SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I never thought something "online" could destroy a real marriage.
For ten years, I believed we were close — until I found messages, profiles, and a life I didn’t even know existed.

It wasn’t physical. It was emotional. But somehow, that made it even harder to understand.

I’ve spent a long time asking myself why. Why someone would need those connections — hundreds of chats, messages, attention from strangers — when real love was already there.

I’m not here to blame or shame. I’m here because I still want to understand what drives people to live a second life online.

Has anyone here been on the other side — the one keeping secrets?

I would really appreciate hearing honest thoughts from both sides, especially from men who’ve done it. Not to accuse, but to learn.

Thank you for reading this. 🌿

I’m sorry you have been impacted by infidelity. Please continue to post here to get support, good advice and a place to vent.

You asked why do people have affairs.

I’m going to give you my take on some aspects of cheating.

In my opinion, I believe that people cheat for the ego boost. By that I mean, they can pretend to be anyone or anything to the affair partner. As an example if they don’t feel adored or put on a pedestal by their spouse or partner, they can then go and find someone else who will believe they are "all that" and more.

Affairs are typically fantasy. And for some odd reason, it seems as though people need to live in that fantasy world. Now typically the affair partner is a hot mess in their own, right, but the cheater overlooks all of that, and views them in a very different way. (not based on reality).

Emotional affairs, are just as damaging as physical affairs. The cheater becomes a different persona and gives attention to the affair partner that should be given to the spouse.

Please consider some counseling for yourself. It can help you navigate this situation and give you the support you need. Counseling saved my sanity during my H’s affair.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.
The way you described the "ego boost" makes a lot of sense,
and I think that’s true for many cases.

In my husband’s situation, it was a bit different though.
What I discovered was that he seemed to need the opposite —
he sought out dominant women online and wanted to be submissive, to serve them.

It’s something I still don’t fully understand.
Maybe it was also about control, or escaping real life in a way that felt safe to him.

I really appreciate being able to talk about this here,
because I’ve never had anyone to discuss it with before.
Thank you for listening and for being kind. 🌿

My story is somewhat similar. I discovered on April 4th 2024 that my 49-year-old wife, my partner of 27 years, my wife of 20 years, was sexting with the goid looking 40 y/o police office who was 13 years younger than me, who was assigned to work in the same school. In 30 seconds 27 years of trust evaporated. Everything I thought I knew to be true and safe and secure was gone and I had never felt so empty in my 53 years. I felt like a shell of a man

When I confronted her that day I asked if she loves me she said why are you asking and then she said yes. Than I asked if our relationship was okay and against he asked why and then she said yes. So now I was even more confused because obviously it wasn't. Then I asked if there's anything I should know about and again she asked why and eventually said no so at this point I was pretty convinced that I had stumbled into her exit affair

Then I asked what is going on with you and the police officer at the school and by this point she was shooting daggers at me with her eyes and her tone was totally void of any empathy or caring. She said nothing is going on, I have not crossed a line and I asked so you're not chatting with him and she paused and said we flirt, that's all, I have not crossed any lines

I said what is it you chat about and she said well obviously you know if you're asking and I was so on my heels I had trouble forming complete sentences I was breathing fast my heart rate was through the ceiling

I asked how can you say you've not crossed any lines with what you've been saying to each other. At this point she was in full self-defense mode and she did the typical deny deflect darvo and then she said in what Secrets do you have that I don't know which was obviously her pathetic attempt to spend this to which I reply I don't have any, you know everything about me. What made it even worse for me was this guy was married as well

An hour later I was convinced she had one foot out the door they had an Exit plan in place. I just happened to stumble into it. I said well I guess there's nothing else to talk about and we went back inside the house. The next morning when she walked downstairs to go to work she was just as angry at me and still spitting daggers with her eyes, zero remorse

When she came home from work I said I need time to think and I can't do that with you in the house and I will not spend all weekend staring at the ground. There's a suitcase upstairs, I cannot make you leave but I need you to leave. She looked at me for a few seconds walked upstairs packed the bag walk downstairs said something to our older two kids and then walked out the front door and I was convinced she was going to a hotel and she was going to let him know where she was and that was the end of us

The next day I sent her a huge text, somewhat belittling her, calling her a hypocrite for being upset when she found out that her sister's fiance was sexting with someone on Tinder. I said we will meet tomorrow afternoon 3:00 p.m. to discuss our next steps

Sunday afternoon when she walked up she looked like a train wreck. Reality finally slapped her in the face that she destroyed our marriage. She was crying apologizing and of course because I didn't know any better I switched back to being the protector and trying to make her feel better which was a mistake on my part. I demanded MC right away which again was a mistake. I had asked for it a few years prior and she was adamantly against the idea, said it could bring up other problems in our marriage so I went and found an IC for myself and when I told her she has a balls to be upset with me for not discussing it with her prior to which I replied I asked you to come with me you said no so I'm going by myself and it was the best thing I ever did

Early on in our reconciliation I kept asking the why question and she said she was closing in on 50 years old, the kids were independent, her hair was thinning out, she was putting on weight, her skin didn't fit as tight, to which I replied none of that I care about. I said we all get older and we all start to fall apart but our love should never. At one point she had the balls to say placing blame doesn't help, we are both at fault for this to which I replied I am not to blame, this is 100% on you, I asked you to go to MC and you refused, this is something you did on your own for selfish reasons. It took her months to be able to finally say yes this is 100% my fault

So to get back to your question as to why, When a Stranger tells someone they are beautiful or charming it's strokes the ego and some people need that and they are willing to risk everything foolishly for those pathetic compliments. Just because her husband told her she was beautiful hearing it from a stranger carried more weight. When my wife took this job she said I will not be able to sext with you and given the setting I said yeah I understand so when I discovered that she could do it, just not with me, but with a co-worker it was crushing. My wife has said several times that there was zero chance it would become physical to which I replied you can't say that. 6 months before you started this BS if I had asked you would you ever do something like this your response would have been an adamant hell no but look what you were able to let happen and there was nothing in your way to stop it from escalating. I just got lucky and stumbled into it. I said when school got out for the summer and the building was down to just a skeleton crew I believe that would have been his and your opportunity to find a secluded place to let this escalate into a full-blown physical affair. Of course she tried acting offended and again denying that it would ever happen but I still believe a year and a half later that it would have

Regrets as to how I handled this? I have several. I waited 5 months to tell his wife what her husband was doing with my wife. I should have done that immediately. I should have demanded she go to IC. I should have told her she needs to stay out of the house longer to give me more time to process and get my feet back on the ground. I should have been meaner to be honest but I fell back into my husband has to protect his wife role but eventually the anger did come out because I got to a point where I knew I would be okay if she left and once I realized that the clarity was amazing

I told her I will not feel secure in this relationship until she figures out whatever was broken or missing inside her that allowed her to do this and she had to convince me that it was fixed or found before I would consider staying in the marriage

It took me several months before I felt like I could see and think clearly. Those early days were the purest definition of hell. Talking with an IC did help. Talking with my brother helped. Talk to whoever you need to and don't worry about how he feels about it. He made this decision now he gets to live with the consequences

It's hard for most people in the beginning to Stand Tall be strong be assertive make demand set boundaries. I was afraid that if I did anything to upset her she would just go running to him which in hindsight is foolish thinking of my part because I cannot control what she does so if she thought being with him was better for her then so be it

By the way, this was his second affair. After my wife he moved on to the social worker at the school who had a boyfriend and they had sex in his car which also belongs to his wife and also on This Woman's desk inside the school which just reaffirms my conviction that eventually my wife would have done the same

I keep in touch with his wife. We check in with each other every so often and I am baffled that she is giving him yet another chance because she found out something else in addition to this which I won't go into. My wife asked me one time if I was still talking with her and I said yes and she said I don't think that's a good idea, I think they need to do their healing and we need to do ours without any interaction and I said no. I said I'm not hiding the fact that I'm talking to her nor am I talking to her about anything that I shouldn't be. I understand what she is going through and she understands what I am going through. My wife backed off

And as usual I have rattled on too long. You have found a great place for support and advice. Most of the members here are from the Betrayed side but we do have some who were the betrayers and they will chime in

Over the years I have discovered my husband had created dating profiles. I rugswept as they seemed ineofds and he swore he didn't meet anyone (I dont think he did). Eventually I found his profiles and messages on hookup sites (think Ashley Madison) although there were many messages I don't think he met them in person. He seems to have tried but it never worked out for them to meet. Was it because no one was interested or because hendidnt really want to cross that line. I'll never know. He stopped for a long time then began conversing with women on Facebook and other social media platforms.

He had at least one sexual encounter online which ended with her trying to sextort him).

He stopped the interactions after I caught him last year, and we began deslling with it again in the spring, but it wasn't until June when I dug and eventually I found the video of the sexual encounter that we really dealt with it.

He then came to me and confessed he had been a porn user for many years. He is the one that labeled it an addiction.I put the timeline together and figure it was probably 25 years. Coinciding with the first dating profiles back in 2001/2ish.

I had no idea. Without his confession I would have never known. I was good at sleuthing and found a crap ton of stuff online.But this, not a hint, he hid it so well.

Once I knew that, everything else made sense in that context. He was escalating from vanilla porn to wanting to have actual interactions with other women. I mean they were never overtly sexual conversations, and he did turn down some blatant offers, but he really tried to make connections online -like phone or video calls.

In your case I would look into porn use, as it is very often connected.

And, as I found out oersonally and from the copius amounts if rrading I have done, if you and your spouse don't deal with the porn use/addiction you will never heal or recover. And by deal with it, I mean he has to want to stop and recover from his warped,brain re-wired thinking to become sexually.healthy again. He needs to not just stop but take specific recovery steps like therapy with a CSAT not marriage counciling and not a general therapist- porn use requires a specialist or it can do more harm than good.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this position. Online infidelity is a whole other type of betrayal!

[This message edited by lizziej at 5:37 PM, Friday, October 24th]

If you want responses from waywards, you can ask your question in the I Can Relate subforum's 'BS Questions for WSes' thread.

WSes are not permitted to post in the JFO subforum.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:10 PM, Friday, October 24th]

Thank you so much for pointing that out.
I’ve realized how deeply it helps to read the words of people who have gone through something similar.
For me, this is a very special moment, because I’ve never had anyone to talk to about this — not once.

Reading all of your stories, so different and yet so familiar, has moved me more than I expected.
I think the question of why is always deeply personal, and maybe it never has just one clear answer.

I want to say from my heart how grateful I am for what you’ve shared.
I’ve read your posts several times, and with every line I could feel what it must have been like —
even though every situation is different, the pain is the same.
That moment when the whole house of cards collapses,
and everything you believed in suddenly no longer exists.

As odd as it sounds in some ways I am glad this happened because it forced change in me, my wife, and our relationship. In ways our relationship is better but forever gone is that naive fantasy that MY wife would never have an affair. Everyone thinks their relationship is solid enough that it would never happen but that is just wishful thinking

I have accepted the fact that I will never again give her implicit blind trust. A wise man once said trust, yet verify.

My husband did this about 10 years ago. I was going to surprise him one night by fixing his computer. I got the surprise. He left open a dating site with emails/text messages on it. I was absolutely flabbergasted and I am NOT easily shocked. I would NEVER NEVER have thought it of him, he's a very shy, conservative kind of guy and I had no idea he would look for other women.
I hit the roof and kept going. I started raising hell with him that night and kept going. He tried to minimize it, but he was also ashamed. I think he was doing a fantasy thing, pretending to be some kind of suave guy (which he ain't)....but I've also come to realize that he was going through a lot of crises at the time and and this was an escape BUT.....I also have come to believe he really WAS trying to replace me at that point. Not sure if it was just about finding a different type of woman, but knowing him, he probably was also looking for someone with money, someone of a higher social class. I am from a very poor, working class background and his family is very classist.

I don't remember it all because it was so traumatic and unexpected, but I made it clear this was NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN and that I would not tolerate this. And I would be checking. I think he was frightened and ashamed of himself - I did check for a few years but eventually came to the conclusion that I just didn't really give a shit any more. I can't control him if he wants to do this, for fantasy, fun, ego - he has a weak ego and this was him making himself seem "big" - or for sex. If he left, he left. I stay because I don't have much money or any family and it would be hard living on my own and I have serious health problems. I am fond of him, but I've never regained the same feelings I had for him before. if I had money and better health, I would leave. I'd still leave. But it's not practical for me and we get along well enough.

My guess is your husband was doing it for pretense, for an ego boost, but there is also the possibility he could have found someone else and gone down a very different path into an affair or another relationship, or he could have got as one of the other folks here said, "sextorted". That happens more than people think but I don't think it would have worked on my husband.

At any rate, don't take any shit off him, lay down the law - your boundaries - and tell him what you will or won't, accept. And stick with that. Don't be afraid of him leaving - if they really want to go, let them go. Most people have better situations than me, they have some family or someplace they can go if you need to. Don't think it's all you can do because most people have some alternative. NEVER eat the shit sandwich.

I don't personally take onlne bullshit as seriously as physical cheating, but it can DEFINITELY escalate to that if you don't stop it when you find out. If someone wants to have a fantasy life they should do a role playing game or something like that. And no sex - once sex gets into it, I really think the marriage is broken beyond repair. I would advise most people to divorce after a physical affair because I think people need space to heal and it's very hard to heal living with the person who devastated you and destroyed your trust. It seems unrealistic to me.

Good luck and don't take any shit off him. You can talk to him about what he was getting out of this if he'll be honest, but don't listen to excuses or take any blame. I view this as Step 1 into Affairland.

There are probably a lot of things I might say to Waywards getting into an affair or contemplating it and Number 1 for me would be: Most of the time your spouse is NOT going to feel the same away about you they did before they found out. They're not gonna trust you the same, they're not going to respect you the same, and they probably are not going to love you the same. For me, love has elements of respect and admiration....I don't feel that for a cheater, even if I might be fond of him.

People do try to recover, sometimes for the kids and money, often I think it's just fear of change or wanting to go into old age with someone. I say to hell with that, it's not real anyway. I don't think most people have the same feelings for their spouse afterwards that they did before. You don't get it back in most cases. Oh, people pretend but...key elements are gone or broken.

So unless you want that as the outcome, unless you really ARE willing to risk that and throw your marriage away...don't risk it. It's NOT worth the risk. Don't trade gold for plastic. If you're willing to do that, you might as well dump the marriage anyway as you don't think much of it, and your spouse won't think much of you either afterwards. Oh, a lot fake it and pretend how much they've learned blah blah....but you're not gonna trust them again, and you won't have that same kind of goo goo eyed admiration again. It's a permanent stain on your relationship. This is why I almost ALWAYS advocate for divorce or at least a lengthy separation afterwards....it gives the BS time and space to heal with out dealing with a cheater and it gives the Wayward an opportunity to evaluate their own life and wants without guilt....because may you just DON'T want to be married anymore, or not to this person. How are you going to know honestly without trying it out for a while.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts so honestly.

I completely understand what you mean — once trust is broken, something inside of us changes forever.
I feel that too. It’s like a part of the love we once knew becomes unreachable.

And yet, for some reason, I couldn’t just walk away.
Maybe because I needed to understand why.
Not to excuse it — never — but to somehow make sense of how the person I loved for so long could live a life I never saw.

I know the love will never be the same.
But I’m trying to learn whether something different, maybe deeper or more honest, can grow from the ruins.

Your words remind me that healing doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine —
it means facing what was lost and still deciding who we want to be after.

Don't blame yourself, LvS. You have to make your own decisions and do what is right for you. That might be leaving or staying - whatever you think is best FOR YOU. My favorite infidelity advice person, whom I never see referred to on here and I assume there's a reason so I won't say her name, but she has what I think is the ultimate question for any marriage or close relationship: IS THIS RELATIONSHIP ACCEPTABLE TO YOU? Each of us has to decide that and we all have our needs and boundaries.
I stayed because I didn't think I had viable alternatives. I still don't. It's just my reality. Fortunately he's a very good man, and I am fond of him. I don't have the romantic love I once did, but I do love him as a friend, so it's not as bad as it might be, I just wish we could do a number of things we can't, largely because of the economy. C'est la vie.

I have come to realize that my most important need is for respect - both giving and receiving. I don't really know what "love" is, I assume for most people it's some kind of romantic feeling of affection, adoration, sexual attraction, whatever. Personally I value respect more highly because I need to think well of who I'm involved with and that they think well of me. I will fight for that. With anyone. And alas, I think it's something people don't discuss and let go of too easily. So I would advise people to consider the element of respect and what it means to them - perhaps something, perhaps nothing, perhaps different from me, but too often I think BS are too accommodating and too willing to be easy coming, when maybe they should just get up on their hind legs at the start, when they find out, and start roaring. And setting limits. And possibly punishments. Because I don't think people value what they don't get without consequences. I let him know in absolute terms that I would not tolerate this behavior. That's my limit. Now he could have told me to go to hell but he didn't, so here we are.

I do hope my story has helped some. I'm a hard ass and I don't expect everyone to be like me, LOLOLOL. I just think whatever we are, we must be true to ourselves and authentic with each other. Sometimes the relationship will work based on that and sometimes it won't, but we have to live with ourselves first and be comfortable with our own decisions.

You'll get it right for yourself, just figure out and understand your limits and boundaries and make sure you enforce them. Do give yourself plenty of time and whatever you need to heal and always know....this isn't your fault. But once we know of infidelity what we do afterwards is our responsibility - especially to ourselves.