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We are now 5 years from d day & nothing much has changed. WH is still here although will not do work needed to change partly because he will not take responsibility & partly because I think he wants still to leave.
AP is still hanging round & torturing me by gloating every time we see her. I believe she is a narcissist as she actually laughs openly in my face & even turned up to my late mothers wake.

WH says just move on and ignore her. I just want to move away. I have no evidence there has been contact between them although don’t think she has left his mind and certainly not mine. Any advice?

You need to remind your H that this woman is unhinged. She showed up at your mother’s wake? I am so sorry for you that you had to deal with that situation.

What the hell is wrong with the OW? And your H?

But seriously - you are in limbo. You aren’t truly happy and not fully R b/c your H is just going through the motions.

How sad. You deserve better. You registered here years ago. It doesn’t seem like you are any better off.

What are you doing for yourself?

Sorry you're going through this.

So, you have a quasi-remorseful WH (read non-remorseful) who has one foot out the door, an AP thats hanging around with whom you interract and who "gloats" as you say, and your WH minimizes the impact of those interactions.

You've given it 5 years and are no closer to true remorse & reconciliation. You are existing in marital purgatory (something I know a lot about) and it is no place to be.

I hope you are getting support in the form of therapy and being able to confide in trusted family and/or friends. I think it is also attorney time. Chart a course to extricate yoyrself from this toxic mess of his making and sooner than later. You can do it.

Strength, clarity and determination to you.

Gently, it seems to me that you let your marriage situation and the presence of the AP dictate your life for the past five years.

Ask yourself what is blocking you right now from initiating a change in your life to better your life. Is it fear of the unknown, is it anxiousness because of uncertainties, is it playing in the hands of being a victim to circumstances? Maybe more. It's really your call. You can get guidance from professionals or others to unblock you. But you have to seek it out and commit to doing what it takes to lead a better life for yourself.

I think after five years, you can figure out what a good life looks like for you with assistance from others if needed, and I wish you the best to find the best path for your life.

I really appreciate an outside view from you all and have come to the conclusion I am married to a man that has amazing compartmentalisation skills. All my family have passed over so emotional support is thin on the ground and if I am being truly honest, my blood family had so many issues that they were never there for me even when I was a kid.

I married what I thought was a lovely man and he has been throughout our marriage up until 2018. I probably due to my upbringing or lack of it, was just so grateful for any love thrown my way and was too easy going. Here we are some 36 years later and I realise what an idiot I have been. WH admits he has a serious problem with selfishness and I now see huge disfunction in his thinking and that of his mother. They have awful avoidance issues and self centred approach. I am trying to turn back the tide of this after 36 years of enabling the behaviour in my marriage. Finding out the OW has been around probably in one form of another for years has forced me to change my easy going attitude which is causing conflict. I am at the stage, I know I should walk away however its so hard.

So sorry you are experiencing this. It's been 5 years and not much has changed ------because you can't singlehandedly "turn the tide" on 36 years of marital dysfunction. It's great you're setting some boundaries, but realistically this may not be enough to shift the marriage. It takes TWO equally invested partners to recreate a marriage. His minimization of OW behaviors/effect on you and unwillingness to protect you from OW and former friends show HIS priorities = rug sweeping uncomfortable thoughts and avoiding uncomfortable situations, and hoping you'll just move on already. Gently, sounds like his needs outweigh your needs, so why should he work to make change since the status quo is working for HIM just fine? Being stuck serves his priorities. And he knows you're not going anywhere

Most important, it's been 5 years and you still don't feel SAFE. You must be in a constant state of hyper-vigilance - with mentally unstable OW popping up around town, dealing with her toxic incursion into former friend group, AND anticipating when that proverbial next shoe may drop - fearing H may suddenly go ahead and leave. Years of managing enormous stress can take a toll both mentally and physically. Gracey, this unsafe situation must be making you sick.... literally.

Life is too short to live this way. Somethings gotta give - hope the breaking point doesn't involve chronic stress related physical illness, or PTSD. Yes, it's hard to walk away. If you're not ready to end the marriage, is there ANY way to at least get some separation and space away from him and threat of OW for a while? A sane room where you can figure out what comes next? Is a trial separation in another town a possibility? Money doesn't grow on trees, but your sanity and physical health must be YOUR priorities - your wellbeing doesn't seem to be on his list of priorities.

Gracey, some respite from the daily limbo you struggle with could help to dial down the hyper-vigilance and help kick start healing. Turning your focus towards you WITHOUT him in your space, WITHOUT constant worries about "state of the marriage" AND the crazy town situation dictating every thought could help gain clarity - help visualize a different way to live. Maybe even prompt H to remove his head from his posterior - a trial separation and your willingness to shake up the status quo (lose the marriage to save the marriage) could be a wake up call. Bet after investing in YOU and taking some time away from the constant mental feedback loop that keeps you focused on his needs (at your expense), and after experiencing how it feels to be free of the town circus outside the front door, you'll feel strong enough to finally get unstuck.

Wishing you peace and healing, and the courage to put yourself first for a change.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 10:23 PM, Thursday, October 3rd]

Hey Gracey. So sorry you are going through this. I lived in the in-n-out limbo for 9 months and it was pure hell, so I have no idea how you have done it for this long and stayed sane. It is not a fun place to be.

Just answer these in your head without "thinking" about the answers: what are you afraid of if you leave? What are you afraid of if you stay? What does your life look like without your wh? What do YOU want your life to look like?

I think for me when I was in that 'should I stay or should I go' place, a lot of what paralyzed me was just fear. It helped me immensely to really dial into WHAT I was actually afraid of. Contemplating S and/or D is really scary - it's a huge change that impacts every facet of your life and it's okay and totally normal to be scared of a change that huge.

I just think you need to try as best you can to stop worrying about wh. Stop making plans around him. Stop worrying about what he thinks or feels. Strive for some emotional separation so you can have some space to take care of yourself and really hone in on what your needs and wants look like. That is easier said than done, but is really important.

Also want to say that no YOU are NOT 'causing conflict'. You expressing your feelings and thoughts about what HE brought to your life is not you causing conflict. You don't have to be easy-going about the ow, and if she is showing up randomly constantly, then ignoring her is really not going to be a possibility either.

I'll close with this - I agonized over the decision to leave but it was 100% the best decision I made (scary as fuuuuck to do too). My healing finally started when he left and my life has been more peaceful and fulfilling than I ever thought possible.