SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been nearly a year since the first dday. A lot has happened and a lot I haven’t shared. Ex is still living with me and wanting to make ago, he now has totally changed from not wanting to unlock his phone etc.. I’m certain the affair has finished and how he talks about it if I asked is more open and he seems to be out of the fog so to speak.

The only problem is I don’t think I feel the same anymore towards him, I’m not sure if the reality has finally sunken in for me or what. I can’t forgive him for cheating the lies or anything he did last year. He chose her over and over at every opportunity. I’ve tried to understand and make excuses for him but I just can’t. We get along and it’s a jolt out of no where him and her together, we get intimate and sometimes during there it is again or afterwards. Him and her. I feel he compares my body to hers, she’s a lot younger and no kids. I still do love him and very much attracted to him but it’s there the affair and I can’t see it ever going away.

Everyday this year all I think is ‘such and such happened this time last year’ for example it’s coming up to when we fell out and he first stayed the night at hers.

I feel really guilty to towards him and my children that I can’t continue the relationship with him. I feel guilty because he has no family we are his family and he will have nothing. But then remember he didn’t care about that last year at all. I know my kids will be fine but I just feel so much guilt. I know I’m not to blame but I feel I am. I’ve considered staying till my youngest is older but feel it’s easier to start over in my 30s than in my 50s. And why should I live like this when it was forced upon me?

Before this and now I know I’m not a person that can forgive at all I do hold grudges and will cut people off. During his affair last year I would have done anything for him to stop and I think I would have gotten over it at the start but he continued so I think that’s made it harder.

I’ve rambled on abit, I think what I’m asking is how do I stop the guilt feeling? How do I stop feeling sorry for ex? He thinks in time I will feel differently towards him but I really can’t see him in my future anymore where as before all this I never imagined him not being in my future.

I know what you mean about the guilt. I carried a lot of guilt for ending the M even though I knew it wasn't sustainable or could be saved. Like you I lost feelings for xWS, he actually repulsed me. Couldn't kiss him, hug him or be intimate anymore. I stayed in limbo for a long time because of my fear and guilt. We can't help what has happened or how it has made us feel. That is what I realized. I knew without a doubt I no longer wanted to be with xWS but I still had guilt. For my kids and for him. I sometimes still feel that guilt but have to constantly remind myself what it felt like to be in that M and why I left. I do not miss xWS or the M so the feeling of guilt makes no sense to me but I sometimes will feel it. I think it's because we are empathetic and don't want to hurt others but unfortunately D hurts.

I don't regret getting a D and my kids are doing really well with everything now. I have a new partner who treats me with respect and love and kindness. My kids like my partner. Things have settled and the guilt has all but gone away. I have forgiven myself for the guilt as well and to let it go.

I echo everything that cbs said. I still struggle with the guilt from time to time, but my kid is doing fine, and it's really more about my grief at "what could've been" than about reality.

You say that your ex is still living with you. Why is that? Are you divorced or...? That will certainly complicate your healing and recovery, and the guilt and feeling sorry for him are part of that. You can learn to manage your feelings over time by reminding yourself to look at the facts whenever you feel guilt or pity. If you kept a journal last year, read it again. Remember how bad it was and ask yourself if you can live through that again. And finally, remind yourself that all of this, including your loss of feelings for him, are because of his actions. If he hadn't cheated, none of this would've happened.

You need to stop apologizing for the way you feel.

You are not the one that created this mess, the cheater did. You have to give yourself permission to make the tough choice to D because that is what you want. Sadly the cheaters just expect that life will return to normal and everything goes away.

Well shout out from the Peanut Gallery "it just doesn’t work that way!"

Some things are just deal breakers. Period.

And if he’s such a "good guy" he will step up and be a great dad (though divorced) and co-parent with you to the best of your abilities.

He may get mad and become difficult to deal with but eventually he will have to accept that you just cannot stay married to him because he threw a bomb on your life and CHOSE to cheat.

Again something the cheater never considers. My H was prepared to take his affair to the grave. Except I knew the night he came home he had been with the OW. I just knew.