SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WS and I were talking the other day, and I said how the A still seemed surreal, even though my logical brain has now accepted that it happened. The infidelity happened in January and seems to have been a one-off, one-time (planned) random meet up. (I still use the word ‘seems’).

My WS agreed and, after apologising for his actions again, said that he, too, felt the same, like his actions were from another world. He found it hard to recognise himself now in his actions and behaviour during his infidelity.

This was very comforting in some ways (he can see that the behaviour was utterly unjustified, etc., and his actions do not match the person he thought he was and now wants to be). Effectively, he could understand the horror of his actions from a third-person perspective now the bubble has burst.

However, I then wondered if this means he has separated himself from his own actions. In the past, he has acknowledged the need for a total overhaul of his coping skills and treatment of the family/me, but I wonder if he is making too much of a division between himself now and then.

Do you think this is a good way of him thinking or one tinged with denial?

Sorry I don’t know your story. A one off, one-time planned meet up with a stranger? So via a dating or hook up site? Or was it an acquaintance?

If so there were so many steps he had to go through to get to the point of having sex with that person. And he got caught first time? Are you sure you know the full truth?

My husband once said ‘it wasn’t me’ or some such nonsense. I said it was you, you chose this. You made decision after decision.

So no I don’t think it’s helpful. And any hint at ‘it wasn’t me’ was stopped. ‘Yes it was you’.

In your case - It was him and it wasn’t very long ago. He’s suggesting he was a good husband until one day in Jan 24 and then he became someone else for a day, then returned to being a good husband. I’m not convinced you know everything. I hope you do but to go from great partner to a hook up site one day in Jan? But sorry op but no I don’t think this is helpful.

It was a process of about three months: using dating sites, almost meeting other people, and then spending about 6 weeks planning a hook up on a married-person’s hook-up site (because, hey, everyone is into ‘polyamory’ these days).

This is as much as I know for sure. It fits all the evidence, but I am prepared to find more.

You are right: all of those steps. That’s actually the hardest thing to bear: so many chances to not go further and so many weeks being deceptive and nasty to me.

It all sucks.

My H also originally said he didn’t recognize the man he was as when he did what he did. He basically said he was two different people because he put his "real life" in a box on the shelf when he was with her but I remind him all the time it was still him. He gets very upset when he thinks about what he did and I know it is hard for him to face himself in the mirror almost every day.

Him facing himself took time , a lot of time , it has almost been a year and he is still working on it but he’s almost there.
I will say that it was hard for him to stomach what HE did to his family so it was easier for him to say "that version of him" did that.
He is starting to see that both of those men are/ were him.
There’s been times he has dry heaved thinking about it , it is very important that a cheater realizes there wasn’t some force that took them over but instead a million little things that lead up to it, boundaries being broken, lack of self respect , respect in general , etc.

I know when he started to dissect the man he is he was disgusted and that is what started his true changing vs the mask and deflection

Trust me I get it though looking back we both can’t believe it happened it’s like watching a horrible movie when I look back but it did happen and we are both aware of why it did and what needs to change so it doesn’t ever happen again.

That is the cognitive dissonance. The compartmentalization.

The true metamorphosis comes with when they look in the mirror and realize they WERE the person and they did DO this. And start owning that lock, stock and barrel.

** Not posting as staff **

Brilliant, Chaos. Immortalized in the Quotes thread in Fun & Games.