SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You can read my earlier post on my profile!

My WH and I have been living separately still. I asked for the space because I wanted a place to feel peaceful and not walk on eggshells around him.

We still touch base every day, and he’s willingly showing me his phone. He hasn’t spoken to the OW. However, it’s still gut wrenching.

He still says he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to be romantically interested in me again. There’s too much guilt and shame. And honestly, I know i’m worth more than someone who has lied, cheated and gaslit me into believing his lies over the last year.

Now he says the "kindest thing he could do is let me go and start to heal." I told him I don’t view it as a kindness, that ship sailed in January when he didn’t tell me the truth of how he was feeling. I view it as his inability to fix what he broke based on emotional immaturity and lack of capacity. Because of this, I believe him when he says our relationship is over…but let’s not pretend this is some generosity to me.

We have another couples therapy session on Friday, but honestly i’m so tired and feel like it’s hurting me more to sit there and listen to him talk about how much he’s unsure of me. To me, he has shit to figure out (as do I), and i’m not sure it’s helping us to do it together right now.

I have consulted with two lawyers and a divorce mediator. I’m prepared to make that call, he seems resigned to it as well….likely because he’s had 10-11 months to come to a conclusion before dropping it on me Oct 1.

Im considering asking WH for a pause on all logistical divorce talk until January just to give myself time to process - but maybe that’s a mistake?

[This message edited by stayg0lden at 8:22 PM, Tuesday, October 27th]

Im considering asking WH for a pause on all logistical divorce talk until January just to give myself time to process - but maybe that’s a mistake?

I’m struggling to understand your question, sister. If you don’t want to talk to him about divorce logistics, tell him so. Or punt it to the lawyers. But if he wants to D, there’s not much you can do about it.

Was he interested in leaving you and being with her? If he was, why isn’t he? It sounds like he does not know what he wants but he does not want to be married right now for whatever reason. You need to do yourself a favor and look at what you want. The fact that he told you this a while ago and you’re still living with the pain is not doing you any good mentally or physically. I’m the busy body on this site because I beat it over people’s heads how dangerous long-term stress is to your overall health. I’m talking serious illnesses come from the amount of cortisol and adrenaline in your body every time you get stressed out and it seems like you’re stressed out all the time. I hope you’ve seen a doctor for meds for anxiety which you have because every BS has it and something to help you sleep if you need it. If you’re having trouble eating, have some liquid diet like ensure because you do need to keep your strength up. Don’t depend on alcohol. It’s a depressant. Find friends to do things with. His bad behavior has taken over your life and you need to give it back to him and get on with yours.

He says he doesn’t want to be with her and instead needs to "work on himself." I agree with him there, but who knows how long that will last. A few years ago he blew up his career because of the "pressure," and did an intensive outpatient program - I stuck by his side but it seems he’s trapped in this cycle of tearing down one thing or the other every few years.

I have a therapist and psychiatrist already - thank goodness! I have been drinking my calories as much as possible, and i’m very slowly adding small meals.

Friday will be our last couples therapy session as I will be sharing that i’m done. Going there is staying to feel like a humiliation ritual.

Now he says the "kindest thing he could do is let me go and start to heal." I told him I don’t view it as a kindness, that ship sailed in January when he didn’t tell me the truth of how he was feeling. I view it as his inability to fix what he broke based on emotional immaturity and lack of capacity. Because of this, I believe him when he says our relationship is over…but let’s not pretend this is some generosity to me.

This is 100% it. Don't even listen to his bullshit. Someone said to me on this site that my WH lit lit family home on fire and walked away leaving us to deal with the mess. That’s exactly what yours did and to leave you in the mess is not kindness, its abandonment because he can’t face what he did.

If he is spinning BS in counselling then yes stop going because those comments will sit with you snd you will dwell on them and its just doesn’t help you heal.

Ask your lawyer if there is any benefit or negatives to taking more time to file versus acting quickly. I understand how overwhelming it can be and so many times I just wanted to pause it just because the emotions are overwhelming and i just want a normal life again, but the longer you put it off, you will have to eventually deal with it so its better to act based on advice of whether you need to push through or whether you can take a breather without it impacting your settlement.

Sorry you are going through this. He’s a coward who doesn't want to do the work to become a decent person. And he’s going to blame you because you remind him of the shame of what he’s done? What the actual???

Talk to a lawyer about the delay. I get why you want it, but he could do great financial harm in that time. Depending on where you are, you can file, get a legal separation or maybe something else- but PROTECT YOUR ASSETS. At this point, you have to let it become the business decision that it is…

And yes agree that you should stop MC. Focus on that time and energy on your and your healing.

Sending strength!!

We have another couples therapy session on Friday, but honestly i’m so tired and feel like it’s hurting me more to sit there and listen to him talk about how much he’s unsure of me. To me, he has shit to figure out (as do I), and i’m not sure it’s helping us to do it together right now.

I went through the same thing last year. In MC, we ended up working through issues that were really his to deal with in the first place. After three sessions, we decided to put MC on hold and focus on IC instead. We’ve only just resumed MC now, a year later.

Thank you all for the sage advice. Some updates post a good nights sleep.

1. Friday will be our last MC session. I am done putting effort into something that I didn’t break.

2. The more I reflect on our conversation, the more annoyed I become by his lack of accountability. He also made this comment: "my therapist said that maybe I just changed, and what I wanted changed." Again, the problem isn’t that you changed….its that you lied and gaslit me about it for 10 months.

3. He thinks all of these things are happening TO him, and not because of the 100s of choices that he made along the way.

4. He wants to still be "friends," which isn’t happening for me. The amount of disrespect, pain and trauma he caused is something that I will change me permanently, and in ways I don’t even know yet. This is not friendship.

5. It’s clear he’s trying tooth and nail to somehow paint himself as the "good guy" in this situation, and i’ve allowed him to for this long. I won’t keep doing it.

Some people genuinely believe that when the world doesn’t give them exactly what they want they are victims. Your WH sounds like one of those.

He wants to still be "friends," which isn’t happening for me. The amount of disrespect, pain and trauma he caused is something that I will change me permanently, and in ways I don’t even know yet. This is not friendship.

Wanting to stay friends is a way for him to avoid accountability. He can say to people, see, stayg0lden are I are still friends, so what I did must not have been all that bad.

To me, essential qualities in a friend are loyalty and honesty. You can’t really be friends with someone who doesn’t have your back and who lies to you to get their way. I think you can tell him "I wish you well in life, but I could never be friends with someone who is capable of doing the things you did. I hope you ‘find what you want’, but I never want to see or hear from you again."