it would be nice if my H finally worked on his issues and became a truly safe partner? Sure. That would be awesome! I don't think it would bring back my romantic love feelings for him. His cheating was an emotional deal breaker for me.

coco - I totally agree with you. While it's best to leave, and I almost always think it is, it's not always possible or practical for many people. Some people just don't have the money to leave, to be on their own, especially in this economy, or they have health issues. I also understand people staying for the children, or for lifestyle issues - they have a way of life they don't want to abandon. There are obviously big changes in divorce and there can be a large of economic and social hardship, so leaving is best if one can do it, but not everyone can, realistically, and some people don't mind just living as friends, which it sounds like you and I do. It's not a one size fits all. I hope things work out for you and your kids, sometimes you can make it work out over time. I'm trying to save money now so I have at least the option to move, for various reasons, not just the relationship. The relationship is not bad, it's just not the romantic one that most of us would like to have. And he still has this relationship with his old girl friend on the other side of the country. As long as it stays like that, I'll ignore it. She probably is the one he should have been with years ago but it didn't work out and I don't want to strip him of everything. He can have a something like this, I've let him know I kind of know about this and he doesn't know how to respond but I don't want to fight over it. At my age it's not worth it. I just really hated it when he lied to my face about the gift she got him, and that he lied so well. I would rather he just said, oh my old friend Blah Blah got if for me. And I'd probably just say it's a nice, thoughtful gift and leave it at that. It might have opened up the door for more conversation, but I'm not really looking for that. It's when they lie to you so perfectly, it gives me the creeps. Lying undermines a relationship more than anything else, even more than the cheating, I think. So I don't trust him completely but right now, it's the best I can do. I think a lot of people are in this boat, it's a big freaking boat, LOLOLOL.

As usual, hikingout, you are very insightful. You are absolutely correct that I struggle with my decision to stay. It goes against my natural response. And, yes, I am lonely. I don't have anyone to talk to about this other than the therapists. We moved so many times since my H cheated that I wasn't able to establish in-person friends for support.

I doubt he will ever be fully emotionally available. I don't think he has enough time left on this planet to get there.

It's funny that you mention me posting here rather than in General. I have been thinking about making a post summing up where we are right now and have been wondering if I should be posting in General rather than here. I guess, in a sense, we are reconciled. I think we are as reconciled as we're ever going to be. This is as good as it gets.

He says he's OK with that. I'm not. I'd rather be alone and not have to deal with his bullshit anymore, even if it has lessened.

I'd rather be alone and not have to deal with his bullshit anymore, even if it has lessened.

So then why not separate or divorce? It’s not too late to change your mind.

I’m sorry you are unhappy.