SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ww will shortly be in the past, I've given up a lot in the last years trying to bring her happiness I have forgotten who I really am. Friendships have drifted apart, family have been neglected.
She and my son have been my entire life and I'm not sure how to be my real self again.
How do I connect with people again without it looking like I'm oy back because I need them.
I'm not good at being alone.
I am an introvert and love peace and quiet when ww was out for the day but also had peace knowing she would be back.

Soon I will be living alone with some days access to my boy, but other days I will be in an empty house.

What have you done to get through this?

I re-connected with old friends and kept my relationships with current friends and family. You can also join groups and find a hobby where you can meet other people. Did a lot of meditating and exercise. Also reading books on healing and seeing an IC helped.

I have re-discovered myself more than ever since leaving my xWS it has been refreshing. The peace of mind and not having to walk on eggshells everyday has been a blessing.

Spend quality time and bonding with your son by going to new places and doing new things together.

Once you get past grieving the M there is a whole world of discovery out there!

Please get a good therapist for yourself if you already haven’t. Reach out to a few people that you know will not judge you, are mature and positive enough. Journaling, picking up a few hobbies, excercising , motivational videos: all helped me tremendously.
Weed out negative people in your life, learn to assert boundaries in every sphere of your life.

What have you done to get through this?

What a brilliant question!

In no particular order...

Walking - long walks. Sometimes w/music blaring in my ear buds, sometimes with an audiobook, sometimes with silence

Rekindle old hobbies - w/me it is crochet. I've made many hats/scarves/blankets I donate to cold weather shelters plus I get to stab something with a stick and twist

Try new things - I've gone to a few book signings and meet/greets with my favorite authors. By myself because I am awesome company

Retail therapy on a budget - sometimes a new lipgloss or pair of sparkly undies boosts my mood exponentially (figure out what that equates to in dude land)

Take myself on coffee dates - slowly sipping and savoring each drop while imagine it refilling my sanity

Kayaking - in warm weather it is amazing and oh so peaceful

IC - I found a good one and while I don't go often these days, I do when necessary and mentally treat it as I would any other form of self care

Brunch with friends - sometimes I just ask a few friendly acquaintances if they want to go. Sometimes it is a group and I find myself having a good time. Sometimes it doesn't work and that OK - if I want to go I still do

Turn in to your faith - and that doesn't have to be limited to religion. Whatever you have faith in [be it God, the Universe, meditation, nature, etc.] go spend time with/in it.

Volunteer - find something that interests you and give a few hours of time. Could be a local animal shelter, faith based program or through scouting. Local libraries and community groups usually have a good line on who may need what. Great way not to be alone, do something worthwhile and maybe just meet some new people.

Coming here and posing the question was a good start. Please check back with us and let us know what you have tried and how it has worked for you.

I'm an introvert with a tendency to isolate, so I have to make myself go out.

One thing I did was volunteer for a local cat rescue and would clean the habitat at the PetCo on a weekly basis, or more. The lady who ran the rescue had to move out of state and close the rescue, so I'm currently on break.

I go out to do things that I haven't tried before.

Became friends with some local chefs at a restaurant. They've closed the restaurant, but will do pop ups. I follow them on social media and attend the events they're doing. I've met some wonderful people going to the events and had lots of fun.

Became friendly with a couple of local business owners. One has a kitschy store with antiques, new stuff and clothes. Another has a wine tasting room. (It will be another year or so before the grapes they're growing will be producing wine.) They will sometimes have classes. It's about a 10 minute drive out to some gorgeous scenery and sometimes there is music.

Swimming, walking, and working on my cooking skills.

it’s a funny thing, right? Not knowing who you are.

Spend some time writing down who you think you are. And write down who you used to be and what you used to like to do.

Did you used to have hobbies or activities that you really enjoyed? Try them again. I found I went back to some, and others no longer interested me.

Reach out to old friends. I found most of them were there for me - no judgements.

Say yes to everything. Bowling night? Sure. Cooking class? Why not. Class at the local college? Yes. Neighborhood picnic? Yes, and volunteer to help set up. Just expand what you do. Book club? Okay. Some you will enjoy, some you will love, some will be so-so, but all of them get you out of the house and trying something new and potentially meeting new people. Just say yes.

Try doing some things alone. Go to the gym, grab a bite to eat, see an author speak at the bookstore, join a hiking group, go to a concert or sporting event. It takes a time or two to realize that no one cares that you are alone and there is a real pleasure in doing things alone. Not always, but when you want to and there’s no one else - take yourself.

And I found IC helpful. I was very attached to the idea of being a partner/wife/spouse. I LIKED being that. It was hard to let go of it. Now I know that I can be that without losing me.

Good luck! And just keep swimming 🐟

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 2:23 AM, Thursday, January 23rd]

Thank you all so much, walking is definitely something I want to do, I am arranging some days out with colleagues to hike some local peaks.

[This message edited by Twitcher at 7:46 AM, Thursday, January 23rd]

What sort of IC should I be looking for? A marriage specialist or something else? I'm sort of new to counseling but open to look into it.

One mistake I made was thinking I HAD to fill that time. Initially, I was doing all sorts of things just to fill it. I felt like I had too. Then one day, I realized I did not HAVE to do that. That realization brought peace to some anxiety (that was self-induced).

I think what you are doing is a great idea. You enjoy walking and have begun to set up some events around that. But this is a great activity because you can do it solo when you need it as well.

Are there any walking groups in your area? There is a park by me that has events.

What about some single father groups? I dated a lot of fathers with primary visitation and they said they felt so isolated because many events were geared around single moms. So if your area does not have anything like that; do you know anyone in the same boat as you?

As for your ole friendships; if there are folks you would like to reconnect with, reach out. I have friends I do not see for years (cause life happens) but we are able to pick right up when we go grab a bit to eat, etc. True friends understand this. Also, not all friends are for life and that is ok too.

One thing I did not expect was looking in the mirror one day and physically SEEING the old me. It was such a bizarre feeling.

For IC, try a betrayal trauma specialist. They can help you with the trauma that goes along with infidelity. More importantly, you want a therapist that is a good fit for you and aids in your healing. You don't need a marriage specialist. Your marriage didn't cheat - your WW did.