I used to post here ten years ago and wanted to give an update.
To make a long story short(er), I met my stbx my first week of college. He was two years older, and in a more loner space than is his usual stance, so I certainly didn't anticipate how social he would become. We dated for six years and then got married. We had been really religious when we met, so the first few years of our marriage were having the fun that we didn't have when we were younger. We would sit drinking with our friends and neighbors every night.
Then we had our first baby, and he was still going out four nights a week. I remember thinking, what if I went out four nights a week? That would mean we'd never see each other and there would be one night with no one there with the baby. He always had a low tolerance for criticism and felt very martyred by general adulting, so I laid boundaries but he always pushed against them (and resented me for them).
Then when our girls were 3 and 5, he had an affair. I don't think I really considered leaving. I was a SAHM with chronic fatigue. And I loved him and was attached to him. I wanted to believe he was remorseful, but his capacity for introspection and change is just really low. Probably the only reason it worked was because the OW lives on another continent.
I think he probably has undiagnosed ADHD; he certainly has functional alcoholism and is stuck in a constant state of seeking the next dopamine hit. He makes a lot of money, and uses that to invest in businesses and properties for fun; despite his high income, he had tied up all of our money in loans. He goes out constantly . . . workout and coffee with friends every morning, happy hours and concerts most nights, festivals and events on the weekends. He is always gone. He used to take the kids, but they have their own lives and interests now.
Last September he suddenly said he wanted to separate. It felt very out of the blue for me - I put up with all of his deficiencies, still had a high sex drive, made space for everything he wanted. So um, what? It didn't make sense. And the "separation" obviously meant divorce, because he bought a house four days after he told me. Thanks for being so clear!
This weekend a year ago I learned that it was another affair. It was trauma all over again . . . I had to have my mom come sleep with me that night because I was so distraught. A friend fed me soup and blow dried my hair for me. I confronted him, and since it wasn't my first rodeo, I got a confession in about 30 seconds.
But here our story takes a turn towards joy and peace! I grieved, hard. I wept for many weeks. I couldn't hide my sorrow from the girls, but I told them, "I'm an adult, and I have adult supports; it's not your job to worry about me. Anyone is allowed to leave a relationship, and that's OK, because we're strong and will always figure it out." I'm just a super attacher, I think, and I was attached to him. But also, attached to what? I gave and gave and he didn't. I remember early on he said, "I do miss you. I want to text you seven times a day" and I said, "Hmmm, well I don't miss you, because you were never there, physically or emotionally."
After the period of weeping, then the anger came. Humor is a great vehicle for that, and I laughed with my friends about all of the ridiculous things he was doing. Like he would send me these oblivious texts bragging about something really obvious he had done for the kids, and I would send it to all my friends with the headline "Heroic Father Even Thought to Buy Food for Kids."
As far as I know, he's still with AP, and that makes me laugh too. She pretends to be really religious and she told her faithful, kind husband that she had to leave him because he "didn't love her like Christ loves the church" . . . so she left him for my alcoholic, cheating, atheist husband. Over the summer I would think about that and just start giggling.
Recently I made a new mom friend who's interacted with my ex a few times. He bragged to her that he's hooked up with "a few" people on the apps. Does that mean he's cheating on AP? That he's made AP agree to an open relationship? That he was lying to my new friend to impress her with his virility? Who knows! The AMAZING thing is that I don't have to know the answer to this question. When we were married something like this would have thrown me into a panic, and he would have claimed he never said it and she must have misunderstood, and I'd have to try to believe him. Whatever the answer, it's bad, and he's gross.
I don't need him and AP to implode or cheat on each other. They can be selfish jerks together forever for all that I care. But I do see how his life is always going to be a flaming dumpster fire, one way or another. I protected his reputation and stood between him and the consequences of his actions. I'm not there now, and it seems like every week another person that I never knew disliked him is like, "Whew, what an a-hole." His best friend chose me in the divorce. After years of telling me that "a vacation with me wasn't a vacation for him because of my illness," he developed a medieval skin blistering disease that made all the skin on his face fall off. He's broken a bone, lost a tooth, bought a house with a basement that floods . . . it's just one disaster after another.
All the calamities definitely helped during the anger/laughter period, but even if nothing bad ever happens to him, he'll never have or understand what's really important in life. Our daughters are constantly venting to me about him not having any food, him going out constantly on his nights with them, him never remembering to sign them up or order them what they need, etc. My high schooler FaceTimes me for hours from his house, while he's probably passed out after drinking. He has so many blessings and he doesn't see them. It's sad, but it's not my burden or responsibility. I'm free.
And now I get to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have lifetime alimony and I will be OK financially (even if he stops working I have a backup plan). I can concentrate on getting the rest that I need to have the best health that I can. And I can surround myself with good, principled, kind people . . . there are so many of them! I don't have to keep sharing the answers to life with some dummy who didn't study for the test.
And I'm reaching indifference! When I got an annoying text from him a few months ago I would need to vent and distill it with my friends. Now I'm more often like, meh, whatever. It's fine. We had kids together. He was a bad husband, but at least he was fair with the finances. I'm not going to carry around resentment. I spent ten years trying to forgive him for his affair, but it was an open wound that he hadn't tended to. I've spent as much energy trying to have compassion and understanding for him as I want to in this lifetime.
I did it. I survived infidelity.
