SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just before New Year's Eve, I discovered by accident, when I was using my husband's phone, that he had been unfaithful at Christmas, when some messages from a woman came through. I am devastated.

I am 40 and he is 42. We've been together 23 years, since I was 17 (my only ever boyfriend or person I've kissed etc). We have a 6 year old child.

For the initial weeks after finding out, I was very much drip fed the information and my husband struggled to tell me the truth, so he left our family home, and went to stay with his parents. He said he knew it would break my heart and couldn't tell me, so he ran away from it instead.

Over the following weeks, from speaking to my husband and then messaging the affair partner (I got her number from his phone), I started to get the truth. He had had an emotional affair for 10 months with the woman who is 16 years younger (she works at the same place he does; he is staff and she is a PhD student) and they had been messaging, she had sent provocative photos, they often hugged at work, he would tell her regularly that he liked her and thought she was beautiful, and then his messages to her became more sexual in December. Then, at the Christmas night out, she was holding his hand and putting it on her thigh under the table, and she then asked him to go home with her, where they kissed passionately, got into her bed, he pleasured her with his hand and he then gave her oral sex (I only found out about the last part in February, as he said he knew that would be unforgivable).

After leaving the family home when the affair very first came out, my husband initially appeared to be considering a relationship with her, however, after he'd been gone a few days, he said he'd had clarity and missed me and our little girl, our life together, and realised he had been living a fantasy that wasn't real, and he wanted to come home to try and work at his marriage.

I allowed him to come back and we started MC, and things were going reasonably well under the circumstances but I was absolutely devastated and really struggling about what he'd done. However, it then came out about the oral sex and that just felt too much for me to take. I also discovered he'd been painting a terrible picture of our marriage to friends to justify his cheating. After this, my mental health started to really suffer.

For a while, my husband started to get upset or angry whenever I brought things up or asked questions, as he said he couldn't cope with the guilt and was terrified I would divorce him.

Now, he is fully supporting me, he is taking care of the housework/looking after our pets etc. due to how depressed I am and how little energy I have (I have severe depression with suicidal thoughts from this and I'm on medication). He is doing the majority with our child/school runs etc, and has taken time off work himself due to stress and to look after me because of how I am feeling. He seems very remorseful and is extremely sorry for what he's done, he will talk to me and answer my questions, he attends IC and MC, and he is trying to make me feel special by saying and doing nice things. He cut off contact with the woman almost straight away and confessed to his managers, who put things in place so they don't see eachother at work (she will be moving away very soon as her PhD is ending). He also sent a very firm message to the other woman to say he never wants to see her again, and he blocked her, and even changed his number. He also arranged for me to meet with his friends and he explained to them that he hadn't been truthful and wanted me to be able to ask them any questions I have.

I just feel so unbelievably hurt and empty and it has severely affected me. Sometimes I still want to be close to him and we'll hold hands, cuddle and we've been intimate. Other times, I am seething with anger and detest him, and just want a divorce. The hurt, betrayal and awful thoughts are constantly there.

He can't move out at the moment due to how much I'm struggling to cope, so he's living with me still and he says he's happy with that and is hanging onto hope that we can work things out and still be a family.

I am truly shocked at his affair as he's the last person on earth I would have believed would do this. I trusted him 100%. He said he got swept away in his mind because of things like money worries, daily stress and the fact we weren't as intimate at that time, so when he started getting attention, he started to believe that was better than what he had at home. He says now that he can see it was completely wrong and he should have put his energy into the marriage and he neglected it.

Regarding the other woman, she has borderline personality disorder and has a strong need for attention. He initially offered her support at work due to her mental health difficulties and they exchanged numbers, yet she immediately started sending him photos of her in bikinis or gym gear. She confessed to me in her texts that she liked the attention he gave her more than she liked my husband and wasn't that into him. However, she still invited him to her house that night, knowing he would destroy his family, and she wasn't even into him! She never touched my husband sexually and he remained fully clothed, but she told my husband what she wanted him to do to her. She also said there are 2 other other much older married men she is trying to pursue at work. When my husband told her I knew of the affair, she said she is used to dealing with angry wives and she's done it before. I am obviously beyond disgusted at my husband, but also at this woman who has played her part in destroying our family, and for nothing.

I don't know what to do. Please can I have some opinions. Thank you for reading.

[This message edited by Janine84 at 8:32 PM, Tuesday, April 8th]

First, I am sorry that you have experienced this betrayal. Second, what you are feeling is not abnormal. You have undergone a trauma, similar to the death of a loved one. You are going through the well known stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining. You are a mixture of emotions like sadness, bewilderment, red hot anger, grief, fear, worthlessness, horror, uncertainty, humiliation, panic, confusion, and many others. In this state you should not be making major decisions like whether to divorce or reconcile. Let things settle for you. You already have an IC, so that’s a good start. Attend to your physical needs. Make sure you are eating well. Exercise. Try to sleep. And obviously, while suicide may seem a way to escape, why in the world should you give your life away because he chose to pleasure a horrible woman? Why should your child live without a mother?

Your husband picked a promiscuous woman to have sex with. You both need to get checked for STI’s. Oral sex is a pathway for many venereal diseases.

You have arrived at a good place. There are many caring and experienced people here who will offer you support and advice. Please know that you are not alone and that you will find your way out of this misery. It will not be fast and there will be setbacks. But you will make it one step at a time.

Janine84,

I found out about my Husband’s infidelities around the same time as you, I don’t have any expert advice as I’m up and down with my emotions too but I just wanted to say that you are not alone and what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Your main priority in life for the time being is you, let your H take care of everything including your child and please note that mom guilt does not exist right now, the only thing that matters right now is that you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Keep posting on here it really does help, take care.

Janine84: Heartbreaking behavior from your husband for you and your child. I agree that these events are traumatic. So overwhelming. Try to focus on your and your child:s needs right now. One moment at a time. It was so hard for me to focus at work and keep my emotions together - events from my dday. Exhausted just from trying so hard not to cry all day. Then finally getting in my car alone after work and the tears couldn't be stopped. Only to come home and put a different face on in front of my kids. Such a cruel thing to do to your loving and faithful spouse - cheat on them, and lie to them. Believe the rest of us BS, that the WS behavior is all their own and has nothing to do with us. They would be this way no matter who their spouse, children, parents, siblings, etc. are. This doesn't help it hurt less. It just is. My children kept me focused on the important things, and I doubt that I could have gotten this far without them. It is so great that you have reached out to your doctors and us for support. These are great choices that will help you heal and move forward with or without your WS. Honestly, I am still having a hard time accepting what my WS has done to our love story and why I even chose him to begin with. My IC has been helping me through this stuff. I pray that your suicide thoughts will be replaced with thoughts of hope, love, and patience for yourself. Do this for yourself, and your child, and for the rest of us here. We all need each other - and you.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're joining us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are very helpful. There are some that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that have a bunch of great information. I'll try to bump them tonight so they're closer to the top. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources, too.

I hope you're able to get IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist. Some of what you're describing is betrayal trauma. Please be watchful because some people can have PTSD or some very similar symptoms.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Dr. Glass has some really great information on setting boundaries because it sounds like his are pretty crappy.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs (both of you) because there are some pretty nasty diseases out there that turn into cancer and can kill you. His behavior has put your medical health at risk, on top of what the betrayal trauma has done to you.

Recognize that it will take you 2-5 years to heal from the infidelity, if not longer...and that's not including any relationship work you're doing if you choose R (reconciliation).

What would you like to do? You don't have to decide today or tomorrow. You may need to heal some before you start to get an understanding of what you'd like to do. You may wish to go see a barrister to find out what D (divorce) would look like. It doesn't mean that you have to D, but it will give you knowledge and knowledge is power.

I am so very sorry for your betrayal. It had to be a terrible holiday period, and no doubt you were and are in shock. Be kind to yourself.

It sounds like perhaps your husband is coming out of the fog and beginning to be honest and respectful of your rightfully fragile state. You don't have to make any rash decisions. Just watch, wait, feel and trust your gut.

Do you have full access to 10 months of phone and credit card records? If I followed your post, they "flirted" for 10 months, but only got together one time around Christmas and he stayed fully clothed (??!). Maybe, but Hmmmm . . .

Since he is trying to be honest and open, I would ask him to sit down with you tonight (or soon) and together go over all the credit card statements, his email and texts, and his cell phone records. Plan your review session, work time and child care appropriately so you won't be interrupted. Don't give him a head's up, so he can alter things.

If he truly is telling the truth and coming out of affair fog, he will gladly go over all of this with you, and make sure you have complete access any time you want it. If he has employment credit cards and/or email/ cell records, he can ask for copies knowing that he has nothing to hide. If he is sincere in his efforts to show he is sorry, he will do the legwork without complaint. It is exhausting if you have to try to research it all yourself without his cooperation. I know from experience!

The worst possible outcome here is that everything is not disclosed and you are getting trickle truth. You will be able to tell by his mannerisms and thoroughness in disclosing.

You have been traumatized. Let him make dinner, wash the dishes, vacuum the rugs, clean the toilets, put the baby to bed, AND prove to you he has disclosed everything.

Prayers for healing.

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to respond to my post. I haven't worked out how to reply to each person individually so I'm just writing a group response; I hope that's okay.

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your replies so much and I've been taking time over the last few days to read through everything and to listen to your advice. I've also been looking through the pages on this site for help and guidance.

I'm sorry that you're all here too and in horrible situations. I have never experienced a pain like this. I believe this website will help me so I'm going to make sure I visit regularly.

Thank you all.