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My day used to consist of asking my H questions about his A. I would ask the same questions over and over and over and over , begging him to tell me what we mean to him blah blah. He did and never got mad or told me I was ridiculous , when I asked him if I was being repetitive he admitted that I have asked the same questions probably a million times literally but he would continue answering them.

Now I find myself opening my mouth and telling myself "you already know the answer"
"You don’t need to ask this again"
"This isn’t going to help you heal"

Then I find myself closing my mouth and not saying a damn thing because what is there to say? I find more silence from me now and it’s weird. I go to bed to avoid the silence and feel like I have nothing to offer to the conversation as Crazy as that sounds. My life has literally revolved around his A for a year, I feel lost.

So my question is did this happen to you? Is it a good sign? I like to think I’m finally realizing his actions have spoken louder than his words? Or am I giving up? I don’t know.

I still will ask questions but after I ask them I realize I did it to just keep reminding him he should be thankful we are still here and I already know the answer , to be fair it’s only once a day at this point but I feel afraid to let go of what he did and move on, seeing him happy makes me mad. I actually asked him how he can laugh and smile and he said "because I still have you and the kids and I’m thankful" meanwhile I still feel like I’m holding my wound shut or maybe picking at it idk .

I got to that point. I realized I'd rather silence than hear bullshit or a lie.
I used that time instead to focus on me.
I also started making a spreadsheet - dates/times/triggers-things that bothered me-things that I wanted to know - etc. Then I let them sit. If they bothered me in a few days or so AND I felt like I may get a truthful answer I asked. We either had a good and productive discussion or he'd give me some line and I'd just stop talking, mentally shake my head, and go about the business of doing something productive - could have been cleaning, crochet, scooping cat litter, anything.

Looking back, I realize that's when I was leaving the Shock & Awe phase and entering the POLF.

It is part of your healing journey. Focus on you and your healing during this time.

This was my experience exactly. The first year was all A talk, all the time. I liken it to chewing all the flavor out of a piece of gum. My H was like yours. He was patient and would sit with me and answer any questions I had. Over and over and over.

It was also a year of hysterical bonding. And then that died down. The second year was harder than the first in many ways. The excitement was gone and I was left with the pain without the thrills, even if they were shitty thrills.

The POLF is likely the next part of your journey. Like Chaos said, focus on yourself. Be good to yourself. Seek out something that’s just for you. I took a creative writing class. Go out with girlfriends.

Now I find myself opening my mouth and telling myself "you already know the answer". "You don’t need to ask this again"
"This isn’t going to help you heal".

Ask a thousand times if you have to. It will help you heal and find the truth. Literally. You'll know when you're done asking and when you're at peace with the answer.

And you have every right. You go!

The heartbreak from "the incident" will never pass, but it is possible if the wrongs are named, to move past this.

"Then I find myself closing my mouth and not saying a damn thing because what is there to say?"

It's not clear from what you say, is it him who's closing your mouth because he's making you feel bad for asking? That you think you're harassing him by asking? Or have you come to the conclusion your conversation has truly come to an end? It sounds like you've given up being understood, either way, which happened to me too.

Again, ask him now. Talk. There won't be another time. Scream if you have to. Talk quietly when you have the energy and space. But don't give up yet if you know there is more space. Whatever decision you make will be based on the answers you get now, overt or subtle, no matter how long it takes, or what they are. Pay attention to the response and nuances from him. It's so hard I know.

I know you're exhausted. He caused all this and you have to do so much work to fix it. But please, lay the groundwork for a clear decision ... for yourself. No one else. Maybe he can be included. Only you will know that.

Move on into your future with as much clarity as you can find so you're free of doubt in your decisions.

Ask your questions a million more times. You have every right.

"seeing him happy makes me mad. I actually asked him how he can laugh and smile ... because I still have you and the kids ..."

Oh yeah! I remember that! Seeing him happy after made me so angry. He just wanted everything to get back to "normal".

Keep asking the questions.

Sacred , I was scared the POLF was next and I am starting to realize I am slowly getting there. With the work that he has done and the shitty excitement wearing off I just have nothing really to look forward to. I am thinking those questions were helping us bond but I know the answers already and I’m trying to bond more? Idk. Hysterical bonding is closing but now we are finally back to making love which may be the first time for him since he was a porn addict. Idk.

Tomorrow I have dinner plans with my SIL and I’m back in the gym pretty hard and starting a new tv series so hoping that helps me but I feel so hollow now it sucks.

Elica

My questions have moved on from the "did you like her underwear?" Questions etc but moved on to more of "how could you do this to us, what do you think caused it?" "What do you regret the most?" "Why are you happy we stayed?" Those kinds of things because the other questions he’s already answered and I just don’t feel the urgent need to ask them anymore. They used to come out like word vomit and I couldn’t take them back. Now I feel I know enough about the A to see it perfectly clear and the questions are just unnecessary and aren’t helping anymore. I will say that I occasionally will ask him what he saw in her or what in the actual hell he was thinking but other than that I’ve seen photos of her recently because I still pain shop a little and she is nothing to look at and nothing in her brain worth a second glance , I know he chose her because he was low and needed a boost , all the pieces fit.

I just feel like sometimes things are okay and I’m not hurting and my brain immediately goes to "you need to keep asking questions and make him feel like crap" it sucks because i know I don’t want to or need to. I think I am trying to avoid the nothingness feeling. I would rather feel hate and disgust than feel nothing if that makes sense? He has never shut me down with asking questions and he doesn't make me feel bad for asking , Our counselor has made it very clear that this will take a long time and then he has to be patient and ever since he mentioned that in the beginning, he hasn't tried to rush my healing.

I guess the best way that I can describe it is I feel empty inside maybe even a little bored? I guess maybe my body got so used to the up and downs of the aftermath.

Chaos

Thank you for that. Just like sacred said I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m starting to move towards the plane of lethal flatness. I also have been fighting my triggers, pretty bad and trying to really recognize what’s causing it. I went to a restaurant this past week with my husband and his family. That’s right by the hotel that he slept with her at. He asked me if I wanted to have him ask his family to move it somewhere else and I told him no that it was his mom‘s birthday and I was just going to have to handle it. We were in the car and I was reading ways to, work past a trigger because he was driving and he actually asked me to talk to him because he was feeling uneasy and sick and I told him he had to deal with his own feelings because I was too busy dealing with mine and he understood. I can now see the memories of what he did are awful for him. We both made it past it and enjoyed dinner but I went to bed shortly after getting home. I was emotionally drained.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 1:15 PM, Thursday, September 26th]

This is where I have been the past 6+ months and I started a thread on it just a few days ago in Reconciliation. I do believe it is the POLF but lately I have just been wondering if it's something more than that as it's not getting any better over time, in fact I feel more and more disconnected by the months. Time will tell if it's the POLF and something that passes or if it's me just checking out. I have nothing to say to him, I pull away more and more, just can not be bothered most of the time anymore to fight for us.

BTDT. My reco is to change your question to, 'What's the positive outcome I hope this question will get for me?' Then go directly for the positive outcome you seek.