SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm a little lost here. My dday was four years ago, went back and forth for about a year, another dday and I filed. I haven't seen or spoken to my ex WH in years and have no desire to do so. He continues to harass me, with less frequency, but as recently as a few months ago. He desperately wants to be friends. Argh.

I have sworn off relationships because I'm still working on healing the trauma. I've had a few crap relationships with varying levels of abuse and betrayal. He was the straw that broke the camel's back, I suppose. I just can't bring myself to go near another romantic situation.

I've done copious amounts of therapy, in a variety of modalities, as well as meds (still in therapy). My main issue these days is high levels of anxiety and a bit of agoraphobia. The pandemic coming on the heels of dday probably exacerbated everything. In addition most of my friend group decided to play Switzerland and maintain relationships with him, so I have a much quieter and smaller social circle than I did pre dday. They don't fully know how horrendous he was and given they're still friends with him, I haven't gone out of my way to tell them. I really don't think it would make a difference if I did.

I guess what I'm dealing with now is the fact that I can't seem to get my footing. I'm not exactly depressed - I don't think - but maybe a little. I'm not lonely particularly. My life is different - less active and quieter and I think my confidence has taken a hit from the whole ordeal. There are many places I don't go because I don't want to run into him or one of his flying monkeys - it's a very small town I'm in. I just feel like I should've adjusted a bit better by now. It's been nearly 3 years of NC. The marriage was short - only two years. I don't miss him in the least - quite the opposite - I can't understand what I saw in him.

I try to push myself to go out and do things, adopted a new pet, etc.

Is this just part of the journey?

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 11:18 PM, Tuesday, December 5th]

Hey Skeeter, it's Superesse! I have thought of you so often.

Sounds like maybe a geographic cure is in order? (Know what you mean about small towns!)

Others will come along but I just wanted to send my regards. I'm still stuck in the same old same old....

Superesse!! I think of you often too!!

Funny you should mention a geographic cure. I'm going to start spending summers away this upcoming summer, with an eye towards maybe moving. It's complicated bc I have a disabled adult child, but I'm hoping even just getting summers out of town will provide a boost.

I felt "broken" for a long, long time after D-day. It was probably 5 years before I felt "not broken" and I still don't feel like my life is "normal" although a lot of that is wrapped in my post-divorce choices.

It sounds like you are doing just fine. Time heals all wounds and it sounds like you just need more time. Meaning, you are on the right path... you just haven't reached the end of that path.

I am 5 years out and still struggle here and there. Being alone isn’t a party.

You are doing ok. We all have our own journey

My DDay was Nov 2015. Separated Dec 2016.

I hear the uncertainty ... the not happy but not unhappy feeling.

I still don't entirely have my feet where I want them. I've done a lot of personal development and have been hurt multiple times trying new relationships. So painful. It's like scars on top of scars. I feel limbo.

Finding a new dream / new life is hard when we aren't where we want to be. Thats the biggest disconnect. My only advice is don't stand still. Making progress in some direction helps.

I didn't travel your path so take or leave what I say.
We all take a huge hot when we go through being a BS regardless of the outcome or how we get our of infidelity. It destroys self esteem despite it not being our fault.
That said to heal we have to make ourselves strong and happy. For me that was taking time for me to do things just for me. I picked up skills and hobbies that i always was interested in but never had the time or money for.
Beekeeping scuba cooking crochet riding a street bike. That said each of these things brought new people into my life and allowed me to grow and learn. I believe growing and learning is a huge part to being a happy person and feeling fulfilled. As you learn skills and meet people you find other things that others do that are cool and interesting and on and on it goes.
I'm a total homebody and love being home and alone. That said I do force myself to go out and about at least a couple days a week as I work from home. I make time to meet with close friends. Find your passion and do whatever you happy.

Thank you everyone. Sorry for my delayed response - I thought the thread was doa and stopped checking back ;)

It really helps to hear from all of you that this state of being neither here nor there is normal. I had a feeling I needed more time - something I'm loathe to accept, bc so much time has been lost to this debacle already.

I felt "broken" for a long, long time after D-day. It was probably 5 years before I felt "not broken"

I still feel broken, at least in part, and it's maddening and overwhelming. I want that part to be over.

Finding a new dream / new life is hard when we aren't where we want to be. Thats the biggest disconnect. My only advice is don't stand still. Making progress in some direction helps.

I'm moving forward with my relocation exploration, so that might offer a new direction if things pan out. I've also delved deeply into hobbies. Most are fairly solitary, but I'm still incredibly ambivalent about having a big social life again - some of it might be unhealthy and isolating, but also many people I trusted played Switzerland with the cheater, so I really feel the need to be super cautious about who I let into my life.

There this delicate balance between pushing yourself out there and taking the time to lick your wounds and cocoon in a safe place - I just don't want to get stuck forever in hermit mode.

We all take a huge hot when we go through being a BS regardless of the outcome or how we get our of infidelity. It destroys self esteem despite it not being our fault.

Ain't that the truth. I'm suffering a lack of confidence to a degree I never thought possible.

"I don't miss him in the least - quite the opposite - I can't understand what I saw in him"

I don’t miss EXWH at all. I do miss the things he took from my including my optimism, trust, safety and so many other things.
I can deeply relate to people not having the slightest idea who he really is. And good luck to them. A man who would betray the person closest to him in the world… good luck being his friend….

Sending positive wishes for peace, healing and new beginnings for you.

Skeetermooch, remember the old saying "the more people I meet, the more I like my dog!"

How's your fur baby? My heart dog passed at home last Thanksgiving morning, is buried on the hill by the wellhouse, and I started hunting another boy almost immediately, mostly to keep the aging girl dog company...and I was heartbroken and wanted a Rebound PUPPY.

Long story short, you will get a laugh out of this: after half a year searching the nationwide AKC marketplace, I ended up importing a boy pup that would be health-tested, from good lines, and would look mostly like the old boy the girl dog loved (and he had really loved her)...she cried at Christmas time when we took her on a trip to get away, as she always loved to open presents for everybody and he wasn't with us! Well, turns out this new young male pup is super jealous of her! Growls and grumbles every time we even look at her! It's almost scary. If he gets loose he chases her down in the house and since he's already as big as she is, she's had to use her teeth and growl at him, for the first time in her 10 years of life! This has been going on for several months, so I don't see it changing. I feel bad the new beginning for my girl dog is so bumpy.

She went from a long-time love match to a new, younger "boyfriend" who is so damn clueless how to win her over that he keeps pissing her off in her old age...I can SO RELATE!!!

Hope your holidays are peaceful!

I can deeply relate to people not having the slightest idea who he really is. And good luck to them. A man who would betray the person closest to him in the world… good luck being his friend….

Exactly how I feel. If that's who these people want for a friend - they can enjoy all of that.

It's as if I'm not just recovering from the cheating trauma but really starting over - learning how to truly trust myself, weeding through who I will keep or not keep in my life with much more discernment and far less tolerance, shifting my orientation to people, place etc. It's monumental.

Superesse,

My dog and my cat passed last year, late summer - they were 15 and 19. I was pretty heartbroken, still am I suppose. I just adopted a new cat a month ago - ended up with a kitten, which I really didn't want but that's how it goes. He's super cute and turning our lives upside down ;)

I'm so sorry you lost your boy. It's so difficult. I hope the new pup finds his place!

Aw Skeeter, I can just imagine! New Beginnings in mid-course are hard enough, without losing the sweet souls of animals who loved us so unconditionally.

The new pup tried his best to upset tradition around here, yesterday, at gift opening. Missy got to open the first present (a big red ball for him and a smaller ball for her) but he barked so much at her - from inside his wire crate with me sitting next to him - that she decided it wasn't a good idea to keep doing her traditional job. I tried to offer him a piece of each present through his crate bars to nibble on, but what he was upset about was HER getting to do something with a people present that HE couldn't! I was disappointed when she decided it was better to just go lay down and chew on the heavy cardboard of the first thing she unwrapped; I had to do the rest of them. Finally, we had to move him out of the room and put him to bed in his sleeping crate. He conked out for 3 hours, he'd worn himself out throwing a fit!

But the rest of the afternoon she seemed subdued. I know who she was missing and why she was seeming a little quiet. I told her we cannot bring the dear old boy back. But this one isn't making her life easier, for sure. I hope it's just his teenage male GSD phase at 9 months, too much testosterone?