SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It appears to me that someone on this site recognized who I am and more importantly who my wife is. How I came to this belief is that in one of my threads this person mentioned my wife by name!

I will be honest; it shook me to my core because anonymity is one of the bedrock principles of a site like this and to lose it puts before a person a troubling but familiar questions. Do I stay or do I go? Do I accept and reconcile the fact that I am no longer unknown or do I reject and divorce myself from a site that I have grown to love and trust?

It was suggested that maybe this was simply a strange coincidence or an odd typo or something along those lines. Before I concluded that the smart thing for me to do was to bail that I would ask, in a follow up question on the same thread, as to how it was that they came to using my wife’s name? I received no response.

This did not help to relieve my anxiety. I waited a few days and then I reluctantly sent my fellow betrayed a P.M. explaining that I wasn’t mad but was uncomfortable and needed to know whether it was that they recognized me or was this just an odd happenstance. Again, no response.

This lack of replies has left me in a very familiar quandary. Once again, I feel silenced for the wrongdoing of another. There is deep loneliness in a situation like this. A type of abandonment that feels like betrayal. Though that probably is unfair or an overreaction for this situation could be just an weird mistake.

A few here, have thoughtfully reached out to me, to see if I was okay and that really warms the heart. And they have kindly listened with intent to my fears and concerns. It affirms that there is support here and that I would be wise to stay and find my way through this uncomfortable situation.

But in truth, I want to shrink back into the shadows.

Asterisk

1) I'd wait. Maybe the member is aware of your concern; maybe not. People take time off SI for a number of reasons for anything that is great to something that is devastating.

2) Is one person figuring out who you are a real problem, if that person does not spread the news? And if that person DOES spread the news, it's too late.

I don't mean to minimize lost anonymity. I do mean that it's too late to protect it, and posting or not posting here seems irrelevant to me.

Maybe the person is fearful you will figure out who they are.

And that is why there is silence.

Please stay. I think we need all the support from a solid community like SI when the chips are down.

I'm fairly certain a member once figured out who I am. A comment that member made peaked my curiosity. I sent a pm and got no response. It happens.

Maybe this member will fess up. It would be polite.

I have no idea how anyone could figure out something as vague as this site’s stories are. For instance on another site a poster writes openly about her marriage, her ex and his public issues but there are thousands of those kind of stories.
Don’t panic. I put enough info on here that my family members might actually guess but it is not different enough for them to know for sure. Your story is being played out right now somewhere on this planet.

Thank you Sisoon,

For your perspective, and I don’t feel like you are "minimizing" the situation. The knowledge of the idea of "the news" being "spread" and is "too late too protect it" is discomforting. And the fact that I needlessly let myself cause this situation has me a bit frustrated. Another way of saying it is I set the trap and I sprung the trap not the smartest maneuver.

Asterisk

The1stWife,

I too have found SI to be a solid community, and I am split between "wantings". I want to stay and I want to split. Which is how I felt, though to a much lesser extent, after D-day. As I did then, I plan to hold tight, stick around, and see if I can regain my comfort. Thank you for your encouragement.

Asterisk

Unhinged,

Yes, fessing up would be the polite thing to do and I still hold out hope that they will.

Asterisk

Cooley2here,

I hear what you are saying. I agree it would be highly unlikely for someone to figure out who a person here might be. And I have tried to keep that in mind. However, this member called my wife by her 1st name. Not only that but by the abbreviation of her 1st name, which is how I, her family, and close friends refer to her. That would be a very strange coincidence. I have never used my wife’s name, her affair partner’s name, or my name, so how do I square this? How would you?

Asterisk

Asterisk,

I am going through my own journey, and I've really come to rely on several anonymous boards to help me.

I don't have any desire to be identified, and I wouldn't like to be outed publicly, as I use these boards as a way to get support (and to share bluntly and honestly what I'm going through). During my last IC, I was reminded to be careful to protect my identity. I told my IC that if she went on the forums, knowing what she does, she'd be able to identify me pretty quickly by looking at more recent activity -- but anyone that doesn't already know what I'm going through probably wouldn't -- and of the people that would care to try, they're almost certain to be supportive rather than vindictive.

I do not have any desire for distressing information to be "outed" (non-anonymously). The only person I KNOW wouldn't want me on this boards is my spouse, because she is the person the disclosures are about. She would absolutely hate it knowing that I am posting and seeking help "publicly." She is also trying to rug sweep everything, claiming it all happened so long ago -- and she "doesn't know how much more apologizing she has to do" (meaning several times over a few weeks) so there's that.

My thought process, which I'm sure you've already done:
1. Who knows her nicknames? I didn't go digging to see if that post is still out there, but someone taking (for example) Joseph and saying Joe isn't really a big jump, neither is Robert becoming "Bob" -- and those are both common names! If her name is more unique, or her nickname is really unique, then this becomes more important.

2. Who knows you're a visitor to this forum?
This forum has a unique background, and I use it when looking for saved tabs on my phone. My other forums are the same way. I don't hide my phone from my wife, and she ends up using it from time to time when her battery dies during a call. She could also look through my phone any time I set it down, though I keep it close as I have a position that requires me to be available 24/7 at times.

3. The only person who would be absolutely against me participation in these forums is actually my wife -- anyone else familiar with the situation would be supportive -- not trying to silence me! I can't imagine anyone else that knows us not finding a way to reach out "just because" to make sure we're getting the help we need.

Asterisk,

If your wife came here and read what you’ve posted, would that be the end of the world?

Or might it be a good thing?

Best wishes.

This is definitely the pot calling the kettle black, but you do post a lot (in a relatively short time) .
That’s fine – no issue whatsoever with that. But I scanned through several of your posts, and I didn’t really find anything that could allow me to deduct who you are unless I had a more direct personal connection to you. If anything then what’s noteworthy is how little of your story you actually share.

I also see that the user that posted the name registered a few years ahead of you. Sort-of eliminating the most likely scenario of someone that is involved in your situation searched online and somehow managed to piece you and your story to a scenario they were knowledgeable about.

One possibility: Is your wife using any comparable online resource? A lot of posters here are also active on other forums, and I’m wondering if someone on another forum reading this one too might have connected some dots.
--

Some years ago we had a poster with a story that got a lot of attention. He had a unique role/career that he shared in his story, mentioned a relatively localized event, another incident he had part in and made the local news and shared time he spent traveling between certain points. When I noticed these things, I could relatively easily simply with google more-or-less nail down his place of employment and could have gotten his name with a single phone-call.
Just goes to show that you really need to be careful with what you share.

There is nothing I've read in any of your posts that's revealed identifiable information and nothing about your story that is so unique that someone who came upon this site by chance would know by your posts who you are.

In my opinion, the call is coming from inside the house.

Oddly enough I found out who two different people were and we became friends. We shared our misery. I hope this person is harmless.

Have you read through this members profile and posts? You might be able to figure out who it is.

Be to perfectly honest, I don't really care who knows who I am in real life. I've reached out with several members in real life. I'm completely comfortable talking about all of this with anyone. In fact, I've done just that on more than a few occasions with people I've just met, known for a while, and people I've known my whole life.

Living an authentic life and being comfortable with vulnerability may not always be easy and can certainly back-fire on occasions. However, making those connections in life, being friendly even with strangers. is extremely rewarding. A stronger community becomes a strong us, you know?

I can only speak for myself, but infidelity has, for years, owned and honed my human experiences. Betrayal has shown me the sorrow that resides in the security of silence. The two, infidelity secreted by their many, mini betrayals, is perhaps the loneliest, darkest path a spouse’s heart and mind will ever trod.

I believe it is time to put this tread to bed. Hopefully now the naive, like me, will be a little wiser to the risks and rewards of coming out of the shadows.

Thank you all for your insights and encouragement.

Asterisk

I am the "guilty party" here.

I used a phrase in one of my posts that many of the young people I worked with use when they hear someone lying.

The phrase comes from a television show, and I used it. It is coincidence that the name in the phrase is the same as his wife’s name.

I apologize openly and completely for what I posted. What I said carries no meaning related to Asterisk’s wife, and I have absolutely NO IDEA who he is, nor who is wife is.

I have not seen anything in my internet scrolling that would remotely give me any idea as to who anyone here is. I have never even tried to find out anything about ANY member, because it is not my business, I also rely on the same trust that others do, and I have no interest beyond furthering the recovery process.

Regarding the delay in responding, I don’t log in very frequently. Today I was not logged in, but simply scrolling through and saw this thread. When reading it, I thought it might have referred to my post. I logged in, looked for a message, and found it.

My response to Asterisk was a full apology, and an explanation much like this post.

I have not, and do not plan to search or play detective to find out anyone’s identity. Please know that my heart goes out to everyone here, because this recovery process is very difficult. And the fact that my accidental use of a name caused Asterisk pain makes me regret even posting at all.

Again, I apologize. There was no ill intent on my part, and I pray for his forgiveness.

5Decades,

I am so relieved to hear from you. I have no doubts about what you are saying. I knew that it could have been coincidental, but for the life of me I could not reason out what the combination could be that would arrive at my wife’s name. You are kind to clear this up.

And the fact that my accidental use of a name caused Asterisk pain makes me regret even posting at all.

Please, please hear me; Do not allow this odd happening to discourage you from posting. Your advice was good and helpful to me and I look forward to more of your thoughts in the future. I too, will release my hesitance at further postings.

This is a good lesson for me to be slower in my conclusions, for which I owe you an apology.

Asterisk

I hope you’re patient enough to let me talk to you as a social worker. My job, unfortunately, was to go into families that were dealing with chaos and make decisions about their children. I spent many hours in court rooms. One thing that I learned, out of many, is that people lie. Every single person on the planet lies. I talk to cops all the time. In fact, we often go on cases together, and we all agree that is a given with our jobs. So if you feel like it being very unfair that someone has lied to you, they are just part of the human race. It’s the lies of the bad things because they take your agenda away from you. I don’t know if it was this site or another because I often don’t go back and read all of my remarks, but please read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the ethical spectacle. He touches on just about everything, including cheating, and it makes so much sense why it is so painful for us to be lied to especially, by people we care for.
There is a term called homeostasis and it’s about the body keeping itself healthy. That’s why we run fevers to help get rid of infections. That term is often used in something called family systems which has been referred to here. There’s a term that a family is only as healthy as it’s unhealthy as child but suppose the whole family is unhealthy. Then children start having roles forced upon them. If you know a kid in a family whose behavior is so out of control that the rest of the family looks like saints there is a better than even chance that child is the family garbage can. Other kids in the family will have their very defined roles and the more chaotic the family, the more toxic the family, the more enmeshed in roles the children are. There might be a child that’s very quiet, makes good grades and does nothing wrong, and that’s because that kid learned very young to shut up and stay out of trouble. That means they might bring all of that into their adult lives where they can never speak up, they can’t take up for themselves. They just look like they’re easy-going when in reality they’re still that kid that never made an issue of anything because of how crazy their family was. Have you been the peace keeper, the ogre, the jealous one, the clown…..? You have a role. It came with you. Is it allowing you to look realistically at your life?
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who your wife is but y’all brought your childhoods with you because we all do. You need to look at what you brought with you into adulthood because that’s how you deal with everything.
If someone has found your name and confronted you about it, so what. You did nothing to be ashamed of, your wife did. Stop taking on that burden of her behavior. You didn’t do the cheating she did. This is her responsibility. Yours is to find a place on this planet, and in your own mind, where you can be, and feel, safe.

The Brady Bunch????

OMG craziness