SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have always been very close with another couple. In Feb, our friend (the male half of the couple) died by suicide and my husband I did everything we could to support the widow (who is also a close friend). After a few months, they began having an affair and I found out by accident in July. I have done everything in my power to stop them from doing this but they insist they are in love and refuse to address any of the red flags surrounding their relationship. Now my husband is saying he does not want to work on our marriage at all and only wants to be with her. I don’t know what to do.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some others with bull's eye icons that are very good. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has the list of acronyms we use.

Sorry for the loss of your friend. Well, it's the loss of the couple, isn't it?

You may wish to start seeing an IC (Individual Counselor) to help you through the betrayal trauma that you are experiencing. Unfortunately, if your WH (wayward husband) doesn't want to work on your M (marriage), then you might as well get your ducks in a row. If you both aren't 100% in it, then R (reconciliation) really isn't possible. Try reading up on the 180, which is designed to help you emotionally distance yourself from him.

If you're having trouble with depression or sleeping, ask your doctor for some meds. Also, you'll want to be tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty diseases that can turn to cancer.

See a lawyer or 3, just to get some information about what D (divorce) will look like for you. Not saying you need to D right now, but knowledge is power and can help you understand more.

Sorry you're here.

I'm so sorry. Your husband is really a predator, preying on a woman grieving. Not that she has no blame here, but she is likely not thinking straight after something like that and desperate for comfort. IMO what he is doing is extra disgusting.

I do wonder if it's possible that something was gong on before her husband died.

Don't play the pick me dance with him. Take care of yourself; stay hydrated, go for walks. Do you have a therapist? That would be good idea.

You can't unilaterally stop your husband from cheating and save your marriage.

If they insist they're in love and want to be together, take them at their word. Go see a lawyer and tell him to pack his shit and leave.

I am sorry your WH did this to you. I know how hard this is for you to wrap your mind around these new circumstances. I am sorry. It's simply cruel. There are no other words to describe what he's done. He's a shit person and he's cruel and wanton. You are completely innocent and never in a thousand years could you deserve this.

Having said that, I hope you will not hurt yourself by trying to appease him. Most cheaters who decide to leave their BSs have a built in advantage. Their BSs are shell shocked and in indescribable pain. He is looking forward, not at you. Your best move is to secure what you have financially and get rid of him ASAP. He's gone.

See an attorney, or three. Take a good look at your financial accounts. Please don't play the pick me dance. Sometimes they (cheaters) get so that they are living in their heads about what fun they are having and getting served brings them back to reality fast. I'm not saying he'll come back, I'm just saying he might start lying to you to appease you, trick you or take advantage of you. You need to take advantage of any guilt he may have and strike the best legal deal you can. Maybe he wants a divorce so badly that he'll pay some bills he otherwise would not have. But get him out of the house legally, maybe a legal separation, and keep an eye on your valuables now.

May I ask how you found out? Did they or one of them want you to know?

So sorry you are in this situation. Youve gotten good advice: IC (if the first one isnt a fit try another one), see your doctor (STD testing, if you are depressed, anxious, etc), see an attorney, file for divorce.

Keep active, see friends, try journaling, a new hobby.

I am so sorry you are going through this. We should have been our spouse’s first priority. They should have had our backs not betraying us.
The most powerful thing I learned is that I needed to believe EXWH’s actions and what he said. He told people he was going to leave me. He cheated. I wish I had had the insight to just "let him" and not "fight" for the m.

Each person has to decide for themselves what is right for them. But an active wayward is not in the mindset to think of their betrayed spouse. And I personally should not have believed for one solitary minute that I was the one who broke the marriage or that I owed it to him or my religious beliefs to just forgive and forget once much less TWICE that I knew of.
I tell betrayeds that it’s been my experience that I needed to shift the focus from now ex wh to take exquisite care of myself. Eat well, Medical and mental health care from trauma-informed providers, legally protecting myself.

What I have come to believe is that let’s say the wayward now ex husband suddenly sprouted a conscious and does the hard work to become a safe spouse..well then I could have made a decision to give the marriage a go again. My decision to take myself out of being treated as not a wife would have been fully reversible. Not a one way street….

I am so sorry for you. Obviously you know you can no longer be friends with this woman. 😡😡😡

More importantly I think your H feels needed and it’s like the Knight in Shining Armor syndrome. He feels really good about himself now, taking care of the grieving widow etc.

I don’t know if there is anything you can do to change the situation. Sometimes the cheaters are too far down the "I deserve to be happy" path and are selfish to the core.

I think you need to start protecting yourself. Get a good attorney and get an idea of how D will affect you. Understand the process of D using mediation etc.

Change your will NOW so he gets nothing. Do not tell him you are going this however. You need to protect yourself now.

Get an exit plan together just in case. You just need to be prepared.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:28 AM, Wednesday, September 25th]

You can't unilaterally stop your husband from cheating and save your marriage.

This is the universal truth.

I don’t subscribe to waiting or playing the pick me dance. I don’t support playing manipulative games to get the WS back, to burst the affair bubble, to bust them out of their affair fog.

What I do wholeheartedly support in this situation, is following the WS’s lead, and he has lead you to believe that the marriage is over.

So, I would proceed to a lawyer’s office and begin the divorce process. Now, some may tell you that you don’t need to do this right away as you are in a state of shock and are probably not presently equipped to make big, life altering decisions. This is true, but the initial consultation with an attorney, will not involve any big decisions at this point.

Why is an attorney consult so important? An attorney consult is empowering, with a plan, with information, insight, confidence and hope. Hope, when you’re feeling at a point of absolute hopelessness and vulnerability.

There are three things you need RIGHT NOW: a friend and therapist to support you physically, emotionally, and an attorney to guide you through this wisely, safely. This team will holistically get you through the shock and grief and ensure an optimal outcome.

When you feel ready, you can get the divorce rolling, the sooner the better, as your WS is currently not thinking straight, is living in the moment, and while mired in affair fog, you take the initiative.

The initiative. Taking the initiative is highly valued in any ambition: love, business, war, surviving infidelity. It will grant you perspective, impetus, confidence, maneuverability, opportunity-options. Take the initiative, and maintain it, until you can extricate yourself from this mess, until you’re firmly out of infidelity, and where, exactly, you want to be.

The spectacle of a Betrayed Spouse taking the initiative, protecting their dignity, with grace, is something to behold. Sometimes, even the most infatuated WS, will take pause at this impressive and sobering sight, to seriously consider the gravity of what is about to happen, what they’re about to lose.

And, if at some point along the long road to divorce, your WS throws himself in front of you, into reconciliation, and convinces you to give him another chance, you can slow, pause or stop the process at any point, while still maintaining control and the initiative over your destiny along the entire journey.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:41 AM, Wednesday, September 25th]

He might have had an interest before the man’s death. She might have known. The death might be related. None of that matters. What matters is you getting out of infidelity asap. Get going on a lawyer. Push for your rights and go as low contact as possible. Let this become out of sight, out of mind. Those two are despicable and you need to get clear of them immediately. Don’t pain shop.

There was a very well know athlete who left his wife for his best friend’s wife. She is also very well known. Never saw anything about the betrayed wife but the betrayed husband said something very poignant, "I would have taken a bullet for the guy. But I didn’t realize he was the one who was going to pull the trigger." When your SO leaves you for your friend two of your supports are gone in a heartbeat. You will grieve and it will take a while. Give yourself time.

Read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical Spectacle. It is all about what lying does to the innocent.

In the meantime take care of your health. It is the most important job you have.

I was thinking along the same lines as Cooley regarding how long this has been going on... Was there ever a reason given for the husband’s suicide?
Not that it really matters per se, but if the affair had started previous to the death, then maybe your husbands conscience might be directing him towards having to commit to the OW as some tool to ease possible emotions of guilt.

Not that it matters...
In a marriage it’s enough that one wants out. The reason isn’t really that important, but rather the decision and the effort placed into implementing that decision.

Only... Keep in mind that most people have a totally wrong picture of divorce. In reality it is a fair process and it’s best left to the professionals. I think you would be well-set to take your husband seriously, and to initiate the process. Even if it isn’t what you envisioned or want.

Your H says he only wants to be with ow, so he wants out of your and his M.

But you can initiate the necessary action. Even though you're shell-shocked, the sooner you're away from them, the better.

If R were a possibility, I'd counsel waiting. Your H says R is not possible, so why delay the inevitable (unless you have a good reason to delay)?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:09 PM, Wednesday, September 25th]

There really isn't anything you can do to restore good sense to your husband. I'm so sorry for you though because this must be incredibly painful to lose both a spouse and a best friend at the same time.

See legal counsel and start to gather information. Surround yourself with support from other friends and family and get some mental health counselling for yourself to process this disaster. You cannot nice him back and convince him that this is insane, he doesn't care and the consequences are not your problem outside of the divorce.

Big hug. This sucks.

As nonsensical as this will sound, he is now your adversary. He cannot be trusted.

It’s unbelievable that your partner can go from best friend to traitor in the blink of an eye.

Sweet one, I know the confusion and heartbreak is overwhelming. I know you feel utterly untethered but you need to emotionally shelve that and plan a strategy. You are not in his daily equation now so this is the time to go.

Attorney, therapist and a circle of friends and family - make it happen. And not one word of this to him. This is the time you must look at your future. You are brave and strong and can create a brilliant plan.

I had a friend who fell in love w a coworker. She left her h, he left his w. He wound up miserable but could not leave. His money was tied up in child support and alimony so he stayed. She thought it was love.

Don’t think this is going to be all Hollywoody. In about 2 years the shiny new will wear off. In the meantime you will have moved on to enjoy life.

Cedar,

Not going to say anything started up before your friends suicide. Or to make excuses for your friend beginning an affair with your husband.

Grief does some strange things to people. Something I learned when attending a grief seminar after losing someone close to me, is that sometimes those experiencing grief sometimes become highly sexualized. Libido off the scales along with the need to feel loved. I couldn't fathom how grief could affect someone this way.

This could have happened to your friend and your POS Husband was there to take advantage of the situation. Either way his actions are despicable, you should take every step in taking care of yourself and your assets.

Take Care

This makes me so sad to read. How absolutely disgusting on many levels.

Please contact an attorney or three so you know your rights. And get tested - who knows who else has offered her such comfort

You can't smack him back to his senses here (although I get the temptation to try - heck I want to try on your behalf]. I'm so very sorry.

I’m in agreement that what your H thinks is so great now is not how he may feel next week or month or year.

You need to have a plan for what you will do if he decides to want to R.

It may be past the point of no return - meaning you have moved on and no longer want to R or remain married.

As for your so called grieving widow friend, you need to disassociate yourself from her and remove her from your circle of friends.

I feel so badly that you are facing such a loss in your life and you are in pain. But know it does get better — it’s just a slow healing process. Be good to yourself and keep posting here.

How are things going Cedar80?

I am so sorry for you and your situation. Have you considered some IC so that you can heal and work through your pain from all of this? So helpful.