Legatus
I am one of those that think it’s OK for someone to have friends of the opposite sex.
But then… I discern between "friends" and "acquaintances". Like – I have a couple of friends that I have known for years, people that would go to great lengths to help me in times of crisis, and people that I have reached out to in their times of need. Then I have acquaintances that might even come-and-go. This group incudes present coworkers, some past coworkers, people I met in college and uni, people from my angling club, neighbors and so on. I’m guessing that if I quit my present job some of my acquaintances there might become past acquaintances.
The former group – the friends – I would be ready to discuss anything and everything. The acquaintances… not so much. As "friends" I have maybe 10 people, of those maybe 2 female. Of acquaintances I guess it’s more like a 70/30 gender divided. Probably because the angling club is nearly all-male…
To me the big issue is NOT that if I have a female friend then I would automatically be sexually or romantically attracted to her, nor would I be more inclined to share marital issues with her. If a coworker were to make a sexual advance to me, it would be my role to thwart that advance. The guardians of my marriage, vows, integrity… is not based on the actions of others, but on MY actions and responses.
On a less radical level – if a female coworker were to share her marital issues with me I would automatically be placing MY borders on the extent of that conversation. Like – if she shared she has an physically abusive husband I would allow myself more involvement than if she shared he had erectile dysfunction. But I am also fairly certain that I would know and understand my role as a listener rather than a sharer, that at some point I would disengage and that some point I would reach a stage where this needs my wife’s awareness. It’s called boundaries, and those boundaries are enforced by US – as individuals.
Now – I can fully understand that infidelity completely shatters the trust and creates a need for very clear boundaries.
In some ways this can be compared to general advice to newly sober alcoholics. They are told to stay away from all establishments that serve alcohol, all event that offer alcohol and even the booze aisles at stores. Their families are advised to remove all alcohol from the house and to not offer beers or wine, even to the non-alcoholic members.
I guess fresh out of d-day a no-friends-of-the-opposite-sex rule makes sense.
But like the alcoholics… their total distancing from the problem isn’t recognized as a sustainable solution. With time they live to learn with the temptation in their environment but learn to resist – and eventually – ignore it.
A recovered alcoholic that is secure in his sobriety can confidently enter a bar with a group of friends and share a soda while they down their cocktails. Just like I could chaperone my drunkard brother-in-law to a strip-joint without falling to the temptation of a "special price" sexual favor from the working girls.
The boundaries are eventually within us.
Maybe it’s time for your wife and you to sit down and discuss this "no friends of the opposite sex" rule and define it better. Like – maybe she tells you when she’s interacting on a more friendly level with someone at work, why and how. Maybe shares what they chatted about. Maybe be clear where she can go with the convos (like you can talk generally about family, but not specific issues or kids). How that can be enforced and why it needs enforcement.