SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my SI friends,

We graduated therapy, our therapist said I’m ready and I agreed but my trauma brain has definitely spat the dummy out. I’d armed myself with a wonderful tool kit and I was IMO doing ok, but as soon as the scaffolding was removed my thoughts have been running away, not just running away like going down the rabbit hole but like flashes of random memories or things he said or things AP said or memories of before I knew etc etc, they are all random not connected and there’s no searching or digging done by me I’m just confused and it’s so noisy all day. I had to scream at myself this morning in my head to stop, just stop and F off. I’m wondering if this has something to do with us graduating therapy or if my brain is running a catalogue to see if I will react?.

As for my H and I, well we’re ok better than ok I think but I still have lots of anger and betrayal feelings, I don’t struggle with the thoughts anymore but they’re definitely there. The ones mostly there are the absolute ordacity of it all and the thoughts that he deserves to be with what he decided to cheat with. I also get angry that I’m angry at all, I get angry that I get sad, I get angry at being angry about being sad.

I mostly get sad because my husband has done everything over the past 13 months to show me that I’m everything to him, he’s not perfect but neither am I. He has made some incredibly selfish and stupid choices throughout our marriage, he’s resigned to the fact that he may never be able to put this right but he’s adamant that he’s never going to stop trying.
I get sad because the man I have now is the man who I married, somewhere along the line he got lost and never came back until now, It feels like I did it on my own, he was there but he wasn’t if that makes sense. I’m sad because I always deserved this man, he said that he’s so lucky I waited around so long and kept everything together, he is.

My self esteem flip flops too, mostly I know that I’m awesome for lots of reasons but also sometimes I feel garbage about myself and start attacking myself, I’m working on this.

I think one of the most destabilising aspects of infidelity for me is I was a person who truly believed that if you were a good person, kind and put goodness in to the world then this guaranteed you were safe, I believed that if you were bad and did bad things then bad things would find you so when infidelity hit I couldn’t understand why this had happened to me, I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong and this still happened to me, that made my whole entire world internally collapse and the outside world became terrifying. I now know better but it’s taken a while.

Whilst I’m here I want to also thank each and every single person that has supported me here on SI, you all have helped me so much and many of you planted little seeds in my head that have grown and I cherish them. Thank you.

It hasn’t been very long for you.

Hang in there; it will keep getting better.

And you know what? I think that people who don’t have infidelity in their lives still have doubts, and anger, and sadness, and injustice. It’s part of being human.

Best wishes.

I get sad because the man I have now is the man who I married, somewhere along the line he got lost and never came back until now, It feels like I did it on my own, he was there but he wasn’t if that makes sense.

Just want to say I relate to this so much. Maybe it's grief. I've lost relatives, but mostly when they were elderly. Never lost someone young and in good health. It almost feels like grieving the loss of a spouse, even though they're right beside you. I'm sorry. I hear you.

You ARE ready. You've got the tools you need. You've got the strength you need. It's hard to exploit your resources when you're supported by a scaffold. Now you have the autonomy you need to blaze your own path. Congratulations!

BTW, one of the tools you have is the ability to ask for help, so ... you're not alone.

*****

It's still early. The SI rule of thumb for healing is 2-5 years. Patience....

*****

I was a person who truly believed that if you were a good person, kind and put goodness in to the world then this guaranteed you were safe....

I always knew that was a false belief, but I couldn't stop believing it until I was confronted by the injustice of my W's A. My tagline shows haw much time it took for me to get there.

I think the biggest loss most BSes face is the loss of illusions.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:27 PM, Thursday, January 29th]

I think the biggest loss most BSes face is the loss of illusions.

I think so, too. Maybe not the biggest loss, but certainly one of them.

I also get angry that I’m angry at all, I get angry that I get sad, I get angry at being angry about being sad.

That seems terribly familiar! I clearly remember hitting an intense anger phase after that first antiversary, which is pretty common. For me, I was angry that I wasn't even close to healed after a year and knowing that I would be spending at least another year dealing with this shit. It's just so unfair to put someone through so much for so little in return.

Something that really helped me was to pretend that I was single and focusing most of my energy and time on putting myself back together. I also focused on who I wanted to be moving forward. I tried to redefine what love and marriage meant to me. I used to think of it all as something of a computer's operating software; tossing that bad and updating it with better programming.

Setting and enforcing new boundaries also helped, especially with support and guidance here.

You still have a long way to go in your healing journey. Be patient and kind with yourself. Nurture your strength and spirit.

Yes, this sounds very familiar. When I thought I was feeling some relief and letting up a tad on the hyper vigilance ….my brain would double down.

It really hasn’t been that long for you. One technique my IC taught me that helped….is when I DO find myself spiraling…just telling myself that this is my brain doing what it was designed to do to keep me safe. That’s different from watching for new A behavior. Honestly, I didn’t stop watching for that for a couple of years.

Hang in there.

I feel like except for graduating therapy I could have written every single word...

Sending hugs!

I'm much newer to this... just two months out from D day, but much of what you say ressonates. So true.

I think one of the most destabilising aspects of infidelity for me is I was a person who truly believed that if you were a good person, kind and put goodness in to the world then this guaranteed you were safe, I believed that if you were bad and did bad things then bad things would find you so when infidelity hit I couldn’t understand why this had happened to me, I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong and this still happened to me, that made my whole entire world internally collapse and the outside world became terrifying. I now know better but it’s taken a while.

This is what I'm dealing with now. Maybe bad things happen to good people. Ok. Maybe good people lose people they love in car accidents. ok. But this? I confronted him 6 months bf Dday and he told me everything they did together was just work related. Why did he lie then? Why didn't he end it then? He said, "You are important to me. The most important thing in my life." And then continued to meet with her. This is the timeline we've been working on. Ironing out what he did from the 6 months I confronted him to now. It's so devastating. He wants to minimize things bc he can't believe how horrific it was. I just want to die. I just rock back and forth and think why me? Why me? Why me? How did I deserve this? How did this happen? Dumb questions that have no answers. Or the answers I just don't want to believe. It had nothing to do with me. Ok. And why try at anything in life? If nothing has anything to do with me. Now he tells me I am the most important thing in his life, but why did he tell me that 6 months ago? He would tell me it was true then too. But why did he make up excuses to be with her? Why? Why? Why?

As for my H and I, well we’re ok better than ok I think but I still have lots of anger and betrayal feelings, I don’t struggle
with the thoughts anymore but they’re definitely there. The ones mostly there are the absolute ordacity of it all and the thoughts that he deserves to be with what he decided to cheat with. I also get angry that I’m angry at all, I get angry that I get sad, I get angry at being angry about being sad.

I'm so glad that you do't struggle with the thoughts anymore. I keep wondering at what point this stops being a constant pain in my chest. When, when can I not have it what I am thinking about all the time? Also think that mine deserves to be with who he cheated with. But I love him. Always have.

My self esteem flip flops too, mostly I know that I’m awesome for lots of reasons but also sometimes I feel garbage about myself and start attacking myself, I’m working on this.

I want to be with him. But I almost feel like if we divorced, my self esteem would rise. Here I am with a man who looked at me and said, "She is not enough. I need this other woman. I must plan get aways with this other woman. " It's devastating.

Thank you for sharing your story, Bruce 123. I'm so sorry about what happened to you and I'm happy you've graduated therapy and are making it work.

It's still early. The SI rule of thumb for healing is 2-5 years. Patience....

Thank you Sissoon. Glad to know this.

Hurting One...please don't put yourself in such a bind. This takes a long, long time. There is no "system" that can heal your heart.

Make sure you talk very frequently with your husband about these thoughts and the associated pain and wounds. He needs to receive that and offer reassurance to you. He need to sit with you.

Over time, the thoughts will hold less power. That is my experience. Every time we talk and I express my hurt, it seems they loose just a bit more of their bite.

But I am not there.

It will take time and amends and reassurance.

It is very hard to live in the present and not look back.

But it does slowly become a thing of the past if the former cheater remains consistent and trustworthy and emotionally stable and available.

I had to tell myself the same thing every day for the first year. "He’s not that cheating guy he once was". I knew it. I saw it.

But believing it was another story. It took much effort on my part to feel like I was back on solid ground.

Hurting One...please don't put yourself in such a bind. This takes a long, long time. There is no "system" that can heal your heart.

Make sure you talk very frequently with your husband about these thoughts and the associated pain and wounds. He needs to receive that and offer reassurance to you. He need to sit with you.

Over time, the thoughts will hold less power. That is my experience. Every time we talk and I express my hurt, it seems they loose just a bit more of their bite.

But I am not there.

It will take time and amends and reassurance.

Yes. You are right. Unfortunately for him I talk to him all the time about it. I can make it through most days alright, but the nights are terrible. And he's a light sleeper, so when I retreat, he comes after me and we talk. And he holds me. He's not letting me run and hide. He's right beside me. But what he did is so awful and the fear that it will happen again is so scary. It's also still in the beginning and I am finding out new material. I ask questions and he answers honestly as far as I can tell. I believe it is honestly bc I don't think he would fess up if it weren't. He tells me things that are not in his best interest to tell me. The latest question was.... did she ever come to our house while I was away and have sex with her. No. Never. But she did come in the house once. She wanted to see the jacuzi we have in our bathroom. So that gnawed on me awhile and I thought, "Wonder if they were ever in a jacuzi together on the business trips? Bc one time I stayed in the room with him and there was a jacuzi" And I asked him yesterday and sure enough... yes.. they had been together in a jacuzi on a trip. We have a jacuzi in our bathroom that we never get in. I told him, what woman wouldn't perform beautifully in bed after being loved by a man in a jacuzi? Who wouldn't want sex then? So she told him she was interested in what ours looked like because she had one in her house as a child. I was like... what? What kind of stupid story is that? An adult woman needed to go upstairs to my bedroom and look in my bathroom because she had a jacuzi in her house as a child? Next thing you know, they would have been in my bed. If I hadn't stumbled on their messages first week of December, this would have gone much further than just sex on business trips and his office. And he so blind he couldn't see it. He says it never crossed his mind to have sex with her in our bedroom. I believe him, but I also know that she was leading him somewhere. And he was following and pursuing. Anyway, you're right. It's all fresh and every time I discover a new fact, I hurt more and more. Thank you for your comforting words.