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So since deciding to reconcile in 2020 we have not spent a night alone. He is doing the work 100%. He is doing so well with his focus on us and other areas of his life that he was given a huge promotion. Increased business travel. 😫

So his last 2 trips I was with him. This trip is a fly out on the 5th leave early morning on the 7th. He sends me the schedule but lets me know he arranged to leave out on the 6th instead because he knows how I’d feel.

I want to attend even though we’ll be on another business trip in February. Really- it doesn’t make sense to do it but a part of me doesn’t want him to be able to talk on the phone with her or to fly her up. Even though I don’t believe there is any communication at all travel triggers fear.

I think in my heart if I allowed him to go without me it would make him feel better and honestly my brain thinks it would be better to not hover and police him. But I’m just so afraid.

How did resuming travel and a longer rope impact your recovery/reconciliation?

My FWH and I traveled separately early.....but his A didn't happen during travel.....I'm assuming you FWH's did. There was a time when I had tracking apps on all our phones. The constant access/policing was comforting at first, but eventually was more harmful than good for me. The recovery/reconciliation process was so hard, we needed some breaks from each other. Having those breaks and seeing how he handled them helped to build some trust. I had to tell him what I needed to feel safe, checking in, genuine connection when checking in, sometimes FaceTiming me with the people he was with, etc. We didn't do it perfectly. I could cross reference locations on other apps and it would freak me out even more. What I need/needed is for him to be the vigilance in our marriage......not me. When he shows me that he's doing what we planned, even if he runs into OW or OBS, that helps me. That and getting to the cold hard truth, that I have no control over what he chooses to do....and that it isn't impossible that it could happen again. Sucks to be here. I think you really have to do what makes you feel safe....without being his mom.

My husband had a six month affair with a colleague in early 2020. It started as an emotional affair on a work trip they went on together in January of 2020.

Covid prevented further trips until January of this year. By then I felt ok with it—he’ll never go on a trip with his affair partner again, and his January trips are truly work trips. I went on one a few years back, and they’re Exhausting slogs of 16-hour days where he’s responsible for a lot of people and work. As long as he’s not with her, it doesn’t really bother me. I did feel a little weird and insecure at times while he was gone, but he kept in close contact and it was ok. We probably needed the breather to some extent.

He has also gone to industry conferences in November of each year in the past. His AP also goes, so that hasn’t happened since DDay. This would’ve been the first year to go anyway, because it was canceled for two years due to Covid. We didn’t even talk about him going. It’s a wine and dine sort of thing, more rubbing shoulders than actual work. There is a professional expectation that he go, but he shrugged it off. That said, I feel like I might be ok with it next year. Something has shifted inside me recently, and I’m finally feeling mostly ok/healed.

If you’re still in a place where you feel better if you travel with him, that’s ok. If you want to push yourself a little and see how it feels for him to go alone, that’s also ok. I wouldn’t not go because it feels "silly" for external reasons; do what feels right for you and your healing.

Hugs. In my experience it’s hard to navigate this space where you’re a few years out, but still hurting and not always knowing what the best decision is for healing and moving forward.

[This message edited by Grieving at 11:31 AM, Wednesday, November 30th]

Thank you. I’m going to purchase the ticket and decide if I want to go.

My H traveled all over the globe the decades. However his affair was in our city with a co-worker.

The thing you start to realize is that they can always find a way to cheat if they want to.

My H would email snd text the OW while I was in the same room as him. He thought I would never find out. But I did. His affair wasn’t on any work trip. It was fine right in front of me so to speak.

My point is — the policing of my H had such a negative impact on me. I stopped after a year b/c I figured if I found anything suspicious I was just going to D him. He had no more chances. And he knew it.

You don't want it to be about a "rope" you want it to be about a changed man. You will never keep him from cheating if he wants to do it. Policing wears a body down, and it's useless.

You say he is doing the work, 100%. Letting go of the outcome is a hard thing, but after 3 years, maybe it's time to let that play out? It's a lot easier on your head. IC can help.

Best!

My husband and I are 3 months out from D-Day. He’s been on 2 trips thus far, one domestic & one int’l. Our therapist told us to have a plan BEFORE the travel occurs. So we made a plan.

My WH gave me his flight plan, his hotel info, room info and we checked in with each other frequently while he was away. He made videos for me when we could not talk or facetime. (All of these things never happened on his prior trips when he was cheating.). This time, he made efforts to call me or text me or facetime me frequently and if there were any gaps as there had been on his prior trips, then he’d need to prove there was a solid reason.

He voluntarily installed programs (Life360) on our phones so that we know where each one is at all times (for our whole family, actually) and everyone is notified if they turn OFF their location finder. Yes, he can leave his cell phone in his hotel room or elsewhere, but if he’s going to those lengths to cheat again, then nothing I can do will stop that and, at that point, our relationship is over.

I had to accept that he may cheat again and there is nothing I can do to stop that. Although he is working very hard on himself to learn why he cheated and how we can heal -- I did make it abundantly clear to him that if he may ever stray again, that I will walk away without a word and there will be no second chances for him to make amends again. I will quietly plan for my departure and it will be over. No talking. No apologies. No tears. No remorse. He will never see me again …ever.