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I googled the meaning of Reconciliation but would like the members on the forum to explain to me what this means, in practicality.

Myself and BS talked and I am reading to him all these books and posts and and and and he asked me this question after I once again said, maybe this will help. He asked me help with what? What do I expect to achieve?

I am reading and everybody say basically life as you know it will never be the same. You will never had what you had before (On this BH say that when I had it, I did not want it and throu it away and he will never give it back) So what is the purpose to reconcile for the BS?

Myself as WW understand why and what I want back what I had and struggle knowung I will never have it back.

Reconciliation: what does it actually mean

For ME...R means when BOTH parties are ALL IN to get on a path they can be at peace on . If one person doesn't want to be in R...then R won't work.

Life will never be the same after ANY trauma. We have to move forward...but it takes some people longer than others.

I think reconciliation is two people committed to their own healing and mental health, and to each other. It's basically the same as any healthy relationship, though it also includes the WS understanding the nature of trauma and what the BS is dealing with. That doesn't mean that a WS is qualified to heal a BS's trauma (that's something we need to work through on our own, seeking outside help if we need it), but they must create a safe space for the BS to process it.

I agree with the answers already from other members — the key to what R can be is based on the effort of both people rebuilding the relationship.

We all handle and recover from trauma at a different pace and our own way.

If your BH is asking what you hope to achieve, the bigger question may be, what does he hope to achieve?

My M is not the same, but in many ways it is far better than ever before.

Our M is better because of what we BOTH wanted. We wanted to be all in and vulnerable. We wanted to rebuild trust, to be honest and kind to each other.

It took a LOT of work to get here.

I will always HATE what happened, but I am also able to focus on who my wife is today versus only seeing the trauma she caused. Not everyone makes it to this point.

Ultimately, I don’t want life to be the same as it was before the A. Before the A we had blind trust and made bad compromises to hold our M together on a wing and a prayer. Blind trust is never a good way to live. Trust is a lot like love, it needs to be built and rebuilt over time with some effort.

Once we chose to give it one more chance we made something far stronger than before. We have learned to communicate far better, and far more honestly than before. My wife’s boundaries are much stronger than ever, we give to each other instead of take from each other. And as noted, I will always hate what happened, but I can appreciate how we chose to overcome the horrors of in infidelity and give our M one last real chance to thrive.

For me, R means that we've moved past the need to put an asterisk on it. IOW, we're not settling, we're with the person we have chosen.

I stayed with my fWH because I still loved him and because he cleaned up his side of the street. I don't want him spending the rest of his life with me treating him like a bag of trash. He did awful things and those things were largely about his inner view of himself and how out of balance his character had become. He has worked through that to my satisfaction, even though in the beginning stages of R that was a matter of "work in progress".

There are lots of reasons why people might stay together and keep their marriage going. To my view, that's not necessarily R though. If it's about paying bills and raising kids and not giving up your lifestyle or social status, it's not about the relationship. R is about the relationship for me. It's about being with the person you WANT to share your life with.

If there's a "used goods" dynamic in place, that's not R. It might be understandable in the JFO stage when people are still on the fence, but it's no place to settle because it's no place to live. My fWH did some very bad things, shocking things, things which earned him a divorce. It was MY choice to forego that divorce and my reasoning was love. I couldn't call it love if I treat him like a substandard human. R isn't a one-way street. It's not just about the WS proving their love, we have to love back. I didn't want misery for him. If I had wanted misery, the quickest and most effective way to get it would have been to trundle him off to that last OW.

Interesting question, if I'm reading correctly. "What is the purpose of reconciliation for the BS?" For me, my FWH had to show me that reconciliation was worth it by his words and actions. I thought I was in reconciliation for a long time. But, I was really in recovery/survival mode. No, my M will never be the same. AND, in many ways it is better than it was before. FWH had to show me that it was worth the work on my end. It was hard for me to believe that I was worth the work when he threw me away during the A. For me, reconciliation is the daily leaning into each other. We have more of a balance now. He considers my wants and needs much more than he did in the past. And, demonstrates that to me daily. Not that I was a perfect wife pre-A, I'm getting much more appreciation from him now. And, frankly, I appreciate him more. But, it is a daily thing. I confessed to our MC once that I wasn't sure I had enough love for him to get through this. Wise man told me that this is the crux of any relationship. There are no guarantees, even if vows and rings are exchanged.

You are in a different marriage now. I don't know how long you're out from DDay, but early days neither of us were sure we wanted to continue. FWH said he was all in early - but I think he had to do that to get me to lift the slightest finger in effort. Being the BS is a life altering event. You never see anything else in the world the same. And, you have to process knowing that your actions dealt that blow to your BS. Also, as the BS you have to own your own recovery. For the longest time, I couldn't hear my FWH give any sort of validation or comforting words to me without thinking he was a lying sack of sh*t. It has been nearly 4 years and I still have "trust but verify" moments with him. He's also sensitive to me needing to keep myself safe....from him. I have a lot more boundaries with him and frankly everyone now.

Eventually, IF you want to, reconciliation means that you work through all the discomfort to come together to get through recovery and on to planning a new life and marriage together. But, both parties have got to equally put in the effort....and being the BS is so devastating that many days we question whether it is worth it at all or if we'll ever be happy again in those early days.

"Myself as WW understand why and what I want back what I had and struggle knowung I will never have it back". This sounds like something you're sad that you've lost, even if it's by your own doing. Is there a way you can convey that to your BS? I'm sure you're trying to apologize.....but, if you can connect your feeling of this loss and your regret for your part in this.....that is a powerful emotion to connect with your BS. It means that you may also have to work VERY hard not to get defensive if your BS needs to convey his feelings of the betrayal too. Are you in MC? These are some skills that our MC taught us. When my FWH could do this, that was VERY meaningful to me. Saying sorry is one thing, but being vulnerable enough to express this remorse for the tremendous mistake made, is big. None of us are ever JUST our mistakes. (Not that I'm condoning A by any stretch).

Honestly, I needed to know that my FWH felt like human trash for a period and to see him struggle with the consequences of his actions. I needed to hear how that made him feel. Of course, every inch of my body thought that it served him right....for what he'd done...at the time.

It is a hard process for both.

What ChamomileTea said.

What CT and Emergent8 said.

I'll add that I never wanted to go back to what we had, because what we had was an excessive vulnerability to an A. People spend a lot of energy repeating themselves. Why go back to something that is likely to fail again?

You did a horrible thing, but it seems as if you're changing yourself. My guess is co-dependence was an enabler for your A. My guess is also that co-d is part of your desire to R.

But your H seems to have no interest in R. He seems to want to punish you for the rest of your life. That's not R, and it's not good for you or for your H or for any kids.

It takes 2 to R. Usually the BS is willing but the WS isn't. In your case, you seem willing, but your BS isn't. But unless both partners do their work, R is impossible.

Oh me.. What is reconciliation?

I caught my then fiancée getting ready for a date with a piece of shit she met at work where he was a contractor. A year and a half later, after I'd spent enormous effort on trying to make it work, and thought she was recommitted to me, I find the POS in her bed one morning. That wasn't reconciliation... (It was a false reconciliation though.)

I was still trying to make it work (idiot me), while also attempting to move on. Late one night I found her waiting for me outside the apartment of a girl I had started dating. She swore up and down I better not have plans with anyone else and she followed me home and stayed the night. The next morning she woke up and cried "this was a mistake, this was a mistake..." and left in a huff. That wasn't reconciliation...

About two years later she shows up somewhere she knows I'll be, contacts me, and then starts to visit (while still living with the POS of course). A couple months after that she moves out to her parents, and we start seeing each other again. I was beyond ecstatic. She insisted on one last visit with the POS (that I massively regret agreeing to). That wasn't reconciliation...

Our relationship resumes, we barely if ever speak about her cheating with the POS or her time with the POS. A couple years after that, we got married. Twenty five years later I made a decision to improve the quality of our marriage. We weren't as close as we should have been, and we succeeded in moving the marriage to much better ground. But unfortunately, at the same time, all that pain from so long ago came back to haunt me. That wasn't reconciliation... I thought during all the years of marriage we had at least reconciled the cheating, but we'd only rug swept.

Forward to a few years ago, I'm still trying to get all my questions answered. When I ask her something about her and the POS, she typically gets upset and angry that I "won't let it go." I get upset because I need to have a marriage that's not filled with secrets she had with another man. This goes on for months, a few years... That wasn't reconciliation...

It's present day and after a couple of weeks where I really upset her with incessant questioning, and I still don't understand the whys, we finally have a discussion without her going all angry on me and accusing me of needing psychiatric help (maybe I do, maybe I don't)-a discussion where she, almost calmly, answered some questions and we had a productive and civil talk. We moved forward quite a bit and I think maybe she's starting to understand what I need. After a year of reading a little here and a little there, she seems to have finally committed to reading all of the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair. We love each other, a lot, and we're closer than we've ever been. It still doesn't seem like reconciliation yet, because I still need answers to understand why I had to go through what has, and will, affect my life forever. But we're getting there, to reconciliation...

If anyone knows the true answer to exactly what reconciliation is, please let us know... But truly, I won't be holding my breath.

I think real reconciliation is probably always going to be a work in progress...

[This message edited by Adolfo at 4:14 AM, Wednesday, December 14th]

I think real reconciliation is probably always going to be a work in progress...

👆I agree.
I wonder if here are any members from the beginning that "made it"
Years and years and years later 😭

I wonder if here are any members from the beginning that "made it"

To me, all relationships are a work in progress. The more both people team up together to grow and love each, the better it goes.

That’s for before and after the trauma of infidelity.

And while I don’t think there is such a thing as spiking the football at the end of recovery, my wife and I have certainly ‘made it’ to the other side of infidelity.

We’re happier and closer than ever before. We never ignore the trauma caused, we can’t it is a scar we both know is there. We just don’t live in the past.

We are kind to each other, we choose each other each day, we choose to be vulnerable and all in.

It’s the only way I would choose to stay.

If I am not building or rebuilding my relationship, I need to move on.

We had to move some mountains and with a lot of work and patience, but I would say we made it, knowing full well we have choose it all again tomorrow.

This ^^^

I think this is true even in marriages that do not experience infidelity. I've heard it said that if couples remain married for an extended period, typically, they actually live through several serial marriages as they drift apart, hurt one another, then recommit and re-build.

When I was counseled in advance of my current marriage, the preacher gave me an exercise to envision the day I was certain I did not want to spend another single day married to my wife, and then to plan for how to resolve that and remain married.

Infidelity can amplify that wavelength, but it's not the only reason marriages end, nor is it an automatic reason for marriages to end.