SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have no idea where the guy is. I did make a few calls to the company (I was on the other side of the country by the time I found out) and he was outed shortly after it happened, and was fired. But that's all secondhand from my W. Who the hell knows at this point, I don't really care. He was certainly the focus of my early anger, but when the W says she wanted to, she deserved the blame.

We had the talks back then, but I had to leave again, and just couldn't process it so quickly. And there it stayed for over a decade. I remember (now) going from suicidal (which is easy on a deployment) to numb to simply forgetting. I would get angry & sad and repeat to myself over and over that it never happened. Seems like a bad idea in retrospect, but it very likely saved my life back then.

FWW has had no contact I am aware of since way back then, and I have no reason to suspect otherwise. There were some questionable boundary choices, but I say that only from the perspective of that history, and my emotional throwback doesn't help. She's been faithful since. which is why I feel like this is work I have to somehow do on my own.

I hate December - everything about this month just drags me back in.

titanfour

Be it known to you - your pain decades later is NOT uncommon. Read some of the stuff in "I can Relate" forum

You wrote:

I go through this over and over. I'm not even sure why I am writing this. I am a bit drunk right now. Maybe I am just reaching out for support, IDK. I feel like a first-prize chump: my wife says she has been cheating, that she wanted to, but wanted to come back (because she had nowhere else to go), and I just folded and say yes. Later, as I try to actually process, the story changes, and I am not a victim, I can't seek treatment, and this really is in the past.

Now it seems like she hates me for it. Like I am responsible. The whole historical thing keeps being mitigated, and I feel like the same chump year after year. I think at this point it is all fiction. I get more and more deeply depressed.

I hate Christmastime. I hate my anniversary. I hate myself. I hate a lot of things now.

There a person who has posted here, a lot I remember, who has/had the tagline:

If she cheats on me, I am a victim. If she cheats on me intentionally, I am the intended victim.

You have to figure out for yourself how to live with the pain. Perhaps some kind of therapy? Look EMDR

Your wife?

What you write appears to me that is should be interpreted that she has no remorse. Follow-up to that - she has little respect for you and possibly not much love either.

Reasons to leave, yes. Reasons to stay? Your Call.

BTDT - suggestion - when you have some ethanol, resolve to yourself that you find other stuff to churn over in your mind.

BTDT#2 - My cheating wife did the same thing - many decades ago.

You are not alone on this planet with the feelings you have. Don't beat yourself up over the past choices you have made.

Suggestion - get a book: (no soliciting) might help

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:47 PM, Wednesday, December 28th]

FWW has had no contact I am aware of since way back then, and I have no reason to suspect otherwise. There were some questionable boundary choices, but I say that only from the perspective of that history, and my emotional throwback doesn't help. She's been faithful since.

This is barely a bare minimum in any committed relationship. We don't cheat on our partners.

which is why I feel like this is work I have to somehow do on my own.

Yes and No. Yes in the fact that you have work to do on yourself.....mainly being why you are mentally unable to process this trauma. You successfully(?) kicked the can down the road, and here you are. But are you any better for it? Do you feel that you can handle it better today than years ago?

No to the fact that you can heal your marriage. 'Long Time Not Cheating' does NOT equal 'Remorseful Partner'. She has shown zero interest in helping heal your pain. As a matter of fact, she doubles down, and makes herself the victim. How on earth are you going to do work on yourself to resolve those issues?

I think Justsomeguy gave you some great introspect. Before he left, he had to eventually come up to the decision that if his partner isn't going to step up and own her own issues, the marriage will never get to a place that is satisfactory.....yet alone enjoyable. I think that you really need to take the entire weight off of your shoulders, and put the proper amount of weight on your partner's. It's not constructive carrying the burden alone. It is the exact opposite---it is obstructive.